hello everyone. it's been a long time since i've blogged here. it's also been a long time since i've religiously updated my stories, since i've sat myself down in front of my computer and just wrote, since i've been excited for writing, since i've re-read the words i've typed onto the screen and said to myself, "damn, that's decent."

i'm really sorry for my absence. honestly, it was a lot of school, work, competitions, tests, performances, but mostly it was feeling sorry for myself and having no idea how to continue.

it was the worst kind of writer's block--the kind where you know you could advance the plot but you just don't have the confidence to do so.

i could write, but i felt this really terrible sensation roiling in my stomach every time i opened the document and tried to type words in and try to reconnect with the characters in my story.

and then with the kris incident and the baekyeon dating scandal, i started to question the ethics of fanfiction writing and whether or not i should even continue, because this entire time i've enveloped myself into this stationary time and space where nothing's changed, while the things around me spun out of control and i completely lost sight of life.

but then i realized, you know, that doesn't really matter.

i like writing. i've woven it into a part of myself, but i'm afraid that that part of myself will become foreign. it will become something i'll always say to someone--oh yeah, my name's ____ and i guess i like to write--instead of something that's truly mine. a sort of secret desire that i harbor in my heart, a flame that burns stronger than anything else.

i'm starting to think that this entire post doesn't make sense, but it just feels really good to be word-vomitting onto the page again.

i've written, i suppose, during my absence. i've definitely written.

but somehow, over the last couple of months, i've lost a bit of that inspiration. the surge that comes to me and galvanizes me into writing and forming pretty phrases with pretty words, and all of a sudden my writing feels so empty.

i tried to write again, yesterday. i tried to start a new story.

my writing has become so plain, so lacking in emotion, and i was so frustrated i thought i was going to die.

but i suppose, this isn't a complete debacle. i suppose i've been resting on my laurels for the last couple of months (my measly laurels, haha) and well, it's time for me to hone my skills again. it's time for me to pour my heart and soul into my writing once more--to not pass of updating BFWR as a job but something that really matters to me.

Speaking of Best Friends With Royalty though, I just really wanted to thank every single one of my readers. This is my most welcomed fic, and you know, it's coming to an end.

The characters are seeking closure and their relationships are mending.

It's going to end.

And honestly, that scares me. It scares me for an utterly selfish reason--because I don't think I can write another fic that's so welcomed. I've been so happy during this journey with all of you guys whilst I wrote BFWR, and I loved reading all your comments because it made me feel like someone cared and I was just happy.

It's a bit stupid how I'm afraid to lose that, isn't it?

But I've decided, this isn't too big of a deal. I can write another story and slowly build up an audience once again. I can do this. I can.

I can.

I really hope I can.

Thank you to every person who has read my stories. Thank you so, so much. I don't think I can ever express how much you all mean to me.