Story Title: 4/5

First and foremost, you should correct the capitalization of your title. It should be “Secrets under the Autumn Rain” instead. There are underlying rules for the proper capitalization of titles. The first and last word of the title should always be capitalized, as well as nouns – both common and proper nouns – pronouns, adjectives, verbs, adverbs, and subordinating conjunctions. On the other hand, remember that articles – a, an, and the – should be lowercased, as well as coordinating conjunctions – FANBOYS – and prepositions. The infinitive “to” should be lowercased as well. For good practice, you should use title capitalization generators to be sure. There are a lot of websites that offer that service, too, so they shouldn’t be hard to find.

As for your title in general, it was actually my cup of tea. I mean, it really sound astounding, especially with the autumn rain on tow. It gave me an angst vibe, which was definitely a good thing since your story was of angst, right? It made me curious as to what those secrets under the autumn rain were, and it gave me a few imaginative scenes in my head that produced anticipation, which is what most titles should have. You did a nice job at choosing your title. Good job!

Appearance: 7/10

a. Poster and Background. 3.5/5

To be honest, I was overwhelmed by your poster. It was really good! The way Suzy’s head was leaning on Sehun’s shoulder looked really natural, too, and the two of them were even looking at the same direction, as it they really were under the “autumn rain” or something. The only thing that bothered me was that it didn’t really say anything about the autumn rain. To be quite honest, the way Sehun and Suzy had sat there looked more like they were leaning on a tree or something, and that they were watching the autumn, maybe? That would’ve made more sense, to be honest, and the title would’ve been emphasized at that. I just didn’t understand why a crumpled paper was used as the background. I’m not sure if it had something to do with the future scenes or something, but yeah. It was confusing, and I would’ve liked it more if the poster looked nature-y, as you did emphasize the “autumn” and the “rain” a lot of times before.

Also, their clothes didn’t match the autumn season – at least Sehun’s didn’t. I was expecting thicker clothes, to be honest, since most people do wear thicker clothes during autumn as winter would soon be approaching them. Aside from that, I also think that the background would’ve looked better if it didn’t look too much tiled. It had something to do with the color scheme used, and the tint effect it had – I don’t know how it’s called. Nonetheless, it would’ve looked better if there were no outlines and whatnot, and if the background flowed flawlessly. Anyway, I do understand that pictures are limited, and that you didn’t make the poster yourself, but overall though, the poster was lovely. A few things were just contradicting for my liking.

b. Lay-out and Formatting. 3.5/5

To be quite honest, I was surprised that you were able to use a font that Asianfanfics cannot provide. I mean, it’s not every day that I see someone using another font. I think you’re the second person to use that font style – that I’ve seen – here on Asianfanfics. Anyway, the font styles used had matched the “feel of the story.” I just felt like the font sizes used in the description and foreword section were too big, and that font, which I think was “MV Boli,” had looked too fluffy for my liking, that didn’t match the angst vibe that the text was supposed to emit. Apart from that, I also think that you should justify your paragraphs in your chapters, since the alignment did look a bit messy on the right side of the page. I think it would look more presentable, too, if you justify them. 

By the way, that divider or something that you placed at the very first part of each chapter – the one that was placed below the chapter title (ex: …The Start), I think the chapter title would look better if you align it at the center, since that divider kind of gave off that effect, based from the shadowing and whatnot it gave off. Try to align the text in the middle and see how it looks – maybe increase the font size for a bit, too? Anyway, do try it. I deem the picture a bit mismatching with the alignment of that chapter title.

Description and Foreword: 5/10

I actually can’t find your description. Was it the quote about love that was placed first in the description part? If so, then I think you should change it, since it didn’t really say anything about the actual story. In fact, I don’t think it focused on the theme of the story. It sounded much of a romance than of angst, and I do believe that it should talk about giving up or something, so as to support Sehun’s case on the first two chapters. Moreover, that quote talked about moving on, too, which I don’t think suits the events. Even so, you can still keep it, but do provide an actual description for the story, saying something about what the story was all about. (I’m sorry if I’m a bit confusing here. I can’t really say much either since the story hasn’t progressed yet, but yeah. I don’t think the current chapters – or the future chapters -- would focus on “first loves” or something.)

