Hey x

Its only 10 days till Christmas that means 4 days till school ends for 2 weeks...and I can't wait. All weekend I wanted to sleep as Friday night and Saturday night are the only nights I get the proper average amount of sleep since my stress levels from school aren't messing in my brain, but Saturday my brother decided to cause trouble and allow his friend to stay even though he was told no he then thought that 1-3 am was a good time to make as much noise as he could walking around the house waking me and my mum up so I couldn't sleep then and last night a ing decided she was going to down a whole bottle of vodka and more alcohol in my living room going dead weight making my next door neighbour carry her across the road to her house to then wake my friend up, I woke up confused didn't know where I was at all I thought it was 3-4 am the normal time I wake up in a Monday morning but when I got up to do my morning routine my mum suddenly came out of nowhere and we had a conversation...I looked at my phone 00:20 I was in shock because I was now wide awake I had to down a massive cup of coffee this morning *sigh* 

im so tired and that on top of stress and anxiety caused me to act super weird around everybody, I started to move away when teachers came near me mostly my male teachers I would shake violently like having a panic attack (I did have one today just didn't let anyone know) I hadn't brought a lot of food with me since the thought of eating a lot of food makes me sick.... And I got accused of crash dieting because I wasn't eating and apparently I would sit and watch people eat their lunches and say 'oh I'm hungry, I really wish I could eat that' now from what I'm aware I have been watching people eat but I don't remember saying things.. I normally keep my thoughts on food and myself privet to the people at school.... *sigh* in a way I am dieting badly I'm not eating a lot at all...I'm not drinking enough.. 

I am worried about tomorrow though...I think I am stupid...I have to write a speak for English and I was going to write about EXO but for some reason I couldn't think of something really good to write..so I was listening to my lesbian friend who was saying how she was going to write about homophobia and her girlfriend and the bullying that was happening in her life.... So I thought what about if I write about my disorders.... The social anxiety and the day to day struggle with living with the anxiety disorders....then bring in EXO and explain how I found something the helps me with my disorders tht calms me down enough to think straight... But I'm worried I'm going to trigger myself I've done it before I stupidly trigger myself but I'm not wanting to trigger myself tomorrow.... I am also worried that what I write will be shown to teachers and they will talk to me.. They have told my mum already to get me to a doctor but she refuses to because she doesn't want me labeled... 

this is is one messy blog post sorry x 

bye bye guys I better do this stupid homework for tomorrow