{WARNING IF YOU THINK MY DEPRESSIVE ANGRY STATES ARE ANNOYING DONT BOTHER READING THIS POST----HOWEVER IT WOULD BE NICE TO HAVE SOMEONE TO TALK WITH} 

Hi

I feel like I'm annoying when I post about my problems...I know so many of you send nice messages to me telling me to stay strong and that everything will be okay... 

For the past few days my emotions have gotten more and more out of control, I have been crying randomly also destroying things more often. It's like my anger is mixing with my anxiety and depressive sets- the result causing me to not know what to do with myself I want to watch a TV show but it becomes boring and dull just like my life it's becoming dull a shade of grey is being spread over my world... 

Today I tried to use my new laptop but it's just not working I cannot watch YouTube nor can I go on tumblr guys I can't do anything with it and it's actually causing me to because more upset because I have gone over a ing year without a working laptop and my mum got me a second hand one that lasted a day before it decided to hate me this was because the previous owner had used it for all his gaming downloading virus after virus then giving it to me to try and fix I never was able to fix it. I waited patiently as my mum said she would get me one soon and every time she tried something would go wrong and I never got one, for the past year I have used my mums iPad for over 5 months until I was given free of charge a iPad from a family member only problem with this was it had a smashed screen that I had to fix which I did and have been using it ever since... But the iPad can only do so much and I haven't watched any of my favourite animes because the site I used to use doesn't work on an iPad *sigh*. I got the Microsoft laptop thing the one that's like an iPad but with an attachable keyboard which is also second hand... I am so upset that this is also starting to play up on me I feel like everything hates me. 

I am now trying to think how long it would take me to earn £500-£600 with my supposed job because they haven't called me back for months now and I need ing money, this is because my mum is only paying for my brothers clothes and stuff like that I pay for myself seriously I'm invisible I always get second hand stuff while my brother has over £100 spent on he doesn't even need. She told me today that her and my brother are going to go on a 3 day holiday for my brother to meet Diversity (the dance group) which would mean I would be alone -which I don't mind being away from my spoilt brat of a brother- that trip is costing over £200 I feel like he's having everything handed to him while I'm going without something I need a ing new laptop not touched by anyone a new one from a store I'm sick and ing tired of my laptops not working because the previous owners used them wrong. 

I get £2.50 a week from my nan I get all from my dad, never get anything off my mum and all I want to do is try and get a job in Costa and see what I can do because I need a ing laptop before September next year I'm going to college for sake and I need one! I am already taking my mums expensive camera for my photography class... I know I probably sound like a spoilt brat myself but guys I have gone without so my brother could do things, I have gone days without eating because they take all the food and go to dance classes and events all over England leaving me alone with nothing and they wonder why I hide all my money that I receive because I have had over £50 stolen by my sneaky brother I pay for my food for school now I don't even take anything I go all day only on a ing apple. I have to save up for everything I want and need... 

I need to stop talking about That before I start crying again. 

I actually scared myself about 20 mins ago because I wanted to get my razor and slide it across my leg harder than I normally would I wanted to see blood pour from my cut but I stopped myself but I want to do it... I really want to do it everything has been building up inside my head for weeks and I can't hold it any longer, I have my brother in his room swearing at his game that is so loud I have a headache, my mum is sick and I have been the one having a silent battle with myself while I care for her need aka I cook the food she eats I watch, I run baths for her I make her drinks I get her medication, I clean the house after everyone leaving my room to become more cluttered, I have to deal with my cat and all my brothers angry moments when he needs to go to bed *cries* I have been waking up at ing 3am again and it's the holiday I want to sleep in but my anxiety is on high alert because my mum has Asthma and she is suffering a chest infection causing her to choke. I can't cope with this any more my brother s off out to play in town leaving me alone with my mum then he comes home demands I cook him food.. If I say no I get beaten by him I've been threatened and when I try and get help my mum just screams at me telling me it's my fault.

Everything is my fault. I'm useless. Worthless. Pathetic. 

this my brain is messed up and I can't do anything apart from vent here because it's the only site my family and friends won't see... I'm sorry I am annoying and I'm sorry that I'm so depressed all the time, I am sorry for being alive, I'm so sorry for even trying to write fanfics with my sloppy grammar due to dyslexia, I'm sorry I moan all the time, I'm sorry guys I'm sorry... I will just cry for a while bye..................................