On another note, I’m not a big fan of character charts. Most people don’t, to be fair. Why? It’s because they give too much information to the readers, that most of the time, they act as spoilers, which most readers don’t like, because they’d be too familiar with the plotline – or at least the characters – as they gradually read through the chapters. For example, in Suzy’s profile, you stated that she was a type of person who finds joy and a peace of mind during rainy days. Wouldn’t it be better to narrate and show us that trait of hers in the actual story rather than telling us beforehand? You also said that she was a lonely outcast. I actually detest that part since some people might assume that your story’s cliché, since truth to be told, there are a lot of stories with outcasts and whatnot for their main characters. Don’t forget the “path of death” part – which I believe was pertaining to suicide. Don’t you think you were being too informative?

Anyway, here’s my revision of that quote I was talking about a while ago.

(Original Version) "Your first love isn't always the first person you kiss, or the first person you date. Your first love is the person you will always compare everyone else to. The person you will never get over, even when you've convinced yourself you've moved on."

(Revised Version) "Your first love isn't always the first person you kiss, or the first person you date. Your first love is the person you will always compare everyone else to – the person you will never get over, even when you've convinced yourself you've moved on."

This had only sported a very minor grammatical error, whereas the last part wasn’t a sentence, but a mere phrase. Since it was utterly related to the object on the previous sentence, I connected them with an en-dash, as seen above. Dashes, like commas, semicolons, colons, ellipses, and parentheses, indicate added emphasis, an interruption, or an abrupt change of thought. In the case above, it indicated an emphasis, and a bit of an elaboration to that person that was talked about in the previous sentence. Did that make sense?

There are a few grammatical errors in the foreword, too.

(Original Version) “Thousands- no, millions of people in the world are currently suffering many kinds of diseases and death will approach them without notice.”

(Revised Version) “Thousands – no. Millions of people in the world are currently suffering from many kinds of diseases, and death will approach them without notice.”

It had a problem with the absence of a comma before the coordinating conjunction “and.” Diseases and death didn’t sport a series effect or something. In fact, the coordinating conjunction had acted to combine the two independent clauses together, but with the lengthy sentences and the absence of that comma, it seemed as if they were a series of words instead, which might have confused some of your readers as they read. Heck, it got me confused, to be honest. On another note, if you do not have two subjects and two verbs separated by the FANBOYS, then you don’t need to insert the comma before the FANBOYS. In other words, if the second grouping of words isn’t a complete thought, don’t use a comma – as simple as that.

(Original Version) “But you, a young healthy teenage boy is planning to end his life without any struggles? You will regret it later if that happens.”

(Revised Version) “But you, a young, healthy teenage boy, is planning to end his life without any struggles? You will regret it later if that happens.”

Again, we have yet another issue with the absence of commas. What went wrong here? Well, phrases/words that are enclosed with commas are called interrupters, sometimes. Two commas can be used to set off additional information that appears within the sentence but is separate from the primary subject and verb of the sentence. These commas help your reader figure out your main point by telling him or her that the words within the commas are not necessary to understand the rest of the sentence. In other words, you should be able to take out the section framed by commas and still have a complete and clear sentence. To see if you need commas around an interrupter, try taking the interrupter out of the sentence completely. If the sentence is still clear without the interrupter, then you probably need the commas.

In your case, you forgot to close the phrase with another comma, to there was no pause emitted. That resulted with a wrong flow, as it sounded as if you wasn’t the subject, but a young, healthy teenage boy. By the way, you should put commas between items in a list, and for adjective phrases, too.

