My Parents Would Never Know

by Celine Zamora

 

My parents would never know

how I found out in grade 7

what anorexia was

what bulimia was

what cutting was.

 

They would never know 

how when i took a shower at night

i would suddenly stop conditioning my hair

and say out loud,

"I hate myself"

 

They would never know 

how many times i woke up early

just to grab ahold of my lunchbox

to transfer my lunch's contents 

to my sibling's containers

because recess was easy to "forget"

but lunch was easy to trace back to

 

They would never know

how embarrassed I was 

when my sisters revelaed 

my lock&lock container

that had only a single piece of meat in it,

2 inches long,

and nothing else in my entire bag

 

They would never know

how i said,

"You won't understand me"

when I really wanted to say

"Don't stop me."

 

They would never know

how one day 

when it was only me and Anne in the house

I did nothing but

2000 jump-ropes the entire day

(because i did the math and 2000 jumpropes

will remove around 800 calories 

from my body)

and during the afternoon

when i couldn't breath from all the exercise

i just laid down limply on the floor

and wondered

why i put myself through all the pain

in the first place 

(but i remembered, 

it's because i felt

the need to)

 

They would never know

how i stared at myself

in front of the mirror

and cursed my huge thighs

(a thigh gap? laughable.)

and my round face

(it matches me? please)

and my stomach

which was a good 2 inches

bigger than what i wanted it to be

 

They would never know

how i stared at myself

in front of the mirror

with a pen clasped in my hand

ready to shove it down my throat

and throw up the contents

of my lunch

(which was 100 calories more

than i wanted to eat)

 

They would never know

how it was the thought of God

that stopped me then

but it wouldn't be

the last

 

They would never know

how one night

after praying the rosary

i still felt so empty,

so lonely

i wasn't insecure..

i was just lost

 

They would never know

how i planned it all

how i planned to grab a bag 

and slip a knife in it

(the small, sharp curved one,

not the big orange one)

then go to the bathroom

and do "it"

 

They would never know

how far i actually got

how i grabbed the bag and threw in some writing materials

because i'm a writer to the bone

and i had to record my most painful moments

 

They would never know

how the only thing that stopped me

was the fact that there were still people lurking in the room

and i didn't want to take the risk

in fear that they would question my possession of a knife

that should never be held in such a threatening way

 

They would never know

how instead of cutting myself,

i wrote to my friend

then read a suicide story

and all that made me feel better,

good enough to quit my plan

even when everyone left the room

 

They would never know

how that would be my last urge 

to ever do "it"

to myself

no matter what happened next

 

Not many people would ever know

how I wasn't just

"the holy, quiet girl"

but a normal teenager

who didn't know what to do

with all the mediums of expression

and self-discovery

 

My parents wouldn't know

what i went through

when I was 13

but that's okay

because I'm glad

that they wouldn't have to experience

myself at my lowest