Yesterday night was surreal.

I couldn't sleep that night. No matter how I rearrange my pillows I'm still not comfortable enough. 

Honestly speaking I was feeling suicidal and of course I couldn't shake it off unlike before. 

I was alone in bed and weird thoughts started to spring up in my head. The thing about solitude is that it makes you do ed up things. And God I did so much of that.

I started writing suicide letters to everyone I could remember at that moment. 

I remember one I wrote that said:
"I want to get burried under a mango tree with some tulips or sunflowers maybe. And I don't want anyone to cry because I don't want them to waste tears on me." 

I even went online and searched for tombstones to put up. And I'm actually torn between the one that says "She loved bacon" and "Died because of not forwarding 10 text messages" 

You may ask why I would do such a thing. Well i'll tell you.

Its just that when you lose everything, there's just nothing to live for anymore. 

I don't have friends anymore. We all had a fight and since its like 9 against one (me) its not faring so well. 

My grades are garbage. 55 is like the failing mark already and my grade isn't even near there. Its 8. 

My family hates me because I'm different from them. They sometimes say I'm loopy in the head. Then they blame my mother for it. My mother who'd later on scold me later on for being different. 

And of course there are also other things that I'm not gonna mention anymore otherwise this will be too long. But those too are pretty bad.

The thing about suicide is that sometimes its the only choice you have left because the pain is just too much. There are some people who'd say "its not the answer. Its gonna get better" and other stuff but they don't really know what its like. Even if they say they experience it too its just not the same.