Parabatai: warriors who are willing to die for each other in battle/ very good friends/ brothers/ 

 

After all the chaos and dramas, I believe everything was back to its state. I heard Clary’s mother is in the hospital and she has Luke, Simon and Clary to look after her even when she’s in her coma state. There was nothing much left for us, the Shadowhunters to do but we have done our part for the Cup and I’m glad I made the choice to do it. There were also a few things that I have learnt in our so-call journey for the Mortal Cup. I learnt what ‘love’ truly was and how it felt when I was with Clary. I learnt what ‘hurt’ and ‘guilt’ was when I saw Alec in pain and poisoned and there was nothing I could do to help it… that was ‘helplessness’. I learnt ‘jealously’ when Magnus flirted with Alec back at the party. I was stronger now but at the same time also weaker for I have actually found my very own weakness and that weakness was…

Alec.

After things have been back to the way it was, I had told Clary that I didn’t see her the same way anymore and it wasn’t because I was bombarded with the news that she’s my sister… well, it sort of was but I don’t believe it. It was more to the fact that after all the action ended, I realize that I had not wanted her affection instead I wanted his attention. Maybe, I actually had notice Alec’s stares and his thoughtfulness for me and I suppose I did take it to my advantage. I act like I didn’t know his secret, I act like I only love him as a brother… I act like I never had feelings for him just to see him act like that towards me. He was a liar to his own feelings but I didn’t mind it because I played along to his games and slowly, I watch Alec get jealous over Clary. Maybe I thought it was a nice joke to see the calm and cool Alec all frustrated and angry but when it was all over, I realize the joke was on me.

For what I did, only managed to drive Alec away and into Magnus’ glittery arms instead. I never liked that guy for he looked at Alec in a way, I wish I could in public. I knew that it was only a matter of time before Alec would fall for his charms and sweet words because Alec was that kind of guy and he would soon realize how much a I was and be with Magnus instead and soon, he wouldn’t even need me anymore. I would only be his friend, his partner, his parabatai but that’s where in ends. So, I have been only messing with my own feelings and Clary had just been an escape. I knew, it was wrong of me to kiss her, to make her heart beat fast for me but while she had her eyes close, mine was stuck to Alec’s.

I broke off with Clary and she didn’t seem to mind much. Maybe she was just giving me a mask, maybe she was hurt? But she hardly knew me so if she was hurt, it was way lesser than the hurt Alec has over the years because of me. I apologize and even let her kick me before she turned away and cuss before she left. I hadn’t seen her then, maybe I didn’t want to after all. I stayed back at the Institute for no particular reasons and only left when I had a mission. Occasionally, I would bump into Isabelle but she doesn’t exchange any words with me and instead we share glances before we walked pass one another and act like it never happened.

I was the only one out for missions for Alec was still recovering and Isabelle had to take care of the Institute and her brother so I had all the fun to myself but it also gets lonely and whenever I hear that Magnus was here to see and take care of Alec, it just makes my blood boiled. Alec has never once said he wanted to see me or talk to me after the incident. Was he mad? Was he pissed? Hurt? Happy? I don’t know but it boils to know he rather see that glittery man with a Chairman Meow rather than me. I mean… who doesn’t want to see me?!

Okay. I suppose maybe Clary would hate to see me… Maybe and probably Simon as well but that was everyone else! This was Alec! Alec never turned away from me. He loved my attention to him! He yearns for it and I enjoy giving him every little attention I have but right now, he obviously loves Magnus’ attention more than he loves mine. I huffed as I laid down in bed and stared at the ceiling. It was a little pass midnight and I just go out from the shower after a long bath because the blood and stench of the ones I killed just stuck to me like super glue.

I sigh as my thoughts ran back to Alec. I suppose I could make the first move and see him? But, I am Jace Wayland! I never make the first move! I groan loudly as my eyes turn to look at the door. Maybe, just this once… for Alec. I stood up from the bed and with only my jeans, I took off to where Alec would be.

I knocked the door twice before I heard his “Come in.” before I opened the door and step into his room. I could see him holding a book in hand, the bandages wrapped around his neck and back and there was probably more but I couldn’t see due to his shirt and the blanket around him. He turned to see me and surprise was all over his face as he shut the book without even leaving a bookmark inside. I watch Alec place the book by the bedside table before he clear his throat. “What is it?” He asked and I took slower steps to his bed before I sat on the side. “How are you doing?” I chose my words carefully and he gave me a smile. “Fine actually… It’s starting to heal and Magnus tells me the poison is getting out of my system. I suppose I will be out and ready for combat in another week or so.”

“Alec… I’m sorry for what happened.” I said and his lips form a thin line as his eyes glared at me. “It wasn’t your fault, Jace.” He says but the guilt never really left.

