i don't know why i don't cry that much.

when eunb passed away i cried so much and when her wake was held i cried for at least two or three hours straight (and my eyes were swollen for a whole day and i had such a bad headache). i couldn't believe it. and even though i'm not a fan (but i think i start to be one) it hurts, you know what i mean?

and today, the first thing i read when i woke up was that rise passed away as well. i was SO SHOCKED. you can't imagine the big shock i had. i had no words to say. not tears were streaming down my face. i believed she'd make it and open her eyes and be alive again. but who am i to want to separate best friends?

now, that i let everything sink in and i comprehended our loss, i feel okay. i don't want to cry (though i cried a bit) and i don't feel that sad anymore. it's like knowing rise and eunb are together everything seems brighter. and that's what makes me feel like i'm actually happy she's dead now. but i'm not. i really prayed she'd make it because i begged eunb (in my prayers) that she should protect her eonnies and dongsaengs.

it feels weird now.

i don't know if i should actually cry now. it feels kind of wrong. because i believe she's up there happier then she'd be down here.

but, the worst thing is that sojung probably doesn't know about rise (though she kind of guessed what happened to eunb) and i feel so bad that everything happens when she had her birthday and all.

i still send my prayers and i hope the best for ladies' code because they're growing on me. and since almost everyone sends their prayers to families, friends, members and fans, we should keep it on and support those strong girls, shouldn't we?

and don't you also think that lavelys are really really strong fans? you deserve an award for being there when you're needed the most!

#StayStrongLadiesCode