Hi... wow awkward! naah just kidding! 

Anyways, my frist blog post! Wooohooo

So. Why I'm suddently posting is because I just feel kinda... I can't find the right word to express my feelings but I feel almost empty. There is something just missing within me. And I have to let my thoughts out, to cleanse my head and maybe get this comprehensible for myself. My family is great, my friends are great, even my grades are great (well, they don't .. yet. So far so good). But still I feel empty. 

I am consumed by insecurities, expectations, and my view of life. Is life supposed to be just about me? Should I dedicate my days to others, perhaps my friends of those in need? Should I be greedy? Can I be greedy? What happened to the golden middle way Buddha spoke about? 

My life is at its best. But at the same time its a mess. I don not even know my likes and dislikes. How am I supposed to know what kind of person I want to be. I want to know what kind of person I want to be so badly, because I know I cannot stay the same, can I?
 

Do I like peope who take up space, who aren't afraid to speak their mind? Do I admire their charisma, or do I simply get annoyed by their cockiness? I don't know anymore. Some says these kinds of characteristics are personal, some fit some people, others doesn't. What am I supposed to do with that kind of a crappy answer? Am I one of the people that doesn't fit? I kind of know that I am not the kind of person to take up a lot of space. But what if I want to?

I have always been that short kid, the asian kid. Even if I didn't know it myselfI was younger, I think people judged me by my skincolor. At some degree, even if it wasn't on purpose. I just wasn't "like the rest". I finally know why. When i was a kid, I almost never looked in the mirror. I didn't ahve to. I had a bunch of friends, who I had had forever. My family all loved me. I was myself. then I moved. So classical really. In my teens, I found out, I'm acctually asian. People started asking, "Where are you from?". When my answer was this country where I have been born and raised, people followed up with, "No, but where are you Really from? Like.. you know, you don't look typically like the rest". maybe it wasn't these words all the time, and sometimes people was satisfied when I said my countrys name. But I know they kept thinking of it, like there is no what that short girl could be really like really born here. At least not both of her parents. AND WHY DOES WHERE MY PARENTS COME FROM  MATTER. I ahve one country where I am from, where I grew up and where I will possiby live the rest of my life in. Will my kids have to go through the same then?

But this I can deal with. People are curious, or rightout rascist sometimes. But its durable. 

What I cannot deal with is the fact that this has made me more vounerable to question myself. Who am I? what do I like? What can't I stand? I no loner know. Have I ever known? Well.. this is enough for now. I will probably keep posting about this some other time. Do I sound too depressing? I thought as I write that I sounded worse than I intended, like angrier in a way. Oh well. I don't care, but sorry (if anyone at all have read this and now regrets it) for wasting your time! 

Until next time, gather more Chestnuts! (I acctually ain't completely insane for saying that)