Character Development: 11.5/15

a. Unity of the Characters and Their Actions. 4.5/5

I think you did well in this section, though it’s more of like you focused on their emotions and thoughts instead rather than their actions. I can’t really say much about their actions, but yeah. Based from what I’ve read, Sehun did look like he was sincere with his feelings towards Suzy, whilst Suzy, on the other hand… Well, I can’t really say much about her. It seemed as if something was holding her back, and she didn’t really confirm whether she loved Sehun back or not when he confessed his feelings. Rather, she just pecked his lips, and she didn’t say anything further after that. Those actions had somehow gave me a feeling that there was so much more to her side of the story that we – the readers – do not know, and I’m really curious as to what they are. Other than that, the hints that you gave off, which I presume was about Suzy having a sickness, had been evident, though I would be more curious as to what types of side effects would she be showing off in the next few chapters. From your present chapters, I’d say that she’s still healthy. Sehun would’ve noticed her if she was growing sick, too, but yeah. I do hope that you show a few side effects next time, so as to justify if she really had a sickness or not. Don’t give it to us that soon though, as that would make the pace or flow of the story faster than necessary.

b. Evolution of Characters. 3.5/5

I don’t really have much to say in this section, either, as you only had two chapters poster at the moment. It’s not safe to judge how your characters had developed yet when you did mention that there will be more than eight chapters left to be posted. In the meantime, I do think that Sehun had improved gradually from his depression in the first chapters, particularly because of Suzy. Like what I’m going to discuss later, it would’ve been better if you showed us a few scenes pertaining to how he got better as days passed by. For instance, how exactly was Suzy able to help him move on from his problems? Oh, and I think it would’ve been better if you told us what particular problem made him more depressed than the other ones, and why? In my opinion, it was because of his friend’s sudden death/suicide, but then again, why?

In addition to that statement, I guess it would’ve been better as well if you gave a few scenes pertaining to his condition after Suzy came to his life. I mean, even though Suzy was there, did those problems still haunt him? More so, if Suzy wasn’t there, like when she went to the hospital for her appointment, did something haunt him or something, or did he really just worry about her and only her? Realistically, there should’ve been a part of him that sort of reminiscence the past. I do that most of the time, especially when I’m lonely here in our house. I get to think a lot, and get scared, of course. Needless to say, a lot of things pass through a person’s mind when he’s alone, especially when the atmosphere feels eerie and too quiet for their liking, as if they’re lost in their own worlds.

Suzy, on the other hand, is still a mysterious character for me. She has yet to reveal her true character, and for all we know, she might be some character that we all didn’t expect, though I highly doubt that as she did somehow come out as a truly cheerful girl, though you might surprise us, now wouldn’t you? I do hope that her character blooms more in the next chapters, because we really don’t know much about her.

c. Point of View Used. 3.5/5

I think the point of view used suited the story. I think most angst stories do match a third person’s point of view the most since an angst story that focuses on one particular character would be too risky. Moreover, using a third person’s POV, it would be easier to know multiple characters, and not just one, and to be able to delve deeper into the characters’ emotions and relationships, it’s deemed better than the latter. It also helps you to create more distance from the character and his/her thoughts. Therefore, you were able to focus on their actions.

On the downside, there were times when I felt like a first person’s point of view would’ve been better if used, mainly because you focused on one character through the entire story, which was Sehun. I do believe that not only would it be easier for you to handle his personality, but the story would somehow be more intimate as well, seeing as the readers would get close and personal as it could possibly get. A first person’s point of view would certainly be the most natural voice to use in writing, primarily because you can relate the scenes to your readers, as they can imagine themselves in the character’s situation. Moreover, telling somebody about something that happened to somebody else in the third person isn't so natural, particularly when it comes to communicating that third person's thoughts and feelings. More so, in a first person’s point of view, the narrator and the viewpoint character are both the same person, meaning that you don't have to make any tricky shifts from one voice to another. That is why first person point of view is often referred to as being the easier viewpoint to handle.

