Your POV:

Today is August 14th, 11:27 P.M and here I am typing this letter that you’ll probably never read.

Sigh.

I’m not entirely sure why I’m typing this at this time...I should be sleeping to be honest hahaha, but no. Here I am. Typing away...for no real reason. Well...I have a reason, but I don't know if it's a good one...It's been 4 months since we broke up. Time flies doesn't it? I'm here typing this useless letter and your probably over there with her curling her hair and laughing with her...4 months isn't enough time to say goodbye...but I need to do it you know?...Since you've moved on, I can move on with ease knowing you'll be in good hands...or at least i should be able to move on...

So....

I guess I should say...goodbye to you?...goodbye to us?...goodbye to our memories that bring me joy yet also bring me heart-throbbing sorrow...Although I say there’s no romantic feelings for you left, there’s a very...very small hope in me that’s waiting for you to come back to me. Secretly, I’m still hoping for you to have feelings for me so that I can tell you that i no longer view you that way and leave with my head high...but I know I could never do that to you.

You were so different from who i thought I would end up with and you were definitely a lot more different from Jaebum. So of course it’d be natural if i was in denial for awhile, but I’m glad we tried you know? I’m glad we did our best to keep things together...and if there’s a time or place where we can have a chance again, I would definitely CONSIDER it again because I loved how we were as a couple to be quite honest. The way you keep the conversation going to avoid any awkwardness and even if there was awkwardness you’d find something to keep it away. I accepted all of you and at the end of the day, I accepted the fact that i liked you because I wanted to heal you and protect you from whatever hurted you. I wanted you to open up to me and share your burdens instead of bundling it all inside and letting it eat you alive.

I’m sure you were thinking people would judge you because of your problems, but that’s not who I am. I was there to listen and to help relieve your stress. I was there waiting for you to open up to me...but you never did and that’s probably what hurt me the most post-break up. When I found out about what happened with your ex before we dated, that’s when i decided to stop being delusional about my feelings and strive to be with you….

Sigh…

You don’t know how much I struggled to accept the fact that I liked you. You’re not bad..it’s just that you were so different from my ideal type and I had no idea how to deal with you, but now, I’ve accepted that opposites do attract occasionally. It was a great experience for me. I got to know what it was really like having someone there by my side who would hold my hand and who would go out of their way for me. I got to experience the thing everyone says hurts the most. I got to expierence my first love with you even though I know I wasn't your first love.

I got to feel the butterflies in my stomach whenever you said something sweet or whenever you hugged me. Although I acted like I didn’t want you to do it, I kind of hoped you would just so i could feel your warmth. The comfort of you near by put me at ease and I felt like I could relax even though you drove me insane sometimes (or rather most of the time) haha. Polar opposites, but I enjoyed listening to your views on different subjects since they were so difference from my views so it opened my eyes to a more broader vision of the world.

I’m glad I got to experience the excitement and nervousness of someone driving me home late at night even when my parents weren’t home. You’ve done so much for me and were some of my first in a few things. You made me catch onto your old habits and now when we talk, I can’t seem to hold my composure. You’ve grown on me sadly if I must say so myself. Till this day I still latch onto our old habits...is that bad? Haha...

Still not sure why I’m typing this...it’s not like I’m ever going to show you.

In the end, I’ll most likely end up forgetting about it, then find it and read it again and then delete it. I don’t know if you’ll read it at all to be quite honest, but if you do, just know that everything I’m typing here is truly sincere and is coming from the fondness I still have for you at this moment in time. Even though I wish we could be together, I, myself, will not allow such a thing for both of our sake because I don’t want either of us to get even more hurt and end up hating each other like most couples do.

I really don’t want us to hate each other...

I don’t want us to stop being friends either, but we all know that if we have to move on, we’re eventually going to have to cut each other out of our lives and from then on, we shall be only memories. I don’t know when that time will be, but I don’t want it to be now. Maybe when we’re older and can be more mature about it, we can talk about this and talk about what to do since we’ll have money and we’ll both have an ideal view of how we want to live our lives.

I wonder if you’ll remember me by then...because I know for sure I’ll most likely remember you.

I mean who would forget a first love like you? Someone who sang beautifully and was kind enough to teach me how to play piano...someone like a prince.

I wasn’t sure if it was love, but I did like you a lot. I loved you whole. I loved you as a person both inside and out, flaws and all. I accepted who you were and accepted your past which you never really did elaborate on...but I think what drew me to you was your unexpected kindness and the way our lives seemed to be so different from each other. You interested me because you had a life I wish I had.

A life where no one bothered you. A life of quietness, but adventure. You had a picture of what you wanted to be and I supported you 100% to follow that dream... I wanted you to feel the warmth and happiness I received because you deserved to be just as happy as anyone else in this world. You’ve been through too much by yourself and I wanted you to feel the comfort of having to not worry by yourself all the time...I wanted you to lean on me...but I guess I couldn't provide that for you huh?...

I don’t like leaving things broken when it breaks. I like to fix things and try to strive for better so that we can both be happy yet still be friends at the same time. I’m still trying to get used to talking to you occasionally because I’ve been doing so good on my own lately that I forgot how to react to you. It’s a weird feeling to describe. It’s like...I should know you, but I forgot how important you were to me so I’m trying very hard to not say anything weird or unordinary.

I don’t know where I’m going with this….I guess...I just want us to both be happy. Whether it’s without you or with you, regardless of all of that, I wish for your happiness in every possible way. Even if it means forgetting about us and throwing away everything that reminds you of me (although I didn’t give you much). Even if it means i have to leave. I just want both of us to be happy.

I want that...

But when I see you with her...when I see pictures of you two together, I can't help but feel my heart break into pieces over and over again...I am constantly reminding myself that you are no longer mine and that I should no longer care, but I can't help it you know? I can't help but care for someone who meant so much to me...I can't help but feel attatched to someone who made me take risks and made me recklessly charge into something I knew was only going to hurt me...

I know you no longer have feelings for me...I know our "friendship" doesn't mean anything to you anymore...

And I know you won't be coming back to me.

Not now...not ever...but please don't forget what we had because I know I never will...no matter what I do, I will never forget us.

Live well Choi Young Jae :')

Remember I loved you and I will love you unconditionally...

This is the first and last time I'll be writing something like this to you...haha...something so bitter-sweet like this makes my heart ache...but what needs to be done, needs to be done now...So...

Goodbye My First Love...May your future be just right.

- Lee Seol Mi