As you know if you've read my previous blog post, I've been feeling extremely down lately because of a series of depressing events right before the holidays. But it wasn't these events specifically that discouraged me from writing, but rather the emotions that followed.

For the past few weeks before winter vacations, I'd spend my weekends at school in the forest all day, just sitting and staring at brown sticks. When I got cold, I would head over to the library and sit in my favorite chair flipping through magazines until eleven at night. Once I got home, the same lazy routine reinvented itself: I'd sit down on the couch and watch the world pass by on the opposite side of double-paned glass, then I'd go lie on my bed and memorize the cracks in the ceiling for a couple more hours, then I'd waste hours on my computer doing nothing, and I'd eventually end up on the couch once more.

When this type of routine is described in stories (or even real life stories), the character is usually diagnosed with an "empty" feeling. However, for me, it was quite the opposite. In fact, I was juggling a terribly overwhelming amount of emotions at once, and constantly wanted to cry (but I couldn't, because that's who I am). After feeling terrible for a while, I'd burst into tears at the randomest moments. Actually, just yesterday, I was reorganizing the clothes in my drawers and my mother said something to me about how I needed to be cleaning my room because my friend was coming over. I found myself thinking, 'Why should I do that? What's the point?' And those little questions made me start wondering about broader questions, 'What's the point of doing anything? Why am I even folding my clothes? Why is my friend coming over?' All of these ultimately led me to wonder what my purpose was as a human being, and why I was even alive. And, I don't know why, but that was the first day in several weeks that I ended up sobbing into my pillow. Now that I'm recalling it all, the story sounds a bit silly, huh?

Having a friend over was nice, but once she left, I started to feel upset again. I started looking for ways to make myself feel better, and couldn't think of anything. So, likewise, I continued my couch, bed, computer routine and barely even exited the house.

One of these days, I decided to read. Within two days, I re-read my favorite book, and started to re-read my other favorite book. I think that opening the books struck a chord inside of me, and helped me realize exactly what I needed to do to make myself feel better.

I'd been so busy with my nothing routine that I'd forgotten AFF could have helped me feel less like crap. I write because I like to escape reality, and an escape from reality is just what I needed. To some degree, I think that everyone else on this website - regardless whether you're a reader, writer, or shop-owner - can agree that it's nice to take a break from the real world once in a while. That's why k-pop is so wonderful; it's not just a musical thing, it's a whole community that will welcome you in and make you forget about everything around you.

So, long story short, I had a random epiphany after reading my favorite books and that's why I'm back!

PS. Thank you all for your supportive comments on my last blog. Reading through them made me feel so encouraged, and I will now try to respond to as many as I can. You are all incredibly lovely people ♡