original version of nightmares - completed on the 28th October 2013.
edited version here 

 

 

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You.

You were the popular one; the one that attracts countless of both girls and guys with every step you take and every smile you show. Everyone loves you and it’s no joke that you were one of the biggest stars in school. With every love confession and chocolate from your admirers, you’d return them with a sincere, dazzling smile that would melt each and every one of them.

You seemed confident, happy with yourself. Your smile never left your face at all - even when you didn’t get selected for the Performing Arts Major Programme. But you never gave up.

‘Chase for your dreams,’ you’d say to everyone that has ever asked you how you managed to stay happy. Again, with that smile.

Your appearance was nothing less than your personality. Your hair was soft and long and you’d unconsciously flip it. Your teeth were white and straight, showcasing a brilliant, bright grin every time you opened them. Your nose was like a button and your figure was perfect.

You were bright. You respected everyone and you often goofed off with your friends. You’d make videos of you playing pranks and having fun with your friends. You tried different video games and studied so hard that it was no surprise you’d ace most tests.

Your soothing voice fills every play, every performance that our school has to offer as your confidence oozes through the crowd. You were happy on stage, any stage, as long as you got to express your desperation for feelings.

You were lost; happy, but lost.

 

 

I.

I, on the other hand, was the complete opposite. I was the dork, the wallflower of the school. I try to socialize but I’d always get turned down. I eventually found a group of nice guys that were about the same social rank as me. We became friends, and I was pretty contented with life.

It was one day at lunch when I noticed you. You were sitting with your friends and your friend shared a joke. All of you laughed. But something about your laugh, it attracted me. The sound of your laughter was soothing, at least for me. I liked how your grin was the biggest when you were all laughing. Your eyes also became smaller.

But maybe, just maybe, I might be the only one that had spotted the lack of emotion in your eyes.

You never left my thoughts after that, god knows why. I started noticing you more. I noticed that your locker was not far from mine. Our bunkrooms were four doors away. You’d always sit at the same, small round table during lunch with your other three friends and you seemed to like eating mashed potatoes. That’s cute.

You apparently love Science. When you concentrate, your tongue will unconsciously stick out while you bite your pen. Then you’d get annoyed by yourself because your pen would get wet from your saliva.

 

//

 

Ah, maybe I am one of those unpopular and normal people that gets attracted by the school’s sweetheart. But I wouldn’t say that I fell for you. Your eyes just intrigue me. You seemed so happy yet so broken. I wanted to know why.

 

The first time I ever talked to you was after your seventh performance this term. You sang a cover of Zedd’s Clarity with your perfect English with a tint of Korean accent. You received a standing ovation from the school. Afterwards, many people congratulated you. I was one of them. You turned to look at me, gave me a huge smile and thanked me. You even bowed. I will never forget that day. To think about it, my reaction to the butterflies I felt in my tummy when you thanked me was hilarious.

The second time was a weird story, actually. I apparently got really depressed. My parents called me all the way from New York to let me know that my grandmother is in the hospital. I wanted so desperately to visit her, but my parents denied my request.

‘It’s your last year,’ they said. ‘Focus on your studies. Grandma will live long enough.’

I didn’t know how I survived that day to be honest. I refused to eat or drink, let alone talk. I was emotionless and I wanted to break down at the most inconsiderate and inappropriate times. But then, I saw you. You were, once again, smiling that smile of yours. And I honestly don’t know what came into me.

But for the first time after that call, I felt myself smiling at your smile.

Now, this really downed on me hard. I’m not supposed to feel a sense of calmness through your smile. Not when you were trying so desperately to fake it. Why did I even smile?

It was then when I realised that I fell for you. I fell for your goofiness, your voice, your confidence, your smile and your eyes.

I love your eyes.

I wanted you, and I would get you.

 

Ah, back to the point. So after I realized that I had cheered up a little because of you, I shyly made my way to you, quickly and clumsily muttered a ‘thanks’ and ran off. I didn’t know why I did that. I just felt the need to show gratitude to you for cheering me up a little, even when you probably didn’t know about my existence. Ah don’t worry, sometimes I think that I’m an idiot too.

But before I could really run off, you managed to grab hold of my arm. My giant spectacles fell off and I almost fell on you but I, unfortunately, managed to balance myself. We both stumbled a little though. I swear my face turned red after I realised that I was so near to you – and that you were still grabbing on to my arm. It was a hell awkward position but you laughed. You laughed as if it was the funniest thing ever.

And that just showed how desperately hard you were trying to make yourself seem happy.

Once you stopped your fit of laughter, you turned to me. You tilted your head cutely and stared at me as if you were trying to see who I was. A second later you gave me a wide smile and calmly asked me why I thanked you. Unfortunately, I wasn’t as calm as you. My heart was beating rapidly fast and my palms were sweating. I didn’t know how to explain how you made a complete, idiotic and invisible stranger’s, day.

I stammered a soft nothing and I pulled away. This time, I really ran off. That was probably one of the best yet worst days of my life.

A week later, I found out that my grandmother had passed away.

 

//

 

After our second experience, you seemed to become more interested in me. I felt your eyes staring at me from behind. You apparently found out my bunkroom and you’d walk past it often. You bought food from the same store as me during lunch. I didn’t know if I should be glad or disappointed that you abandoned your love for mashed potatoes. We also made a lot of eye contact during lunch. Your actions drove me crazy. I felt like an idiot in love.

