while reading this one fic, i realized one of my greatest fears, and no, its not a thing you can see or feel, but something deeper than that i guess

its the fear of being alone, actually not being physically alone because i like that. i like being with myself. its makes me relax. but the fear of having no one. of loneliness, i guess. i've never realized it 'til now. but its been really bothering me. i sometimes won't sleep at night thinking about this.

im just afraid that at the end of everything i'll be alone. and that no one actually likes me. and that everyone is just putting up with me. and that scares me so much. idk why. i have friends but i sometimes question their sincerity. is it wrong for me to do that? and that one day they'll all leave me and i won't have anyone. 

and maybe this is the reason why i have trust issues. i feel like nothing lasts forever and that no one would actually want to be with someone like me for so long. and that sooner or later they'd get bored of me. why bother trusting people when everyone would eventually hurt you and leave you?

and this fear makes me so afraid of losing my friends. because i think they're all i've got. idk. my family has been supportive but i still feel like this. i try so hard to please everyone. is that wrong? 

i've always thought if i've been happy with my life so far. but i still don't know the answer. i guess happiness is short lived and subjective. and i guess i live by the moments of happiness. its not something i have with me constantly, i sometimes wonder if i even deserve to be happy. i actually feel like i don't deserve anything.. 

i feel like im just here, existing, i dont matter. i'm just a small insignificat piece of the world. and i'm afraid, afraid that i'd be living insignificant and alone forever. maybe thats the only thing i deserve.