Hey...

so I bet you all feel the Christmas spirit...I don't school ruined this year for me and now here I am at 13:38 on 23rd December 2014 crying my eyes out alone in my room in an empty house because I feel like a ing failure. I was triggered today and all I am thinking about is my friends and I now question if they are even friends...

i have the 2 who cause me stress with their possessive ways..

I have my best friend who I keep thinking secretly hates me...

I have the others who never speak to me outside of school...

they all hang with each other outside of school and never invite me and I know I have anxiety problems making it hard for me to leave the house but if I had someone with me I think I would be fine...I tell myself to just leave the possessive two but every time I try to leave I get guilt trips.. And do you know how hard I am trying to not to pick up my razor I cut myself 2 days ago and didn't understand why i did it all I know is I wanted to... My mum refuses to let me see a doctor because she does not want any daughter of hers to be labeled as psycho.... 

I honestly want a ing hug and a person to come to my house and talk to me while hugging me tightly, I'm so ing lonely and it's ing christmas I'm supposed to be ing happy but I'm not I'm depressed as and just want to ing die.... Also a girl I know used to speak to me a lot and we were thee for each other but it started to be more I was there for them and now she literally left me for other friends.. I walked out of a lesson because she was threatening to kill herself I stayed talking to her for 1 hour till she calmed down that was the last time we spoke I've been replaced just like always...

I ING HATE THIS, BEING REPLACED AND LEFT FOR DEAD, I WANT SOMEONE THEIR FOR ME WHEN I NEED THEM I NEED SOMEONE TO KEEP ME FROM DOING STUPID THINGS!! 

*just throws everything and cries alone*