Hey guys! I know it's been a while since my last blog... and my last update. I've been going through some stuff and I've also been piled in homework because I'm in my junior year in high school, and this year is the most important year in my high school life. I appreciate those who have stuck with me even after such a long time of being MIA!

I've been pretty troubled about this boy recently. It's a really long story, actually. I'm not going to go into it very much, but if you guys would read the following Q&A, that would be great.

This Q&A was something I made myself. It's supposed to be very therapeutic. Recently, my thoughts have been all over the place, and this was one thing to set my mind straight. You may not get a lot of what I'm going to say since I haven't told you guys the whole story, but here it is. 

My goal is to get comments back. I would love to have more questions, and if you guys want me to tell you the details, I will! But one can easily infer what happened by reading this. Anyways, I hope you guys can help me sort my mind.

 

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Why did you not tell him you liked him?

I didn't believe he liked me. He said he did A LOT, but I don't know. I wanted to believe him, but there was something that was bothering me about this whole thing. Literally the day after I started texting him, he started saying that he liked me. It felt like that happened too fast, and he's probably just being delusional. I was convinced that he didn't like me and that I didn't like him.

 

What went through your mind when he told you he liked you?

I felt complete. Then, I realized that it wouldn't last. He wouldn't like someone like me for too long. And it didn't last.

 

What do you mean 'someone like me'?

I don't know really... a liar? A depressed person? How can he love someone who doesn't even love herself? I guess one of the reasons why I didn't tell him what I felt was because I didn't feel like I deserved him. I told him before that he was too perfect, but I lied about it not being my type. There is no perfect person in the world, but in my eyes he is perfection. Despite being hella emotional but you know.

 

What was one thing he did that made you rethink your decisions?

One thing? There were many things. There was this one time where he jogged all the way to my house to give me the headphones that he liked. I still remember how my heart was beating so fast and how gross he smelled. I also remember the smell of the headphones, because I swear the damn thing smelled so good. It smelled like him. Minus the sweat. He also walked to my house and danced to one of my favorite songs in the rain. I remember how I told him to go away, but really I just wanted him to stay. It was raining. I didn't let him inside my house. I made him walk back. I told him it was because he was going to get sick, but that was one reason. If he stayed longer, I would be screwed. One other thing was when we were texting. He told me that he started believing in God more ever since he met me. That made me cry. It felt so real. I believed him, but I forced myself not to.

 

Can you explain that last phone call?

The last phone call was something I wanted no memory of. I actually forced myself to not remember some things. From what I remember, I was setting up the table when we talked.  He told me that we should stop talking. It would be better for us, he said. When he said that, part of me went numb. I was still doing stuff around the kitchen, and I remember how my eyes got watery so I tried to finish what I was doing quickly so so could go to my room. I remember us both crying. I told him about my depression, but I don't know why. He promised me that he would be there for me no matter what. He said that there's always space for me. But, I don't know if that actually happened. I don't know a lot of things. I didn't know a lot of things.

 

What did you do when he started dating her?

I don't know. I felt happy for him. I felt happy for them both. I didn't know I liked him at that point. I know deep inside I was hurt.

 

When did you realize you liked him?

When my grandpa died. August 2014. He was the first one I wanted to talk to. It was too late though.

 

Too late?

I remembered Marco's promise that he would be there for me and take me back. But so many things happened in the past year. He changed. I changed too. My chance was up.

 

Did you ever think that you were confused with liking someone and wanting sympathy?

Yes. I'm still kind of confused at this moment, actually. When I realized that I liked him, I stopped myself and asked, "What if I'm just using him to make me happier?" But I think I realize that it's been more than a year since everything happened. No one can like someone who doesn’t like them back for so long. Ask him. He knows. But I still stuck with him. That means something, right?

 

When do you think you fell in love with him?

Love. I don't know about that word. If I replace love with like... when did I not fall in like with him?

 

Describe your feelings now.

Weird. I want to punch him but I also want to hug him. His hugs are my favorite. That sounds hella cheesy but it's the truth.

He's changed a lot. Sometimes I wonder if it's my doing. Maybe part of it is.

I don't really care if he likes me back or not. I just want him to be happy. But I really do want him to know the truth--my side of the story. That is if I have the guts to do so, of course.

 

Why him?

I know right.