Anyway, the story has already started, and it’d be too much of a waste to change it now, but it was true when I said that a third person’s POV was fine. It just so happened that you were too much into Sehun’s character that I deem it better to be narrated in his point of view instead.

Plot: 23.5/35

a. Originality. 3.5/5

To be honest, I don’t think your story was that original. Although you used terms that the others didn’t use – like Suzy being an Pluviophile and Sehun having Astraphobia – the idea was still a bit cliché for me. I’ve read stories before with the girl shoving realization to the boy, then the boy becomes attached and whatnot with the girl, and so on. That being said, the originality didn’t matter, as a matter of fact, since the way you wrote your story was original and enticing enough to keep your readers going. Originality, after all, is not the be-all and end-all of literary quality; it is simply one of the many and several ingredients that writers use to create stories. Some stories need more of it than others; some need it in particular places but not in others. Likewise, I can’t really say so myself, as the story has yet to progress. The conflict hasn’t even been introduced yet, though you did provide a few hints and there, particularly with Suzy visiting the hospital for who-knows-what, which I assume that she had some sort of disease or sickness.

To be quite honest, I was disappointed with Suzy having a disease or something, since most of the stories that I have read had that same idea, where the girl has a disease or something and she soon dies in the story. I do believe that she’s sick in your story, since the very first chapter had hinted that. Most sick people are sickly happy, too, as if they had already accepted their fate, and the fact that she had an appointment at the hospital on the second chapter didn’t help my suspicions either. I just hope that you give us a “Boom!” effect in the end. Anyway, in the end, I guess I’d look forward to what you’ll be offering in the next chapters. I just hope that you do revise the plotline a lot, so as to remove that cliché-like feeling in the air.

b. Setting of the Story. 4.5/5

The time was clearly indicated in the story. It happened during the autumn season. To be honest, the setting of your story is very critical, especially since the story wouldn’t really make sense when it flies to another season all of a sudden. That would disrupt the relevance of autumn in your story. Imagine how different your story could be when one of these elements changes. More so, you can’t really rush the story within that period of time, because honestly, that would be absurd. Needless to say, the time used in the story was well-thought of, that it matched the underlying genres along the story. The time had a tremendous effect on what happens in the story. It is a mistake to ignore such a powerful tool. Anyway, I guess you did a good job at making sure that the setting in a particular scene was evident, especially when Suzy had gone off to the hospital and whatnot. You specified at first, though I wish that the time when she did come back at their apartment was indicated as well, so that your readers could somehow compute how long her appointment took.

Oh, and by the way, I just have to deduct a point in this section since I was confused with Sehun’s apartment. You did say that he had an ordinary, cheap apartment of his own, but then again, this was what you said in the middle part of the first chapter: “…since he lived in a large flat on the 12nd floor and he was leaving in the awfully early morning.” How exactly was his apartment large when you said that it was “ordinary” and “cheap?” It’s a bit contradicting, don’t you think?

c. Theme of the Story. 3/5

The theme of the story was pretty evident, though a bit confusing since there was a lot to take in. How so? For instance, you talked about first loves in your description, so a reader might readily assume that the story would be full of romance and whatnot. However, in the actual story – or at least at the present chapters – you talked more of suicide and loneliness, and how Sehun had depended on Suzy. The confusing relationship of the two had risen up as well. I did like the idea of Suzy saving Sehun though through her words, telling him how people millions of people in the world were suffering many kinds of diseases that death would soon approach them without notice.

