"Let's eat, Grandma!"
"Let's eat Grandma!"
Commas save lives.

 

 

A GOOD WAY TO TELL A FRIEND FROM A BEST FRIEND

FRIENDS: Lend you their umbrella
BEST FRIENDS: Take yours and say 'RUN RUN!'

FRIENDS:Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS:Would bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS:Would be sitting next to you sayin "THAT WAS FRICKIN' AWSOME"

FRIENDS:Have never seen you cry.
BEST FRIENDS: Cry with you.

FRIENDS:Asks you to write down your number.
BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.

FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
BEST FRIENDS: Loses your crap and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

FRIENDS:Only know a few things about you.
BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...

FRIENDS:Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
BEST FRIENDS:Will kick the whole crowds that left you

FRIENDS:You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FRIENDS:Are only for a short while.
BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS:Will always be like "well you deserve better".
BEST FRIENDS: Will prank call him and say " you'll die in 7 days"

FRIENDS:Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.
BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say ", drink the rest of that! You know we don't waste!

FRIENDS:Would think this is crap.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be really proud of themself after reading this!

　

　

THINGS TO DO WHEN IN WAL-MART

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.

2 . Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the toilet.

3. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on hold.

4. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

5. When an assistant asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

6. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

7. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through shout, "PICK ME! PICK ME!!"

8. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

9. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly..."Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!"

10. Bring your own DVD, popcorn, sweets, drinks and nibbles and pick a nice spot on the floor in the electrical section. Sit cross legged and enjoy the film. (soap operas and kleenex are optional)

11. Take boneless chicken s out of the packet and throw them skyward whilst screaming "Fly my little ones, fly and be free!"

12. Randomly jump into people's shopping carts asking "Will you be my mommy?"

　

　

Things To Do On An Elevator:

1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"

2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.

4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5. Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM!" - and back away slowly.

6. Say "DING!" at each floor.

7. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.

8. Stare grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."

9. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."

11. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

12. As you are coming to the end of the journey, get emotional and have a group hug. Tell them that you will never forget them.

13. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

14. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

15. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

16. Call out "Group hug!" then enforce it.

17. Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.

18. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

19. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it... quick!" then whistle innocently.

20. Walk into the lift and say "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..."

21. Take shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when the others don't.

22. Also in your bellboy act, ask what floor they want. Whatever they say, give them a glare and say "You should be ashamed of yourself!" and leave the lift tutting.

23. Ask, "Did you feel that?"

24. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

25. Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "It is time..."

　

　

Some rather...interesting labels.

On a Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping. (But that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos!
..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down." (well...damn, that warning came a bit late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because?...)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what? Outer space?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts." (Dude, really? Talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (Oh sure, kill the dream of every child.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or s." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

On T-Rat (Military food):
Its not for Human Consumption, Animals and Military Use only... (Umnn yeah... isn't military also human?)

On a set of Indian Kitchen Knives:
"Warning: Keep out of children" (Umm...I think something got lost in translation there...)

　

　

When You Dial A Mental Hospital

Ring...Ring...

Welcome to Psychiatric World. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the phone so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are delusional and hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

　

　

My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

2. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

3. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

4. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

5. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

6. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

7. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

8. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

9. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

10. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

11. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

12. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

13. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

14. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

15. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

16. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

17. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

18. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

19. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

20. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

21. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

22. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

23. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

24. My mother taught me SHAPE-SHIFTING.
"You'll turn into a sausage if you eat any more."

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

　
 

　

The following are completely random quotes that I thought were incredibly funny and incredibly true!!

The shinbone: A device used for finding furniture in a dark room.

People who say anything is possible, haven't tried to slam a revolving door

Telling people what they want to hear is often very boring

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you

When life gives you lemons, throw them back at life and demand BIGGER lemons

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

STRESS: A condition brought on by over-riding the bodies desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it.

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel... of course, it's usually the oncoming train

Some people are like slinkies, they're good for nothing, but they sure make you laugh when you push 'em down a flight of stairs

That which does not kill me had better run pretty damn fast.

A true friend is someone who's been with you long enough to know almost eveything about you...and still hasn't killed you yet.

Don't follow in my footsteps, I walk into walls...and off the occasional cliff (Damn gravity...TT_TT)

"I'm bringing y back..." Personally, I never knew y was gone... (It left when they cast Robert Pattinson as Edward in "Twilight")

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing!

There is nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you lose the argument that it becomes weird.

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and your friends and enemies as far the hell away from each other as possible or they'll team up to kill you!

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

"Guns don't kill people, people kill people." ...Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG alot, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

Everyone has a wild side, I just prefer to make mine public.

The cops never find it as funny as you do... (Story of my life...)

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone. (Why give your muscles any more work than necessary?)

I'm not late, I'm just not as obsessively punctual as most people

It's not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.

A clear conscience is usually a sign of memory loss.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Normal people scare me...but not as much as I scare them.

Never go to bed mad, stay awake and plot horrible REVENGE!

Only two things are infinite; the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former

When all else fails, use duct tape.

1 out of every 4 people are insane. Look at your three best friends, if it's not them, it's you. (Oh, it's definitely me. 0_o)

Therapy is expensive, but bubble wrap is free.

There's nothing that can't be fixed with: duct tape, chocolate, or by running it over. (Surprisingly, this is actually very true...)

Don't upset me, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood parasites.'

I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. (Why does nobody believe me?)

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs built the ark, Professionals built the Titanic.

"Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss."

Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Clothes make the man. people have little or no influence on society. (0.o Umm...I can honestly say I never thought of it that way before...)

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, the rest of our lives they tell us to just sit down and shut up.

Who ever said that words never hurt obviously has never got hit by a dictionary. (That hurts. Trust me.)

I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight.

Good morning is an oxymoron.

I am worse than evil... I am the author!!

Sometimes it's best not to question your friend. Just help them dump the bodybag into the river.

All the good guys are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books. (Let's face it, ladies, we all know this is true...)

Of course I'm talking to myself, who else can I trust?

Some people are alive today, simply because it is illegal to kill them.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

a , respect a WOMAN and love a LADY

 

　

　

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love everyone,

trust few one,

hurt no one.

 

- William Shakespeare