You made advances to me soon enough. You’d say ‘Hi’ to me in the corridors or make a small conversation with me right before we enter our separate rooms. I’d stammer a lot and my cheeks would heat. But you’d laugh in the end, pinch my cheeks and wish me a good night.

Not long after we exchanged numbers. These phase was when I realised how dumb I was, determining that I’d get you a few months back but you’re the one that got me. I was stupidly crazy over your cute smile and sweet, heart catching ways. You’d text me every morning and night, wishing me a good time ahead. Sometimes you’d even ask me out but I never had the guts to agree. But still, I did, one day. We had ice cream and a date at the park. We played with water and ran with children. I’ve never felt this happy with my life. I’ve spent so much time with you that I got worried when you took more than ten minutes to answer my text messages.

You then knew of my singing capability. You complimented on how soothing and great you think my voice sounds. You even claimed that my voice was better than yours. But to me, your voice is still the best. You then suggested that we did a duet together right then. I didn’t see anything wrong with it so I agreed. Our voices harmonized perfectly as if we were made to do this. To me, your voice stood out. You sang with so much passion and emotion. It was as if you felt every single feeling the song was trying to convey. And I was convinced you did. I was worried though. The song was an emotional call for help.

 

//

 

It wasn’t a surprise to anyone when we got together a few weeks later. We accidentally shared a kiss a few days before. Then, a few minutes later, we intentionally shared another.

I finally got you, after dreaming for so long.

 

It was after we got together when I started learning about you and your past.

You apparently had a loving family. Your family was well off and your brother was good looking as well. Your brother loved to tease you and both of you would play video games together. Your family had nothing to do with what you were feeling. Or rather, not feeling.

You, yourself, claimed to not know why you felt empty. ‘It’s probably just me,’ you’d say with a small smile. But I was still so worried. I wanted to help you. I’ve gotten you; I need to help you now. I really wanted you to be happy. But you’d refuse. You’d always say that you’re happy now, after you got me. You’d say it with a bright smile. Then we’d hug and share a kiss or two.

 But I think that your eyes gave it away.

Your eyes can’t lie to me. Not when they were the ones that attracted me to you from the start.

 

Day by day, I was getting more and more upset. You looked so lost and your eyes were crying for help. You were crying for help. But you didn’t show me. You acted so happy, so contented when you were around me. But I knew better.

You were going to break and crumble very soon. Very, very soon. And I’m afraid that I won’t be able to help you then, when I can’t even help you now.

 

//

 

You were starting to lose yourself. You slowly lost your smile and enthusiasm. You’d sometimes stay at home because you couldn’t find the will to get up for school. Your friends would ask me about you but I honestly wouldn’t know how to answer them. You were losing your passion for singing. You became ill easily with fevers and flu. You didn’t take care of yourself. I’d try to feed you food but you’d refuse. You’d scold me when I force you.

 You had no idea how I’d cry myself to sleep because of how helpless I felt.

//

 

And then it didn’t take long for you to completely break.

It was another horrendous day at school without you. I had to answer hundreds of your fans in school of your whereabouts. I’d involve myself in quarrels when they think that ‘I don’t know’ is an unacceptable answer. It is unacceptable, yes I agree. But I wasn’t entirely lying. I didn’t know where the guy I fell for went to. He was lost and trapped somewhere. And I had a feeling he wouldn’t be able to escape.

I stopped by your house that day. You lived alone in a small and cosy apartment. But my opinion entirely changed when I entered your house at that moment. Your furniture was in a mess and you threw a lot of vases and glasses on the wall. Your kitchen chairs were flipped and there were stains of blood.

Blood.

Oh, .

I dashed into where I thought you’d be; your room.

You were there, lying on your bed, completely unharmed from the glasses and damage you did to your house. Your room was a big mess but you seemed somewhat calm.

“Sunggyu?” 

I cautiously walked toward you. Your eyes followed my movements as I sat on your bed, beside you. You stared at me as if you were observing me. And then you laughed.

You laughed out of nowhere and you wouldn’t stop. But it wasn’t those funny or happy laughs. It was one that screamed ‘I have gone crazy’.

And you had.

 

//

 

I’d occasionally visit you at the mental institution to see how you were doing. But I’m a greedy person. After I realised that I would never receive the love I used to receive from you ever again, I stopped visiting you. I continued with school though you never left my mind. I forced myself to give up on you because I didn’t want to get more hurt than I already was.

 Yes I’m selfish, that I agree.

I then fell in love with another guy after some time. It was then when I was constantly reminded of you. Every time my new lover does something, I’d reminisced about our times together. I’d think about how we had done that together already. During that time, secretly, I would go to the institution to observe you from afar. I’d see you laughing at yourself and screaming at the walls. You’d cry out of nowhere. My heart ached a lot. Your condition was getting worse and I didn’t do anything about it. And that’s because I’m only human. I was in love with you, but I loved someone else already. And that was the reason that convinced me to leave that mental institution and never return back. I don’t know how you’re doing now, but Kim Sunggyu, I miss you so much.

 

//

 

 

On that day, I sent you to the hospital straight after you attempted suicide after you laughed out of nowhere. I was devastated when the doctors had told me that you completely lost your mind. And what was saddening was that you couldn’t control what you were thinking at all. You had no power over your thoughts anymore due to severe depression for a dangerously long period of time.

 And the worst part is, nobody could find out why you had become this way.

 

 

My dream haunts me right until this day.

My dream has apparently become my nightmare.