d. Flow and Pattern of Events. 5/10

To be honest, the pace was too fast for me. There weren’t scenes that portrayed how they got closer at time passed by. You simple stated that they did, and you only described how their relationship improved into a weird and confusing one. After meeting Suzy, didn’t Sehun even doubt how she would help him? Didn’t he even think that there’s a possibility of Suzy playing with him or something? I mean, there’s always a possibility, for that, right? Even with a mere 0.1 percent, it’s possible. As such, I found it a bit too fast that their relationship had improved to the extent of Suzy living in his apartment. Heck, I found the pace utterly past to even read their kisses and whatnot. Like, woah. How did they even get there? I was even more confused to read how Sehun had developed feelings for the latter. I felt like Suzy didn’t feel exactly the same – probably because she was sick or something – and she seemed really distant most of the time, though mother-like, as you’d described her, whenever she takes care of Sehun. Nevertheless, it was confusing, and like what I’ve said before, the pace had played a vital role with my confusion. How did she even free him of his depression from the first chapter? How did Sehun even develop feelings for the latter? What featured had drove him to like, or love, the girl? There are just a lot of questions that should have been answered, yet they were left, as if ignored. I do hope that the following chapters answer at least most of my questions, but for now, I would give a relatively low grade for the flow of events.

e. Conflicts and Resolutions. 7.5/10

First and foremost, I would like to ask you how Suzy had readily accepted to say at Sehun’s apartment. I mean, didn’t Sehun even ask Suzy why she was so willing to help him? It wasn’t like he was too blinded with giving up or something, but I do believe that it’s a natural instinct to doubt someone who you just met. After all, she just talked him out after he sulked for three days, and she might’ve been joking or something when she said she wanted to help him at first. More so, despite the third person’s point of view used, it still focused on Sehun, so it’s hard to decipher Suzy’s personality. Anyway, yeah. It’s a bit confusing, especially since no family member of Suzy was mentioned whatsoever. More so, they seemed to be teenagers both, as you once mentioned that Sehun was eighteen-years-old. Were they still studying on the second chapter?

I was also confused with Sehun, since I wasn’t entirely sure as to how he still able to support himself. Heck, he even paid for all those things that he bought – for couples – on the second chapter. You did mention that he lived in a cheap apartment, so it’s safe to assume that he wasn’t too loaded or anything. Moreover, were his parents still supporting him, despite them accusing him for all those things that happened in the past, even if they had already divorced? For all I know, the age of nineteen – which is twenty in Korea – is the legal age, so technically, they should still support him, right? I remember him going to school with Luhan – who had recently committed suicide after jumping from a building – but I don’t remember anything of a legal age or something being mentioned further in your story, or did I miss it? Nonetheless, a job or something that Sehun might’ve had would’ve been understandable somehow. The same goes to Suzy as she even had appointments in the hospital. How was she able to afford those? I don’t remember anything about her family background being mentioned either.

Here are a few more confusing scenes that I found:

She laughed naturally like they weren’t even standing under a wet weather. She was indeed an odd person to withstand the cold atmosphere with only a one piece dress covering her, giving little warmth and comfort.

“My name is Bae Suzy, by the way. Nice to meet you, Oh Sehun.”

She introduced herself and extended her hand for a shake with his. Without a second to spare, his body reacted automatically almost too quickly and both exchange friendly handshakes. The tears streaming down from his eyes were long forgotten. A handshake that showed their first sign of friendship.

This was the ending scene on the very first chapter, after Suzy had talked to Sehun, convincing him that ending his life wouldn’t do him any good. What I found confusing here was the fact that Suzy had introduced herself, yet it seemed as if she already knew Sehun’s name. I have browsed through it multiple times, but I didn’t read anything along the lines of Sehun introducing himself first, or back, so how did she know his name? Perhaps, had Suzy read his name that was carved on the tree? If so, it would’ve been better if it was mentioned one way or another in the story, as it seemed a bit creepy at my first read.

Here’s another scenes I found quite disturbing from chapter one as well.

Apparently, he didn’t get up for three silent days from his bed after a real life drama of his brother’s and sister’s death by a rainy car accident, his parents shocking announcement of divorce after a bloody fight and the suicide of the the first person to understand him - his best friend.

All of those incidents were blamed on the innocent him as the first suspect on the list. It was too much for the boy who has a fragile heart to accept this dreadful news in such a short time.

