I've always been shy and quiet since I first started school. My teacher was the one who encouraged me to approach someone and go play with the other children that were gathered around the sandbox. I was 5 back then. So after 3 weeks, I finally approached some girls. "Um...can I be your friend?" I asked quietly. "Yes!" Suzy replied with a smile. Suzy then introduced me to 3 other girls. Let's call them Hani,Min and Sohee. These girls were my first friends ever. Our friendship continued on when we reached 1st grade. Nothing really changed. I only talked a little more when I hung around them. However, in class I was as quiet as ever. But I was still a good, obedient kid that was always kind to others and respected the teacher. I suppose you can say I was a teacher's pet because when it came to me, they were really nice. As if I was their favourite student or something. Probably because I caused the least trouble?

Anyway, around that time we begin doing our first in-class speeches, right? Being given a topic and doing a speech on it. Surprisingly, when I was giving out speeches (saying my speech in front of the class) that was when everyone could hear me. Everyone was listening. I'm not going to say that I was confident; I was nervous and my hands were shaking. Even so, I articulated my speech and my voice was very clear and well projected. Looking straight at the wall and at my classmates every now and then calmed my nerves a little bit. I found myself liking to do speeches and having a little passion for it. When it came to speeches, I always timed myself to get the perfect timing. Maybe it was due to the fact that I could say something and everyone could hear me? A moment where I can express my experiences and feelings? My opinions? Either way, it was an improvement. There was a boy in my class that was equally good as me and his name was Mark. I found myself admiring him. Then developing feelings for him. 

But of course at that age, we can mistake infatuation for love. The year continued on. January...February...March...April...May...June... months passed by and I finally came out of the closet and told my friends about it. Yeah. I began with "I like someone." and my friends gave me the typical "What?!Really?! Who?" and nudged me. I told them that it's Mark. All of them gave me a smile and giggled. It was lunch and we sat at our usual spot. Hani, Min and Suzy could see me watching Mark from afar and Min pinched me. "Ow!" I exclaimed. "Go tell him!" Hani whispered. The others said the same thing. Obviously I got all embarrassed and shy and said "No! I don't want to!". Being the type of friends they are, they continued to insist. You know how peer pressure feels? I was feeling extremely pressured. Finally, I stood up from the bench and with all the courage I could muster up- I declared "Fine. I'll tell him." My friends were shocked. "Really?" "You said I should!" with that, I power-walked to the oval where Mark and his friends were playing soccer.

"Um...Mark!" I called out a metre away. Mark turned around and looked at me. He noticed me! He's looking at me! my heart was pounding and I felt even more nervous than when it came to speeches. Once again, I walked up to him quickly. "I want to talk to you about something. Can we? Over there?" I pointed to a space near our class. Also it was a fair distance from his friends and mine so they wouldn't hear us. "Sure." he replied. Okay. NOW I was feeling extremely nervous. My heart was hammering against my chest and it felt like it was going to jump out. When we arrived at the space, we faced each other. "What did you want to talk about?" he asked. Okay. This is it, Rena. If he accepts then I'll be happy. If he doesn't, it's alright. I inhaled deeply yet quietly. With all my courage I looked up at him and confessed. "Um...what I wanted to say is..." I began nervously. Mark tilted his head and leaned slightly forward. "Yeah?" "W-What I wanted to say is..." I hesitated. Why is this so hard to do?! "I-I just wanted to say.. I- IlikeyouMark." at first my voice was quiet but it slowly got clearer and I confessed quickly. There was a silence between us for a few moments. Then... "Sorry, but um... I don't like you." he replied awkwardly yet so straightforward. Well this is awkward. "N-No. It's fine." I laughed nervously. My chest hurts.

After I watched him walk away and head back to his friends, I turned around and walked back to mine. "So?! What did he say?!" Suzy grabbed my arm and shook it. All four girls looked at me with excitement. "He said he doesn't feel the same." I answered in a blunt, sad voice. The rejection felt like I got slapped in the face. How foolish was I? Of course he wouldn't feel the same. We barely talked to each other. I never exchanged a conversation with him. E-VER. "Aww... it's okay." my friends hugged me. Though it was probably puppy love, now it makes me feel relieved. Mark ended up going to the same high school as me and I was left wondering why I ever liked him in the first place. That question lingered in my mind whenever I looked at him during Morning Tea, Lunch or  after school when I got the chance.