i wanted to let this out somewhere else but it seems like no one wants to hear me out. that's why i'm going to rant about it here. i'm sorry. and you don't need to read this.

so, it's not like i'm not thankful for my family. i really treasure them because they're my everything. but they tend to ignore me and take me for granted. sure, i shouldn't be complaining about it but i'm so jealous my parents treat my siblings differently. like, i'm someone who's invisible and always happy and all that. every single time i'm sick or don't feel well, they don't say anything. nothing at all. when my sister whines about some pain she's feeling my parents are like "aren't you feeling well? what is wrong?" right away. and this pisses me off. it's not only with my sister but my other three siblings too. i feel like i shouldn't be here because i feel so left out. i don't feel like a family member but someone who has to work for this family. and sure, i don't mind cleaning up after them but i don't get anything in return. all i want is a nod in approval and a short "thank you". that'd be enough to make me happy. but even this is too much to ask for.

and, really, i just feel like . i caught a cold a second time and all i hear is "i need to work and all you think about is yourself". i'm on the verge of crying.

sometimes, when i do wrong or others do wrong, i'm the one who gets blamed. since four years now i always get blamed for things other did wrong and i can't understand my family anymore. and the reasons are so ridiculous. there was one time, when i was in my room reading/writing/doing my homework and my sister came upstairs to say i needed to go down to eat dinner. then she missed a stair downwards again and my father screamed at me, saying, "because of you this happened. if you would have been downstairs with us she wouldn't have hurt herself." wow, thanks dad, i hate you too.

on another time, katharina (my youngest sister) fell down the stairs and i didn't even know she was near the stairs and my younger brother was with her. she bit her lip so much it bleed but anything else was okay. and then my father goes on like i pushed her.

seriously, what am i doing wrong?

then my supervisor on work was nagging on me because i didn't come to work today but, i don't feel well and i kind of passed out the moment i felt my pillow on my face. do i have to go to work when i can't even look straight nor think nor move properly? where are my human rights to stay at home when i don't fell okay at all?

sometimes i think i should just end my life here and now. even if i make it further in my life i'll never be happy. all the people around me just take me down. and even if i wanted to go and explore the world as well, i couldn't leave them just like this. max is only six months old and my parents work all the time (even though my father could take care of him but he refuses to because he's too tired and all) and i can't leave him like this. he's my brother and i raised katharina (she even called me mom" so many times) so i know what i've to do with him. i care for him. i can't leave him hanging.

/sighs

i hope when my father comes back in a few minutes i'll be able to go to sleep again because my head is killing me.