This scene kind of reminded me of fasting, wherein a person doesn’t consume food for three days, though it involves drinking of water or juice, but refraining from any other type of food. In Sehun’s case though, I don’t think he drank any water either? Haha. I’m sorry if I’m so weird that I get into things like thes. Really though. Based from what I’ve read in your story, it was as if he just laid there, unmoving, as he kind of loathed his life. Did he, like, poop or something? Did he perhaps drink water, or was he too depressed to even think of those things? I’m so sorry if I’m too weird or anything now, but technically speaking, these things should be considered. Okay, I’ll shut up now.

The reason for his slight depression was a bit cliché though, and unfortunate at that. It was mentioned that his brother and sister died from a rainy car accident, his parents divorced after a fight and that his friend, Luhan, had committed suicide. It seemed a bit surreal for me that those things had happened all of a sudden, but yeah. I was hoping that you elaborate those unfortunate events for us. Maybe not on the next chapter, but for the following chapters. I just want to know why Luhan had committed suicide in the first place, and what Sehun had to do with him. How close were they? More so, what fight did his parent have that had resulted into divorce? Was it that bad? Try to explain more of his side of the story, and how he became more depressed as those problems occurred. By doing so, we – the readers – would be able to understand his character more.

Grammar and Writing Style: 17/20

a. Choice of Words and Use of Language. 5/5

You used the language proficiently – as expected from someone whose English is her first language. Thankfully, there were romanized, Korean words used, as that would’ve fitted the story. As a writer, I saw that you not only thought about what to say, but how to say it. Through your complete and coherent sentences and paragraphs, your ideas had seemed well-organized, though I do have to say that your paragraphs were sometimes cut unevenly. Despite that, I had still noticed a few confusing sentences and descriptions, but nevertheless, the style, the tome, and the clarity of you writing bloomed, and your writing was overly effective. As long as your chapters may seem, too, they were deepened, but not too deep so as to bore the readers. I didn’t find much redundancy either, which is a good thing, of course. More so, you write formally. The formality of the language you used had matched the formality of the entire story and the relationship between you and your readers. Good job!

b. Grammatical Errors. 8/10

As I’ve said before, you did well with your grammar and writing style. There were a lot of minor grammatical errors though, but they were too minor to being with. The worst problems that I encountered were the lack of commas and the multiple run-on sentences and comma splices here and there. You don’t have to hire a beta-reader though as I know that you can fix those errors yourself, though I think your co-author is your beta-reader? Needless to say, you only had minor errors which can be corrected simple and fast, so you don’t need to worry much.

Now, I had taken a few examples of those grammatical errors and made my own revision. There will be brief explanations after each illustration, too. P.S. Thank you for disallowing your story’s text selection. Also, I didn’t include all errors here as that would be considered as bete-reading. Anyway, let’s start~

(Original Version) The calm moonlight pierced itself through those lacy curtains and transparent window above the single white bed beside the wall.

(Revised Version) The calm moonlight pierced itself through the lacy curtains and the transparent window above the single, white bed.

The problem that I had encountered in this example was that there were too many phrases strung together. Actually, the worst mistake writers make with prepositional phrases is using so many they weigh a sentence down. How many is too many? Maybe more than three. Maybe more than one for every dozen words. The truth:  sometimes you need them, sometimes you don’t, and sometimes you are using them to do work better left to another part of speech. As for your example above, you didn’t specifically go overboard. Rather, it was confusing, like what were you pertaining them to in the first place. I simple removed the last phrase since it doesn’t really seem necessary to include the wall, as it would be obvious that there were walls.

Also, as much as possible, do not use demonstratives when you narrate in a third person’s point of view – at least when you pertain to a specific object that is unknown beforehand. Remember that your readers wouldn’t know where those are. For the example above though, I think an article would be a better choice than a demonstrative, hence the revision. There are times when articles are better than demonstratives, too.

