1. Life

2. My life

3. If you stay by my side, your life .

4.promise you'll leave.

 Ugh, angst after angst.. I'm scared that my life will continue to shut people out. If you didn't know me.. You'll think I'm a very nice person that considers others.

No I'm a very scared person that let's others push me around.

what did I do in another life to hurt myself like this? 

Not physically.. I wish I knew how to scar my pain with physical pain.

Nope, it's all mental. Life is mental, all my challenges were never challenges.. At least if other people walked in.. They'd think that.. Yet I'm having a hard time? Love, I love my family.. I love my friends.. The ones that aren't too close.. I love food, people I just meet.. I love readings.. I love this and that.. But I've lied to several exes saying I love them.. Being in love is hard to do when you only feel comfortable enough to let people walk a certain line.. No ones ever sat in my world, I keep shutting down at the worst times.

i often ask myself why I shut people out.. My life is so clutched of all my answers deal with trust and being scared.

Am I really scared when I can write this out? 

Life just but I'm sure life more when a girl like me will love you while your at a distance comfortable enough for her.. But as soon as you want more she fools you, she becomes everything you regret. You waste your time getting to know her when she says theres not much. When you see every once in awhile.. You see her world at times.. You see how she struggles but you don't know why she promises that it's nothing.

you eventually get tired trying to break down the wall of china that guards her heart and the world you know that she knows you know exist.

As  soon as you promise her that you'll be here.. You see how much more she closes up.. How she drowns in shallow water.. Then you feel as if your air is thickened by how stubborn this girl becomes by the day.. 

How much you give, how much you want to love a girl like me.. To cater for her..

this is for all the exes that wall on my life and have tried to become closer to me by saying "I love you." 

More to theose best best friends that promise to stay by my side through whatever..

To those who are considering me as someone that isn't broken..

i have several errors like many others but the way I deal with them.. Only cuts at my heart.. To tell those who unfortunately got hurt by me cutting them with my words, by the words I don't say, or by the actions such as comfort and resistance that I do and don't show..

im sorry.. I'm sorry that you didn't get a warning that I'm a broken human-being that doesn't want to be fixed. One day i might let someone in.. But don't waste your time unless you're okay with your life .. Unless you know that my exterior is someone who listens to anyone and everyone and I'll definitely prove to be trust worthy as well as what that person may need or want at the time.. But my interior is filled with scars, someone who is deathly afraid that someone might see more than she wants.. That someone will cross that electric line and not be affected by the harsh pain she carries.. That they will only stay to learn more.. a good  dream to sleep on but the reality breaks her.. On the inside she hate the world.. She is easily pushed over because although she listens to others she can't listen to herself till it's late.

i don't come with a warning.. But Im only a waste of time if you get too close is what I tell myself.. I like crying to myself and if a close friend or a family memeber were to be near me at a time I need to cry.. I will hold it in.

I've only cried in front of one ex.. And afterwards I cried more for crying.

i know life and I know that's not new news.

i pray that my 19 years are learning lessons and that I won't hurt myself with words or others. 

I hope my exterior becomes my interior one day.

i hope this blog on myself.. Doesn't make me cry later for writing.. I just need to let out my thoughts.. To promise myself a stronger fate of happiness instead of this hatefulness I have against myself.