I'm back! After like 8 months I'm back to my love, which is AsianFanFics ahah. But god high school has been hell and I'm so done. Glad its summer but omg like one more month and we have to go back.... eww. Anyways thats beside the point of this blog. I'm gonna rant my heart out, now if you excuse me.

Flashback to 5th grade

I'm so done with everything right now. Let me just tell yah okay so back in 5th grade i used to like this kid... name was Ryan Wong, you guys won't find out because there are so many of them out there >.< but anyways so Ryan. In 5th grade I was in a 4th/5th split class and i was a foolish child. I told my 4th grade friends that i liked Ryan and they said they wouldn't tell... Wouldn't tell my they went ahead and told him. He asked me and i asked how he knew, and he said my friends.. I was so done already back then. But hey we continued like nothing was wrong and we were just normal friends. Too bad i didn't have a phone so i didn't text him T.T I still remember the thoughts of mine back then. I remember thinking, I should totally just kiss him and give him a big hug on the last day of school... I chickened out in the end I mean come on i was an ugly duck, no one wanted me..... 

Flashback to 8th grade

Anyways so beginning of eighth grade I was just so done with middle school and stuff that i was like i should go through my 5th grade yearbook. I'm pretty sure thats where i got Ryan's number from... I'm not quite sure who actually texted the other first but knowing me. It was probably me. haha but we had finally started talking again and we really clicked yah know. I was so excited! He even asked if I still liked him when we were texting and I said yeah right now maybe just a little and HE CONFESSED THAT HE USED TO LIKE ME IN 5TH GRADE TOO! ...After finding out that i liked him =.= but anyways still good still good. Then it gets to a different story.

This time we were talking and my foolishniss thought that i should just spell everything and i told him about how insecure i was with everything that I am... WHICH IS A LOT. And somewhere along those lines it seems he got the idea that i was Anorexic and that was it. that was the dead end. the wall that we hit. He stopped talking to me. I was so sad and devastated.

So the middle man, the bridge between me and Ryan since Ryan went to a different middle school after elementary school, he's Tyler okay. once again no one will know who but middle man. So in my mind i thought i could fix a lot of stuff if i poured my sincere feelings into it and i wrote a letter to Ryan. Its contents were that we had a misunderstanding, that i liked him, and that if he wanted to stay friends, he should write something back.... which btw he didn't. Tyler gave it to him after much difficulty in seeing Ryan since Ryan also moved and his reaction wasn't anything like i was expecting.

Tyler said Ryan laughed... and that just brought my world crashing around me. I played it off as if i was mad at Ryan but it was more than that I was so furious that i wasn't even mad anymore i was depressed, majorly sad, i dove myself in school and anything but the subject to avoid tears falling down my face.

I must have done this many many times before, bottling my feelings, for now I can barely cry.... its so hard, not being able to express my feelings and all the sorrow that i felt. But i was determined to forget it. And i would have if it wasn't for me still hanging on. Still friends with him on facebook.

Flashback to spring break of freshman year- this year

I was pretty sure i had forgotten about him until i saw him one day with his dad and sister, and that triggered something. I don't even know what but the moment i saw him my heart made these loud palpable beats in my ears, i could feel my heart beating faster. It felt like my heart was going out of my chest everytime it was beating like in the Tom and Jerry shows haha. But seriously I don't know what was wrong with me. It was a good thing he had his eyes constantly on his phone for he didn't see me. Being the I am, I facebook messaged him that i saw him that day and he sounded so lazy so reluctant to talk to me that it hurt. I swear he was emphasizing that he was texting a girl when we were messaging. It hurt so bad.

Present time- yesterday 07/16/2014

I hated leaving things open like relationships. They were vulnerable and i hated being weak like i was. So I set out to maybe mend and fix it but maybe i waited too long. it had been a little more than a year after all. But it was worth a try. Once again via facebook because i know he never replies to my text messages, Not sure if hes ignoreing them or he changed his number but doesn't reply. And i sent this message yesterday. I was so nervous sending it, but last impulse i said fuq it, if i don't do it I'll regret it. So i sent it. The whole day today I've been anxious to see if he saw it because it said he was on but .... nope he didn't see it. Maybe he , blocked me, maybe he ignored it, he probably didn't even give it a glance after finding out it was from me but that did it. I swear if i could, i would be bawling my eyes out right now. Which is what i had hoped to do but no. No glassy eyes. No tears. Nothing.

Excuse the long rant. I'm pretty sure none of you lovely potatoes read it but well its a memory now right? Maybe after writing it down I'll feel better and move on right?..... I sure hope so....