Actually, I'm hurting. This week hasn't been a good one even if it's supposedly the start of the new year. I thought I was able to end the year good and start it well, but things flipped at the end of the year. I should have cried, but I haven't allowed myself to do so. It's unhealthy, but I bottle it up and keep it within. 

I was working hard, I did everything - got all the forms in in a rush and had everything signed and paid for the application. But in the end only I end up feeling like sh*t. Because no one understood how hard I worked for this application, for this program just so I can go abroad and experience the outside world. I wanted to go out on my own, I really did. The whole world fell down when I was blocked from it. 

So, I made that decision that night to go out. I just wanted to get away, lose it, set aside my problems, and go crazy that night. So I went with my friends to hang out at a bar in a neighboring city. I had more to drink than I thought I would, or it was probably that shot my friend bought for us that totally screwed me up that night. All I remember is stepping onto the dance floor and fooling a bit then I blanked out. My mind woke up later when I was bawling my eyes out and my friends urging me to get a hold of myself before we'd get kicked out. 

We got kicked out. 

I don't recall the ride home, but I ended up in my room with a blanket wrapped around me. My siblings surrounding me, watching on as I continued crying, and bantering whatever it was that was coming out of my damn mouth. I found out the next day, I told my brother I'm so ashamed of myself and that I wanted to kill myself. I don't know why I said those, but I partially lied when he confronted me a few days later. Actually, I did think of killing myself when I went to sleep the night before. How would it be? Successful or not? Just how many people would come crying to my funeral? The thought was kind of funny but I brushed it off a second later. My sister attempted suicide before by overdosing, so it was just a thought about how it'd actually be for me. 

Still angry that my parents wouldn't let me go to Japan I just wanted to lock myself up and avoid the world. And so as I've been forced to move my laptop up to my room that's where I stay majority of the time now. I barely go downstairs, except for to eat etc. I've probably become less sociable when depression hit me real bad a few years ago. But anyway, my dad called me down and asked me if I was drunk the other night. He knew the answer anyway. 

After a long time of forcing myself to listen to him talk I left for my room only to be called down again. This time I got the news that I could go, but honestly I didn't feel the least bit excited when I finally got the permission I've been waiting for. They talked nice, but it was in the tone of voice where they were forcing themselves. I felt like sh*t, guilty. My brother confronted me and told me he had my chance to go to Japan in his hands and could tarnish it at any moment. Honestly, I didn't care. I lied to him, didn't give him the answers he wanted. Not like I knew any of the answers anyway. I was just seriously crushed and hurt. 

So, I gave up my chance to go to Japan to study and help teach kids english, and no one knows the remorse and pain I feel for it. I need to let this out, just talk to someone who isn't close to me. I want someone to understand my heart without me having to bawl my eyes out all over again. And so, whilst everyone else has those dozen new year resolutions, I have none because I have no hope and have no strength to carry that hope. I just want to be left alone and not be bothered by my family members.

I really wanted to get out there and be on my own. I really did.

Everyone has their own thing to do. Most of my siblings have their gf/bf and are too busy as well, so I'm quite neglected in the first place. I don't mind if they don't bother me. So, I like to concentrate on my stories instead. Stuffing my hurt into my characters makes me feel somewhat better. It's silly, but writing is my only source of pain relief right now and no one in my family will understand this.