“No… I’m not just sorry you got hurt this time… but also because I hurt you many more times before.” At first, Alec gave me a confuse look but he start to understand what I was saying and it started sinking in.

“Did Clary say something to you? By the Angels, I’m going to k—“

“I knew for the start.” I cut his words and Alec just stared at me. His orbs burned into mine and I couldn’t tell his expression but he was probably pissed beyond believe.

“How?” He muttered out and I gave him a light chuckle.

“It wasn’t hard. You were closer than any other. You tried hard to get me to notice you. You care for me way more than a friend should and you wanted to get closer to me whenever you could.” I said and for the moment, I saw him blush furiously and though he was embarrassed, his eyes told me he was also sad as if I rejected him.

“…I’m sorry, Jace. Just act like its nothing… I don’t want to lose a friend like you.” He says and I felt a pang in my heart because I just have been downgraded from a ‘Crush’ to a ‘Friend’. Ouch. Exactly, what has Magnus been feeding Alec?

“…A friend huh?” I mummer under my breath but Alec heard me loud and clear.

“You can go with Magnus and do whatever the hell you want for all I care.” I stood from the bed and glare hard at Alec and I knew right now, he was confused as heck but so was I and with the anger boiling, I had no time to cool or calm down. “I never knew you had a taste for warlocks…” I laugh at him and he looked at me with a hurt expression. “Don’t say that! He saved my life.”

“And I ever did was ended it right? He was your ing light right? All you ever needed… Why don’t you ask him to be your parabatai?!” I knew my anger was flaring, I knew I was mad at the wrong person for the wrong reason but I didn’t care for when Alec degraded me to a friend, I felt my walls piled up again and here I was… rejected and in pain.

“Why are you acting like this, Jace? I didn’t ask you to off when you were with Clary! I didn’t ask you to have her as your parabatai when you kissed her or when you wanted to have with her!” He screams back at me with anger and venom in his voice.

“All you ever did was hide right? Clary was right… you are a coward, Alec because you couldn’t stand up for the one you love because you were afraid of rejection. You were scared that I would be disgusted if I knew and our parabatai would end like that. When have you thought so lowly of me? Or have you been doing it all along?” I hissed as the memory of the kiss with Clary came back to me. I saw Alec hiding behind a statue, peaking at us and that’s why I kissed Clary… to see his reaction. To see if he would show up and -slap her but I got nothing instead.

“Wait—you knew I was there?!”

“Why the hell would I kiss her if you weren’t? I knew Simon was awake, I knew he was coming out the door by his footsteps and I knew you were behind the statue. I knew every single little thing you try so hard to keep away from me… and you want to know why? Because I am your parabatai… -- oh, sorry! I mean I WAS!” Our arguments have gotten louder, it makes me wonder if anyone else can hear us or not.

“What were you trying to gain from kissing her in front me?” His voice soften this time but it doesn’t mean his anger was gone.

“A reaction! Because ever since you’ve seen Magnus, nothing has been the same. It’s like you were ing charmed or it was like I never meant anything to you anymore. You just said it yourself… I was a friend… just another friend, Alec.” I huffed and he took moments before he gave another respond.

“Because I knew you would never love me the same way... and I couldn’t bear to lose you, Jace. So, even if I couldn’t be with you like Clary could… I still wanted to be next to you.” Alec’s words soothe my heart and it was as if the fire had been extinguish. 

“Clary meant nothing. If it makes you feel any better, I broke up with her after everything was over. “I sigh and he paused for a moment again.

“Wait what? You broke up with her? Why?”

“Because I never wanted her from the start. I was confused because I messed with your feelings and she acted like you. You know… the stubborn and being thick-headed about the feelings. I thought she could’ve been a replacement but then I realize that I couldn’t replace you with another because you are Alec Lightwood and she’s Clary Fray and both of you aren’t the same at all… Even when you sometimes do act like a woman on her period…” I joke and Alec smile at the comment.

“I was… just afraid I’d lose you to Magnus because he was there when I wasn’t. He saved you when I couldn’t. All I did was stare and pray. You didn’t once ask to talk or see me… and Magnus has been here all the time to keep you company… It felt like you didn’t need me anymore and I was becoming nothing but a parabatai.” The feelings poured out of me like a mug with a crack at the bottom. Everything spilled but Alec seemed like he like what he was hearing because of the smile on his face.

“Jace… You know I didn’t and couldn’t look at Magnus the way I look at you.” Alec said and I felt the weight off my shoulders when he gives me one of his boyish grins. “It’s cute to see you jealous though.”

