Oh god

Anyone else who understands that feeling when you remember happy times you would do anything to go back to, and you start to cry and you get hysterical and wants to disappear, delete yourself from everything.

I'm having an anxiety attack and just had to write something here to not make myself do something bad.

I just... bleh... I read some stuff about other people being depressed, and then they get a boyfriend/girlfriend, they get someone who loves them. I know it's silly, but... When is it my turn? When do I get to meet that cute guy who holds me when I cry and eventho he knows how much I cry and hate myself for no reasons sometimes... he's still there?

It feels like everyone else is getting a bf/gf this year. In Kpop there's been some couples coming out to the open, in youtube there's  A LOT of people getting into relationships. People I know, people around me is getting into relationships and is always writing how happy they are that they finally got that bf or gf they've been waiting for, who brought them from dark to light, blablabla. 

People I used to hang out with, who lied about their stepfather abusing them, who treated me like etc etc they found a bf/gf and are happy and all.

I really do wish I exaggerated when I wrote all this, and thought about it. But it really is like this, that everyone around me is getting someone, and yet I it here tucked in a blanket, constantly having anxiety attacks, panic attacks, crying because my whole family is just split apart, my dad who never calls me and treats me and my brother like garbage and lies. My mother who somewhat is there for me, but can say very harsh words that can make me go to the bottom and take a few days to get back up. That I have to go to therapy, without any of it working. That I can't even go to the grocery store without feeling like the ugliest and most useless piece of for being alive.

I'm sorry for all this, I just need to get it out of my mind. 

It just bugs me how I can like someone, but I never get them. I constantly hear "If you love yourself, then others can love you." And how sickening that is to me. Why would anyone think that is a good thing to say to someone they know is depressed. "Just go to therapy and everything will get better. Like, you're depressed and all. There's a reason you can't find love. No one will love you if you don't love yourself." 

Is there something wrong with me?

I remember when I was in 6th grade. I was 12 years old. My grandma had bought me a key chain holder, or whatever it's called. The words "Världens Gulligaste Tjej" was printed on it. (Meaning: The World's Most Adorable Girl) It was for my birthday. She bought it because she said that was exactly what I was to her. I was happy, and proudly had my keys on it, walked to school and was proud because it meants something to me. It was dear to me.

When I got to school, before classes even had started, I was going for my locker to put away my bag. Some boys in my class stopped me and looked at the key chain holder around my neck with the words.

They laughed at it. They laughed at me. They literally tore it off from my neck and looked at me with such mocking expressions on their faces.

"Are you stupid? You the most adorable girl? No way! You're too ugly! I bet you bought it for yourself, thinking you were better than everyone else!"

I said no. I told them I didn't buy it for myself, that it was a gift from my grandma. They told me I lied and threw it in the trashcan. About 10 other students flocked around us, some of them blocked the trashcan when I was going to retrieve my key's from the trash can. They laughed at me, and everyone surrounded me, laughing, calling me ugly, worthless , stupid nazi just because my grandma is from Germany.

I walked home that day crying and cut that key chain holder into pieces and never used it again.

And that story is true. And just ONE incident. Maybe it's nothing big to anyone else, but to me... being met with stuff like this, and other stuff daily created a big darkness in my mind, feelings, life, everything.

I feel so dramatic writing all this, but just had to write out my feelings and thoughts for a bit. I will probably delete this post when I'm in a better mood.

It felt good tho... writing this and just... clear my mind. And sorry for the bad english in this, lol.

So, moving to another topic. 

There's this guy at my work, same age as me, who apparently according to my mother, almost have the exact situation with his dad as I do.

I'm wondering if I should talk to him, just to make a friend at least? But I'm too shy so idk... he's very shy too and what I know (Since he went to my old classmates class) he's very popular and so on... maybe he doesn't need my friendship? idk...

well, my mind is a bit lighter now. Thank you.