(Original Version) However, as many seconds past, lonely hiccups and small sobs could be noticed. 

(Revised Version) However, as time passed by, lonely hiccups and small sobs could be noticed. 

The clause “as many seconds past” was a bit wrong, not only because of the wrong verb used, but because the clause didn’t really sound right either. First and foremost, you used past, which is a noun and not a verb. It should’ve been passed instead of past. As for the clause, well I haven’t head of that clause before, so I used “as time passed by” since it was more common. It would be weird to pertain to seconds, too. You could also use other phrases like “as time went on,” or maybe a clause like, “as time drifted away,” but that would be too dramatic. ^^

(Original Version) The only furniture, the bed which wasn’t neat and tidy was occupied by a laying young teenage boy and was the matter of fact the one who produced those cries of pains and sadness.

(Revised Version) The unkempt bed was occupied by a young, teenage boy, who had produced those cries of pains and sadness.

Take a look at your version and my revision. Did you notice how short your sentences can be? To be honest, your example was quite confusing. First of all, it was very much confusing to determine what those adjectives were pertaining to. For instance, I would’ve thought that you were talking about the only furniture that wasn’t neat and tidy, which meant that all furniture were neat except that one, which was the bed. On the other hand, I would’ve thought that you were talking about the bed being the only furniture in the room, which would really be confusing – which is why I made a broad revision. I simply removed the part about being the only furniture present and left the bed along with its adjective.

In relation to the first example, too, the demonstrative used can be accepted – at least by me – because it pertained to those cries of pains and sadness from the paragraphs below it.

(Original Version) … and the suicide of the the first person to understand him - his best friend.

(Revised Version) … and the suicide of the first person to understand him – his best friend.

Aside from the typographical repetition of the article “the,” I had noticed that you used a hyphen for a dash. A hyphen is the shorter mark that is often used to link two or more words together. It can sometimes be seen at the end of a line to break up a whole word that won’t fit into the space. A dash, on the other hand, is the longer line used as punctuation in sentences – coming in between words (as in this sentence). It can also be used – as here – in pairs. This a common mistake for most writers, to be honest. I have reviewed a lot of stories that had misused hyphens, too.

(Original Version) The girl giggled quietly at his shocking reaction, she thought this boy was pretty amusing in her eyes.

(Revised Version) The girl giggled quietly at his shocking reaction. She thought that the boy was pretty amusing in her eyes.

For this example, you had a case of a comma splice. A comma splice occurs when a writer has connected two main clauses with a comma alone. A main clause makes a complete thought, so you should not find a wimpy comma struggling to join two such powerful clauses. You can fix it using four ways: by using a period and the capitalization of the first word of the next sentence, by a comma and a coordinating conjunction, by a semi-colon, or by a subordinating conjunctions and if possible, a comma before it. Again, I removed the demonstrative, for previous reasons.

(Original Version) Her hands slowly came front, her right hand was gripping something mysterious inside her small fist; not that too tight. 

(Revised Version) Her hands slowly came front. Her right hand was gripping something mysterious inside her small fist. –or— Her hands slowly came front, her hand gripping something mysterious inside her small fist.

Again, you had a case of a comma splice. Fixing them is easy. You just have to pick from the previous four options, though it does depend on the transition of the independent clauses, and how closely related they are.

Also, you misused the semi-colon here. A semicolon is most commonly used to link (in a single sentence) two independent clauses that are closely related in thought. Needless to say, do not use a semi-colon for dependent clauses or phrases. Semicolons help you connect closely related ideas when a style mark stronger than a comma is needed. By using semicolons effectively, you can make your writing sound more sophisticated.

(Original Version) The other one grabbed the boy’s hand to also come forward, a soothing touch that send an electric tingling to his body.

(Revised Version) She grabbed the boy’s hand, sending electric tingles to his body from the soothing touch.

