Yoongi slowly buttoned up the last buttons on his black dress shirt and put on the matching colour blazer, letting the jacket stay open. The clothes felt stiff and rough against his skin. He wasn't used to this kind of formal outfit, but it was his mother who had laid it out and he had just dressed himself without making a fuss. He didn't have the energy for that.

"It's time," his father said as he pushed past him and walked out the door, heading for the car.

Mother stood before the full size mirror in the hallway, fumbling with an earring before she too walked out the front door. Yoongi stopped before the mirror as well, glancing at his reflection. Brown eyes stared back at him. They seemed to have changed since then. They'd become dull and darker, like a cloud had blocked the light in them. Not that they ever really had any glow, especially compared to Hoseok’s. They would reflect any kind of emotion so honestly and clearly, that he was the reason Yoongi believed in the saying; the eyes are the windows to the soul. Hoseok’s eyes would show you the world.

Even though he knew his eyes had never shone the way Hoseok’s had, he still frowned at his tedious reflection. His normally pale skin had taken on a greyish tint and the bags under his eyes darker from all those sleepless nights.

He had cried a lot this week, though only when no one else was looking.

He knew that if they saw, they would try to comfort him and all he wanted, was to be left alone. And really, most of the comfort would be fake anyway. He knew, what people whispered behind his back.  Tsk.

Those bastards, they weren't very discreet.

Some didn’t even realise, or cared for that matter, how Yoongi felt.  To most people he was just a friend to a dead boy. They didn’t know them. They only knew that his mourning couldn’t match the grief Hoseok’s parents and family must carry around, losing the sunray in their life.

But Hoseok hadn’t only been their light, their sun.

Those who were aware of Yoongi only pitied him; how terrible it must be to lose someone you were that close with. Now there was no one to outweigh the good-for-nothing young man with a foul mouth and a permanent scowl on his face.

Yoongi’s reflection frowned back at him and he felt like sneering at it, but the sound of the car horn indicated that his parents where growing impatient. One last look in the mirror, as he unsuccessfully tried to pat down his bleached ruined hair, before walking out the door.

He could feel his father's eyes on him in the rear-view mirror, soon followed by what had become the most used question this past week; how was Yoongi feeling?

"Fine"

He hardened the wall around his heart.

"I'm fine," he repeated, this time to himself, fixing his eyes out the window again.

A heavy silence stretched for a while, until,

"We are all sad, you know. And... " His father cleared his throat, hands tapping the steering wheel uncomfortably, his mother shifting slightly in her seat, wringing her hands. Yoongi was grateful that he hadn't tried to continue the conversation. They were not a family that talked about emotions, about feelings and once again Yoongi felt the pity being thrown at him.

There was only one person who had ever managed to make Yoongi talk about his feelings.

He couldn't stand being at home these days, his parent’s not sure how to act around him. College was no better, either people shied away from him like grief was something contagious or the hole in his group of friends became too big to handle. He constantly felt like fleeing. But it was hard to run, when so many things reminded him of happier days.

He knew he should have been there for his friends like they had tried to be there for him; talking to them and cried with them.  But... He just couldn't. Comforting and making people feel better had been Hoseok’s job.   

He leaned his head against the cold glass the window had to offer and stared blankly out of it as landscape flew by.

The sun was dazzling and felt warm against the skin.

"Come on Yoongi, you can do this! You just have to believe a bit more in yourself!" A high pitched voice reached his ears. "Go on. See? It's not so hard."

Carefully and very slowly Yoongi tried to move down the road. He did not trust his feet when on roller skates. He knew from experience (a few minutes ago) that pavement indeed was hard and it hurt like hell to face-plant it. A young boy flew gracefully - but way to close- past him.

"Whoa! Watch it! Not all of us are born to have wheels attached to our feet!" he shouted after the younger boy. Hoseok just laughed and made a pirouette. His laughter tickled Yoongi’s ears, easing his scowl and even tucked his lips upwards a bit. Damn that brat and his infectious happy spirit.

