hello readers of POL. i'm very touched and grateful that there are so many subscribers to the story i started on a whim. most of you probably came from My EXO Library: Recommendations. a few months ago, i noticed a sudden increase of subscribers and had hopes that maybe i got recommended somewhere, so i went snooping around. i was beyong joyful when i found out i was recommended. i never thought i would make it into any list, and i'm very grateful to becky-ah who recommended POL to the owner of the recommendation fic. 

with the sudden influx of readers, my motivation was boosted and i churned out chapters for you all to enjoy. needless to say i enjoyed writing them too. but here's where my true purpose of writing this blog post comes in. i'm sure the fandom has learnt of baekhyun's dating news. as a huge fan of him, i can't say i'm 100% unaffected by this confirmation. no, i do not hate any party of the relationship, and no, i do not wish for any harm to befall on their love. but that doesn't mean i have to force myself to be okay with it because i am not. at least, not at this moment. 

i held this idol very closely to my heart. to put it simply, he comforted me and was the reason why i wanted to keep improving myself because i wanted to be a fan he could be proud of. baekhyun spurred me on to chase down a dream i've had since i started writing in 2011, and it was because of him that i gathered enough courage to start walking down that path. my "love" for baekhyun was a very personal one. and on many levels, baekhyun was someone i looked up to and treasured.

but now that i have learnt of his relationship, it's very difficult for me to continue living like i have been before. the news itself disturbed me greatly, and my thoughts that ensued tormented me even more. things have definitely changed in the way i see him and the world around me. i realised i do not want to let myself fall prey to pain inflicted by a person who doesn't even know of my existence. i decided don't want to live for anyone but myself now. 

it's very difficult for me to write fictions about baekhyun at this moment. every time i think of him, his girlfriend appears in my head too. right now, i am still recovering from this blow. i'm trying my best to get over it and move on, but i'll need some time to heal. i learnt a lesson from this. whatever pain i am feeling now is my punishment for crossing the line and immersing myself in a faux world i knew i couldn't live in. i loved him too personally, and this is reality pushing me back to my rightful place. 

i know there are some fans who are not taking this news well. i understand where your anger, feelings of betrayal, hatred and pain comes from, because i too have felt all of it, but i ask that you do not leave hateful comments on the couple's social networking accounts, especially baekhyun. it's alright if you do not feel comfortable staying his fan, but please do not hurt him. he is someone who deserves nothing but love.

my bottomline is this: i will not be able to update POL for a period of time. no, i will not be abandoning this story because i know how frustrating it can be to read a story halfway only to have the author discontinue it. all i'm asking for is some time to get my senses together and face baekhyun, along with whatever that comes with being his fan, with a renewed and matured heart.

my heart is still standing on his side, and i will continue to walk with him until the end, no matter what happens. i will do whatever is in my power to continue keeping his beautiful light shining brightly. i am merely a little lost right now.