I don't know where else I dould confine my feeling, so yeah, I write here, in ange, fury, disappointment, or whatever. I don't know, nor care, if people read it or not. Basically, I just wanna pour out my feeling.

Last night was my father's birthday party. I had prepared everything, the cake, the present. I planned to make a small dinner party with my younger brother. Only us, families, with his girlfriend and my girlfriend. I prepared the cake and he prepared the meal. Since both of us work already and cannot manage to cook by ourselves, we had a deal to have a takeout home. Simple, yet easy.

It came to a problem when yesterday, a couple of hours before the party, he told me that he was confused of what to buy. I said he could buy anything but serve it quick since the party was about to start in just couple of hours. He said he was working (my brother has a small restaurant, open at night). I was irked a bit, why couldn't he close the restaurant, just for one night,  for this special ocassion? But I tried to calm down, making him sure he HAD TO be in the party BEFORE 9. He said yes, by chat, since when I tried to call him directly, he was not available. Again, irking, but I try to calm my nerve.

Time passed by, I had been in my house with my girlfriend, waiting for him. My girlfriend had an ache in her tummy and I asked here what if I sent her home but she said she wanted to wait. I grew anxious as my brother didn't show himself, it was ten when his gf came and brought the takeout. Still, my brother hadn't showed up yet. We were waiting for another hour and when I noticed how hurtful my girlfriend's expression was, I told my dad that I would bring her home. Just then, everyone'd been aware of my feeling. We started the dinner, in hurry.

And that's the moment when my brother finally showed up.

No apologies, no telling 'I am really sorry, I am late', nothing. INstead, he was with some of his friends and helpers from his restaurant, barging in our private party without notification.

I was deeply furious at the time. But something that really cut through my chest, was when I was looking at my father who didn't seem to mind at all and instead of scowling, breaking into laughter with those strangers. I was like an outsider, in my own house, when they joked around, while they were totally aware that my girlfriend was in pain and I was a second to explode.

I finished dinner early and left the party. The cake was in the other room, untouched. I planned on throwing it away. I sent my gf home, with was such a torture for me to keep glancing at his painful expression from time to time. We bought some drug before I escorted her to her house. I was asking her to go to hospital but she refused, since she preferred to just take a rest first.

I went home, feeling terribly upset.

And when I arrived home, I was a tickling bomb.

The strangers were about  to leave, so was my brother. I didn't know where he wanted to go, none of my business. But what made me feel it wasrelated to me that when I noticed that the cake in the other room had been sliced. The candles I put on it were blown.

They had the party.

WITHOUT ME.

I didn't say anything. I washed my face, got my stuff and headed off to my room. When I passed my father, he pointed at the cake, which I coldly ignore. I went straight to my room and haven't got out of here yet, except for bathroom issues. I haven't said a word to them till now.

Call me childish, I am old already and I am still acting like a child, but it just hurts to know that someone in the house is always considered more special than the others. I feel like I am nothing good compared to my brother, while in reality I think I give more contribution toward this family. I give some of my salary, I buy the groceries, I even clean the house though I always feel tired after work. While my brother, he is as lazy as an , keeps messing things around and yet he gets this whole love from everyone.

IT.

I am having silent treatment for everyone here in my house, excluding my mother. She is the only one having the understanding of me. I am planning out of moving out soon. It's been sickening to me to stay in this mad house. I used to think that my family was great but now I see that this place is just as rotten as maggot and dysfunctional to its core. I would have left, long time ago, if I hadn't thought of my old mother who still has to be the house caretaker despite her being older. However, this time, I have had enough. I just can't stay like this forever, it just hurts me.

I wish I had never born. Probably when I am dead later, they would start noticing how they have ignored me for a long time and start regretting why they never consider my feeling.

I am not willing to commit suicide, but I wouldn't mind if death picks me up right now.