It had been such a long time ago, since he last had been on roller skates. Mostly because his left knee wouldn't let him, after he injured it badly during a basketball match last month. His mother would throw a fit if she knew what they were doing right now. She would probably find out anyway. Especially if the bump forming on his forehead was as big as it felt. It wasn't like Hoseok to be the one to break the rules, but he had found Yoongi a tad too gloomy when he came by to play that exact morning. And apparently this was the only thing Hoseok had been able to come up with.

 Idiot.

 How could dying on skates help him?! All he’d wanted was to go back to bed. Maybe watch his favourite cartoon.

But in the end Hoseok had been right. It was nice being out in the sun and as always, being with Hoseok lifted his spirit.

"You are slooow Yoongi~. We won't be home until midnight if we keep this pace. And I don't want to miss out on dinner," he whined circling the older boy, before skating backwards slowly, so he could still face Yoongi.

Scratch that. It was almost always nice being with Hoseok.

"Shut it! It's your fault for dragging me out on these," Yoongi grated out irritated and flipped him off angrily…Which was a mistake. The movement had been too rash and sent him off balance. His eyes widened as he fell backwards, but before his made contact with the ground Hoseok was there and pulled him back on his feet. Yoongi could feel how his heartbeat had quickened from the shock and clung onto Hoseok’s arm for a moment. God, that was close!

"Break time," he panted. Hoseok just nodded and smiled as he offered his hand, knowing Yoongi was still shaken. Silently he took the outstretched hand and Hoseok steered them towards a bench by a bus stop on the old and rarely used road. They sat there in silence for a bit, a warm breeze messing up their black hair. This part of town was so quiet, too quiet if it hadn’t been for Hoseok. Yoongi eyed the boy next to him from the corner of his eye. The other had his eyes closed and inhaled deeply the clean air. When he opened them again, he caught Yoongi looking at him. He scooted closer and smiled up at him. Yoongi secretly loved the few inches he was taller than Hoseok.

"Do you know what Yoongi?"

He shook his head.

"I like you!" Hoseok said and threw his arms around him in a crushing hug.

"Wh-what? Get off me! I can't...breath. Hoseok!"

"But don't you like me as well?" the other asked with a pout on his face and he pulled away slightly.

"Tsk, don't be silly," Yoongi answered, trying to get up from the bench, but failed with the skates still on his feet. Instead he crossed his arms with a huff.

"Don't you?" Hoseok kept pressing, his eyes looking up at him. They had a very pleading and cute look to them. Damn it. Yoongi tore his gaze away from his best friend and said something under his breath.

"Huh, what?"

"I said of course I like you! Stop making me say such stupid things and then having to repeat them!" Yoongi yelled at him, making the smaller male jump.

“Really?! I'm so glad!" Hoseok was about to glomp him again, but stopped mid-movement, probably remembering how he had almost choked Yoongi before.  Instead Hoseok leaned towards him and kissed him on the cheek. An innocent gesture that wasn’t uncommon for Hoseok to do.

"Thank you, hyung," he whispered.

"Yeah whatever," Yoongi just huffed. Hoseok rose from the bench and offered his hand to Yoongi again.

”Yeongwonhan chingu?”

Yoongi let a small smile form on his lips as he let Hoseok help him up.

"Yeah," he answered. "Friends forever."

"Yoongi, dear. Someone is talking to you. Please pay attention." His mother placed a hand on his shoulder, trying to bring him back to reality.

"Huh?" was the clever answer he gave her. A stranger was standing in front of him, clearly the one who had asked him about something, but he had been too far away in thoughts to realize what the man had said. He hadn't even realized they had arrived at the church and walked in. The place was crowded with people, all here to pay their respects. All in black.

Hoseok hadn't liked the colour black, "too depressing," he would've said. Green was more his colour, the shade of spring and summer.

"You were close, right?" the man standing with them repeated.

"Oh. Yeah," Yoongi answered dull. He was not even looking at the man.

"I'm sorry,sir," he heard his mother say. "He has been like this ever since... "

Yoongi tuned out the rest as his eyes found the brown casket.  It was raised a bit from the floor and drowned in flowers - Peace Lilies and Roses mostly.

The Peace Lily.

Hoseok’s favourite flower.

