Oh, Sehun!

 

This is a very sweet and simple fic. There's not a lot of fancy stuff going on and the plot is definitely cliche, so it's not really my type, but I still enjoyed reading it. All of the characters are cute (except Yixing. He's weird) and I like them all. I do hope that they develop more through the rest of the fic though, because right now they're very typical characters. Luhan is nice and clueless, Sehun is the jerk who becomes nicer, Baekhyun is the happy shipper, Minseok is a cute kid etc etc...

I also wish Sehun didn't fall for Luhan so quickly. Why was he nicer than usual to Luhan the first day? Was it because of high school? Maybe you can explain that and give him more time/opportunities to develop feelings for Luhan (unless he already had a crush on him.. idk)

 

 

Grammar: 

You switch between present and past tense a lot in the beginning.

 

There were some run-on ssentences and overly long sentences. For example, in chapter three, you had:

"The same cold expression was still plastered onto his face as if it had been permanently tattooed onto his otherwise flawless face but he spared Luhan a small smile when he waltzed up to him a few minutes after he'd sat down in his usual seat near the window."

First, there are too many "he"s. I suggest changing at least one of them to "Sehun." Also, you can probably start a new sentence somewhere in there, or at least put a comma to give the reader somewhere to pause.

 

There were some typos here and there, but I found a lot in chapter three, for some reason.

"extremely rare a charming smiles" --> "extremely rare charming smile"

"Minseok changed the topid" --> topic

 

 

 

Chapter 1

I understand what happened, but I think it's kind of weird how Luhan was talking about his "soulmate" had abandoned him, but she was still giving birth to his kid, naming him and giving the baby to him.. Maybe you could've had her leave after all that happened.

 

Chapter 4

OMG I had to stop and take a break because I couldn't handle the awkwardness between hunhan.

 

Chapter 5

"He raised both eyebrows and ended up looking like a retarded lemur"

That comparison is great.

 

 

Overall, it's a good lighthearted fic ^_^

 

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Hope this review helped!

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