Er. This should be a drabble, but I can't think of a title and I don't want to edit it anymore and I am lazy but I do want to upload this jumble of words.

You’ve always known.

Somehow, you’ve always known, that no matter how much you love him, that no matter how much effort you put in to support him, to make him know that you’re there, you’re always there, that no matter how much time you dedicate to him, how much sleep you lose to vote for him or watch him, that no matter how much you spoke of your love for him, somehow, you’ve always known.

You’ve always known inside, around the deepest abyss in your heart, in the corner where you’ve always kept the truth and reality, the side where you never want to go, but regardless so, in time, you’ll need you, because you’ve always known, that you’re always only going to remain his fan – nothing more, nothing less.

It makes you smile because, wait, hasn’t he always?

When nothing is ever right in this world and when nobody seems to understand you anymore, isn’t he the one that’s always been there? He doesn’t know it, of course, because he isn’t there physically but he doesn’t need to be, because his voice calms your troubled heart, his movement stops your body from trembling and falling apart, and his craziness dries the tears on your eyes and brings back that smile you never thought will return. He doesn’t know it, but you wouldn’t know what to do without him.

But you’ve always known.

Somehow, you’ve always known that there’ll come a day, there’ll always come a day when you would have to do without him, when you have to live without his songs, when you have to go on each day without waiting for his broadcast and not lose the sleep you so much need, when you have to survive by yourself. It doesn’t mean you don’t love him anymore, and it doesn’t mean you don’t support him anymore, and it doesn’t mean he’s not important anymore, because he is. He always has been, and he is, and he always will be.

It just means that time passes by, and there’ll be a day when he’ll live his own life. He’ll choose to follow his own happiness and even if it hurts, because it will seem like you are not important anymore, and he isn’t going to be there for you anymore, you won’t have no choice but to let him follow the path he wants. Because he deserves to be happy. He deserves to have his own happiness.

You’re going to tell yourself with a weak smile and a few stray tears that why are you crying when you’re supposed to be happy. Why are you feeling hurt when you’ve always known?

He’s been making you happy for so long. Why can’t he have the freedom to chase after his happiness, too?

Some people let go, long ago. Some people still holds on, and it’s their choice.

Somebody asks you when the news broke that when are you going to grow up, when are you going to realize that this is all just a fantasy, and when are you going to return to reality that he is a faraway dream and you’re always, always going to be only a fan.

You don’t think that’s growing up. You don’t think growing up should mean forgetting the things, the people, and that one person who once made you happy – is still making you happy.

That person isn’t watching, because you’ve always known.

End

I know some fans are hurt because of Sungmin dating scandal. I don’t understand why it has to be referred as “scandal.” Aren’t idols allowed to date? I understand the fans (I am a fan myself), why it hurts, why it must have hurt so much. Please, don’t go around telling those fans to quit it because at some point, it will have to hurt. We need to understand that, as much as we need to understand that we should be happy for our idols because they are happy.

I don’t believe fans don’t want their idols to be happy. They want to.

It’s just that, somehow, there’s that small part inside their hearts, the one that’s always been there, that’ll ache, because it’s been there, and it’s been kept so long, and now, it’s slowly making itself as real as it is.