The casket lid was up. Yoongi couldn't see him from here. But he knew he was in there. Looking like he was sleeping, they said.  Slowly Yoongi made his way through the crowd.  No one was looking at him. He was always like a shadow compared to Hoseok, and people would only pay attention to him, if he shouted or cursed. But for the first time in his life, he was grateful for being the shadow. Like one, he silently crept closer to the coffin.

Hoseok lay with his hands folded on his chest - holding onto a single Lily. He looked nice and at peace.

They had lied.

It didn't look like he was a sleep.

Liars.

Had he only been asleep, his mouth would have been open and he would lie in some random position.

Yoongi smiled bitterly as his heart broke even more at the thought, his throat dry and hands clenching the polished wood.

 ing liars.

Had he only been asleep he wouldn't be in that fancy outfit or have a ing flower in his hands. Hoseok was clearly de...

Yoongi stopped himself before thinking the thought to an end. He simply couldn't say it yet, much less think it. His knees felt weak and his head spun, making him feel sick. He leaned against the casket a bit for support. Being this close to the other boy again made his head weird. Yoongi could hear him. That sweet voice echoing of the walls in his head. His laughter, his cries, his whispers and sighs.

"Yoongi, are you alright?" A deep voice asked behind him.

He didn't answer Namjoon, but tried to gain control over his thoughts.

"The priest is going speak now. Come and sit with us."

Yoongi let himself get pulled down to sit between Seokjin and Jimin and the priest began the sermon.

"As you all know, our dear Hoseok only reached twenty-one years before passing away... "

Throughout the ceremony Yoongi just stared blankly into nothing. He only half listened to what the priest was saying. His mind kept focusing on the sniffles and low whimpers around him. Hoseok was... Hoseok had truly been loved by everyone and it made Yoongi’s whole body ache. He was grateful when the choir started singing and drowned out the sobs. The notes where beautiful and melancholic, and the young man had to close his eyes when tears threatened to leave them. Not now. He'd promised not to. He tried to make the heavenly sounds wash his mind blank, but his thoughts would forever swirl around Hoseok. Opening his eyes again, Yoongi looked at the casket, wishing every moment that this was just a bad dream. That he would soon wake up to a softly snoring Hoseok, his legs and arms sprawled over him. Late night studying had kept them up so long that Hoseok just ended up crashing in Yoongi’s dorm, stealing the covers like he owned them.

How Yoongi wished he could wake up from this nightmare.

People around him began to stand up and he was guided towards the casket. When they closed the lid, he felt a slight panic spread through his body.  It was too soon.

They couldn't do that yet!

No..

NO!

Hoseok didn’t like the dark! It would make him scared! Don't scare him!

But no sound came from the casket, not even after it was closed. And now there was nothing Yoongi could do. He just stared at coffin until he was asked to get behind it, trailing with everyone out the church. Outside it had begun raining and Yoongi could feel the fat cold drops find their way inside his collar, as they walked towards the open grave.

Even the sky was crying.

The grave was deep and he watched as the opening swallowed the coffin. It was raining harder now and Yoongi quickly and surely got soaked to the bone. But his body had gone numb. Not from the cold weather, but from the cold that spread inside him, consuming his heart. Once again he drowned himself in memories.

Drops of water ran down the window.

"I hate the rain." He said and turned his gaze away from the gloomy weather to look around the  empty class room instead. God time went by slow in detention.

"Really? I think it is quite nice."

He looked at Hoseok, who sat by the desk next to his, doodling away weird stuff on his assignments. Hoseok hadn’t actually done anything to get detention but he always ended up joining Yoongi anyway, insisting on keeping him company. The teachers didn’t even question the inseparable boys anymore.

"How can you like something so wet and cold?" Yoongi asked him, shivering just by the thought of being outside in this weather. He sat up straighter in his chair, pushing pale red hair out of his eyes and grabbed the comic Taehyung had lend him from the table, flipping through it lazily. Hoseok hummed as he thought of an answer, pencil on his lower lip and legs swinging back and forth. As long as Hoseok was awake, his legs rarely stayed still.

"Well, I don't like the rain. It makes me think of cold and dead thing, like in those movies Jungkook lend us," Yoongi continued when he wasn’t answered right away. Hoseok grimaced at that, and a visible shiver ran through him.