I’m not actually in favor of “the other one” and other phrases to pertain to people, to be honest. I mean, I use them – yes, but not that much. I don’t think you should either when it was obvious that it was Suzy. Maybe at the beginning of the scene, you could use it. Just don’t overdo it. Other than that, I had revised the sentence and made it simpler and clearer, though you can just revise it any way you want. Your version just kind of confused me.

(Original Version) Being in love with another person but that person couldn't even notice the slightest of his feelings.

(Recommended Version) Being in love with a person who couldn't even notice the slightest of his feelings had hurt him.

First of all, I was confused with “another person,” as I thought that he was in love with a person other than Suzy. Secondly, it doesn’t sport a complete thought either, as no verb was present in the phrase, “Being in love with a person.” Thus, I kind of just combined the two independent clauses and literally revised the whole sentence, removing the need of a coordinating conjunction. It sounded clearer, too, in my opinion.

(Original Version) This kind of thing was normal. Normal for both Suzy and Sehun that is. 

(Revised Version) This kind of thing was normal – normal for both Suzy and Sehun, that is. 

The second statement wasn’t a sentence. It didn’t sport a complete thought, so I used a dash to combine them and set off emphasis. Think of dashes as the opposite of parentheses. Where parentheses indicate that the reader should put less emphasis on the enclosed material, dashes indicate that the reader should pay more attention to the material between the dashes. Dashes add drama—parentheses whisper. On the other hand, the first thing to know when talking about dashes is that they are almost never required by the laws of grammar and punctuation. Overusing dashes can break up the flow of your writing, making it choppy or even difficult to follow, so don’t overdo it. As for the example above, it gave off as a bonus phrase as well. Phrases that add information or clarify but are not necessary to the meaning of a sentence are ordinarily set off with commas. But when the phrase itself already contains one or more commas, dashes can help readers understand the sentence.

c. Writing Style. 4/5

I do think that you really did well in this section. Not only was your comprehension good, but the way you wrote your story – how you delved deeply with appropriate words to associate the emotions emitted – had complimented the genres, or rather the entire story. The things that defined your writing style was how you had a knack of grammar and vocabulary. There weren’t much grammatical errors present, and for those which were indeed present, they weren’t anything major, though at some point, I did have high expectations seeing how English was your first language. On the downside, I did find a few broken paragraphs, and a few ones that should’ve been combined instead of separated. Remember to break your paragraph only when the idea has already been shifted into another. Remember to break your paragraph when you start a new topic, when you skip to a new time, when you skip into a new place, when a new person begins to speak – which is not applicable to your story, by the way – and when you want to produce a dramatic effect. Changing things up makes the conversation flow smoothly, at least from the reader's standpoint. It also helps make a picture in the reader's mind by inserting just the right detail to bring the scene to life. The last reason for using this kind of paragraph break is that people don't always reply with words.

Other than that, there were lines with Sehun’s thoughts, though they weren’t really marked nor emphasized. Like, for instance, most stories here italicized their characters’ thoughts, so that it would be obvious that they are indeed thoughts instead of mere lines from the narration of the story. Not italicizing them would’ve been better if you used a first person’s point of view, because it wouldn’t really matter as those lines would’ve been perceptualized by her, but then again, you didn’t use that. You used a third person’s POV, so to be more specific, maybe you should try italicizing them and see how they work. Oh, and by the way, are you British, perhaps? I kept on reading words like “flat” and “bloody.” I’m just curious. I haven’t met a British here in AFF. ^^

Over-all Enjoyment: 4/5

I did, in fact, enjoy your story, as it was clearly my cup of tea. I love angst stories, and what I loved the most was how deep you were that their emotions were all out. It was amazing, and it was really easy to feel how your characters feel. You did have a few loopholes to reconsider though, and I do believe that you can overcome those loopholes through improving. It’s an amazing story though, and I really don’t have that much to say at the moment since that story hasn’t even progressed that much yet. Needless to say, I hope you update soon to enlighten us even more. Good luck!