 It was my turn to flush and get embarrassed. I suppose that’s not the best word describing me but that will do for the moment because my head could hardly come out with another comeback for Alec since what he said was no lie, I had been very jealous. I stood there flabbergasted before I sat back down on the bed and give him a loud sigh.

“Look, Alec… I…I just… -- You’ve always been there for me ever since we were little and you knew me so well. I like making you smile because your eyes light up when you do and I hate seeing you in pain but… all my life, women loved my ‘cool’ image, the bad-boy style and I thought you do too so I hurt you beyond measures and when you were weaken, Magnus was there for you so I can understand if you choose him over me because really, I am not that great…. I’m just—“

“Jace Wayland.” He cuts me before I finished and I was so rudely interrupted but give the situation, I let it go easily.

“…Yes, Alec?” I look him dead in the eyes and his eyes sparkled lightly under the bright lights of his room.

“…Are you confessing your undying love for me?” The corner of his lips twitched but he refused to smile and I refused to give in to his sick game.

“No.” Stubbornly, my lips worked faster than my mind. I didn’t even filter my words, they just left my lips like that. Alec’s eyes were right at mine, pleading me for honesty instead of running and being stubborn. It felt like forever when his eyes were connected to mine, as if we didn’t need to blink but I did feel my eyes hurting after a while and I turn away from his gaze to look at the door. I never thought about confronting my feelings before I head to his room, all I wanted to do was to make sure he knew that I was his parabatai and not Magnus! I wanted his eyes to look at me, I wanted to be the reason for his smiles but now, I don’t know what to say and I’m afraid to hear that when I finally open to my feelings, it was already too late.

“I… want you more than just a friend, Alec.” I whisper out as I let my hands run through my golden locks, messing it up. I was messed up inside and pleading Alec with my voice.

“What’s stopping you?” Alec asked and I slowly turn my head to face him.

“Everything.” I muttered out and his eyes gaze at me with almost a pitiful expression.

“With all the chaos everything has done. My father—Valentine has the Mortal Cup. Clary’s mother isn’t awake. Hodge is who knows where doing who knows what. A few days ago, I was confident that I was Jace Wayland. My father died in front of my eyes when I was a child and I was entrusted to your family, the Lightwoods. I met you, we became close friends… we did everything together, you had my back and I had yours but ever since Clary has been in my life… I found out that my father is evil, my mother is stuck in a coma and the girl that I thought I love and kissed was my sister?! And now, my best friend has been spending so much time with a warlock when he should’ve been with me. Valentine suddenly appeared and told me that I’m not Jace Wayland. That I am Jonathan Christopher Morgenstern and my family is alive and I lived my whole life as a ing lie!! Everything… wasn’t real and when I see you or hear that you’re with Magnus… it’s as if… what we had was also a lie and… I can’t have that because you’re all I ever knew, Alec… You are what reminds me of me… of me as Jace Wayland. I don’t know who I am anymore, I’m messed, confused and a complete piled of nothing but you are the reason that I am here… and not anywhere else. Alec… I can’t lose you. I lost my family at first and now my identity… I don’t know who I am anymore…! But I know one thing… and that is that no matter whether I am Jace Wayland or Jonathan Christopher Morgenstern, I am your parabatai… and nothing will change that…” I didn’t realize Alec had moved closer until his arms wrapped around my body into a warm embrace. His head lean against my shoulder and I lean on his head, inhaling the scent of his sweet shampoo.

“…Jace… My feelings hasn’t changed for you. I’ve been with you since we were kids and I knew Magnus like… what? A few weeks or days? Nothing could change the bond between you and I. You of all people should know that…” His words were melody to my ears, how he said that nothing could change what we had, it was nice to hear it from him. It was nice to know that whoever I was or am going to be, Alec was here to love me for me.

“Alec, I really don’t deserve you being this nice to me after what I’ve done to you. I pretty much trampled all over your feelings and used it for my entertainment… To put it bluntly, I guess I just destroyed the love you had for me and yet, you’re still saying these things… Alec… “My voice cracked under the pressure and the feelings I have for my friend.

“… To love is to destroy and to be love is to be the one destroyed.” Alec says, quoting my quote.

“That’s what you said to me before… isn’t it, Jace?”

“I did.”

“Jace, do you love me?” Alec looks up at me and I closed my eyes before I leaned downwards to kiss his lips.

“I’ve been wanting to that for a while, I’m sure you know my answer to that question now.” I mutter before I rolled my eyes at his expression. It was a short kiss, more of a peck actually yet I could see his eyes light up like pure fireworks and his smile widen slowly. Alec saw the part of me that I didn’t knew existed and I guess that’s what I love about Alec, he made me into someone new… no--… he made me feel like… ‘me’. 

A/N: Want to know the rest? COMMENT or else I won't CONTINUE ;_;