"Ugh, don't say that Yoongi. That is not how I want to picture the rain," the other male whined. Yoongi just snickered.

"The rain isn't something bad," Hoseok insisted. "When you think about it, it's the rain that makes everything grow and stay fresh."

"Hmph, guess you could say that. But it is still ing cold."

They were quiet for a moment, the sound of Hoseok’s pencil scratching at his poor homework and the sound of Yoongi turning pages the only sounds to fill the room, accompanied rain against the window and the ticking of the clock on the wall.

The pencil suddenly stopped Yoongi could sense Hoseok turning in his chair, facing him.

 "What do you think happens, when you die?"

"Well, who is it now talking about dead cold things?"

"No, seriously Yoongi. What do you think happens?"

Yoongi looked up and closed his comic.

"You are serious? Ehm, I don’t know? I guess it's nice to think that you go to another world or something. But that's not really going to happen. I think you just rot in your coffin."

Hoseok pulled a disgusted face.

"Ugh, that's not a very peaceful view of death."

Yoongi just shrugged. What was with the deep questions today? All Hoseok normally cared for was dancing, video games and more dancing.

"Well, what do you think?"

"I hope to get reborn. I want to be reborn as a cat."

"Where the hell did that come from?"

"Then I could go on all kind of adventures."

"Yeah, not gonna happen," Yoongi threw him a weirded out look that had Hoseok look mock offended.

Suddenly the raven haired boy gasped and wrapped his arms around his stomach.

"Cut out the fake crying, Hoseok, it wasn’t even a real insult." But Hoseok kept clenching his stomach, his eyes shut tightly and real tears forming in the corners of them. Something wasn't right. Yoongi stood from his chair so it scrambled behind him, kneeling in front of Hoseok instead. He took his face in his hands.

"Hey Hoseok, Hobi. What is wrong? Are you alright? Hoseok?"

Hoseok opened his eyes and wiped the tears away.

"Don't worry. I'm alright. I've just had some weird stomach aches lately. It might be something I ate," he said with a weak laugh. That was definitely possible, but Yoongi was still worried.

Later, when detention had ended Yoongi had followed Hoseok to his dorm room, not wanting to leave him alone, and insisting on staying with him until he felt better. In Hoseok’s room he had another series of stomach cramps, making him double over. Not knowing what else to do, Yoongi had pushed Hoseok onto his bed.

"Lay down. I'll go and call your mother."

Hoseok did lie down, but he grabbed a hold of Yoongi’s shirt to stop him.

"No, no need to worry her. I'll be fine soon, if you're here."

Yoongi was about to protest but the look Hoseok gave him, made him give in.

"Stupid, don't just eat recklessly. I don't have time to take care of you." Nevertheless he lay down besides Hoseok, who scooted even closer - clinging to his shirt. Yoongi rubbed circles on his back, knowing it would calm him. He probably shouldn't be worried.

He wished he hadn't concluded that at the time. He wished he had told Hoseok’s parents. He wished he had made Hoseok go and see a doctor. There were so many things Yoongi wished he had done differently.

"H-Hoseok had many big dreams. He truly knew how to dream about the future. H-he was a good boy a-and he made so many people smile every day." Yoongi looked at Hoseok’s dad, as the man struggled to keep his voice steady and the tears under control; a failed mission for most of the gathering. It was really pouring down now, hammering against the many umbrellas. Soaking wet and with his bangs sticking to his forehead, Yoongi closed his eyes. He imagined how the gathering would look from above and he found his own face in the crowd. A stone face with empty eyes. 

'This is how it's gotta feel like, having one of those 'out of body'-experiences. I have to tell Hoseok about it, he would find it fascinating.' 

Yoongi snapped his eyes back open and lowered his gaze to the ground, his fists clenched. He tried not to cry. He had sworn he was done crying! He had made a promise to Hoseok not to cry!

Damn it!
Damn it all!

He tried to fight both the tears and his mind spinned out of control as it brought back painful memories. 

Beep.. beep.. beep...beep..

The sound was annoying yet necessary.
Everything in this place was annoying but necessary.
 

The room was white and sterile clean and it smelled like medicine and rubber.  The respirator by the bed hummed and a weak wheeze told him that Hoseok was still alive, but asleep. Yoongi looked at his boyfriend’s face from the chair by the hospital bed. It had changed so much in such a short time. He was so pale that his skin was almost transparent and his lips where chapped. He had become hollow-eyed and cold-sweat made his bangs stick to his forehead. This was so far from the lively and bubbly man Yoongi had fallen in love with.

Every day he came to visit Hoseok, but most of the time he would be asleep. Yoongi should sleep too, but he didn't want to miss out on any opportunity he could be with the other. He leaned back in the chair and rubbed his eyes. It had been less than half a year since they had found out that Hoseok had kidney cancer and by that time, it was already too late. The cancer had already spread to other organs. All the doctors could do was to keep him alive for as long as possible. Everyone was in shock. How could something this evil happen to someone this good?

"Yoongi. You are here."

Yoongi jumped and removed his hands from his face.

"Idiot, what is that supposed to mean? I come here every day," Yoongi said back, but there was no bite to his voice and he took Hoseok’s cold hand in his. Hoseok smiled weakly before saying:

"What were you thinking about? You looked worried."

Yoongi felt like yelling, 'of course I am worried! Do you have any idea of what this is doing to me?!', but instead he lied.

"Nah I'm fine. I know you are going to make it." Everybody knew that Hoseok’s survival was close to one in a million. A weird giggle went through Hoseok before he said;

"I'm not stupid. I know I'm going to die."

Yoongi’s whole body jerked at the sound of the bold statement.

"Do you know how I know?" He made a sign for Yoongi to come closer, before he whispered in his ear;

"When it isn't that pretty nurse taking care of me, I pretend to be asleep and I overheard them speak about it." He grinned proudly at himself and Yoongi smiled weakly, tears forming in his eyes. For a moment Yoongi saw the old Hoseok. But only for a moment. The giggle turned into a cough and Yoongi rushed to help Hoseok sit up a bit. When the coughing settled again, Hoseok’s reached towards his face.

"Don't be sad, babe. Don't cry. Please. Promise me."

Yoongi knew he couldn't keep the promise. He knew he would bawl his eyes out when the time came. Still, he nodded weakly and tried to blink the tears away. One betrayed him and rolled down his cheek. Hoseok wiped it away with his thumb.

“I love you,” Hoseok whispered and Yoongi squeezed his eyes shut and leaned into the touch.

Suddenly Hoseok’s breathing became weird, as if he struggled to breath even with the respirator, and the beeping sound ran amok.

"Hobi..Hoseok! My God, no-no-NO! Not yet! S-someone help!" Yoongi’s voice broke.

He was pulled away and doctors and nurses surrounded the bed. He was pressed against the wall as orders were been shouted. Slowly he slid to the floor, his trembling hands coming up to run through his hair as a scream broke from his lips. Then everything turned dark.

Everything was dark. The sky, the people, the grave, his heart. The scream could still be heard throughout the churchyard. Reviewing the past so damn clearly, without his body reacting had been impossible. The soil on the ground was wet and muddy under his hands. He’d fallen in his attempt to scramble for the coffin.  Digging his fingers into the soil when someone pulled him up he screamed, tears streaming down his face.

"HE IS NOT DEAD! LET HIM OUT! HE IS NOT DEAD! HOSEOK! SHOW THEM YOU ARE STILL HERE. NOO!! LET ME GO!"

Hands tried to pull him up from the ground and away from Hoseok. No! They were not allowed to do that. They couldn't remove him from the love of his life! Yoongi kept screaming out for Hoseok, while trying to fight of the arms around him. He failed to keep them away and he felt himself being pulled up. Someone hugged him and tried to calm him down, but he pushed them away. How dared they to shush on him! How dared they keeping him from the only person he truly loved?

Yoongi threw himself towards the grave again, but they were prepared now and caught him. Someone started dragging him off towards the car park. Tears messed with his vision and he could no longer see the grave. Right before all anger and strength left him, he cried out Hoseok’s name one last time.

A/N:

I may or may not just have broken my own heart writing this...