So the last few weeks were full of headache; I really had a hard time with everything I did and everywhere I went; hence the delayed update of my fic. Having to go through all that, I really did appreciate being invited to a movie by a bunch of old friends from college hoping to clear my head off the crazy stuffs that'd been suffocating me. I pretty much looked forward to it since I hadn't seen this bunch of friends for quite sometime now.

Well, before I got anywhere, though, a call from a high school friend managed to chase all of my excitement away. I was asked to attend a funeral of one of the classmates, that's why.

Hearing the news, I started to feel numbed. All kinds of feelings bursted inside of me. Sad to hear that someone so young had to pass so early. Grief for that young person had to be one of my friends. He wasn't my closest friend, but he was indeed a good friend. And among all of the unsaid feelings was worry, of what to wear or how to behave so I wouldn't offend the family of the deceased unintentionally.

Why did I have to worry about that? Well, because never in my entire life had I ever been to a funeral, and that one was about to be the first. Impossible. Right? But truth be told, I'd never been to funeral, including those of my closest relatives.

I didn't get to attend my paternal grandpa's funeral, for my mother was having a great difficulty giving birth to my little brother and my father was torn between both sides.

I didn't even go to the said little brother's funeral because I was angry, disappointed and resentful of whatever that was that took him away. For fifteen years, I had been waiting for a sibling, who would be a friend, a companion, a hope and a responsibility to come into my sorry, lonely life, and finally he came to light up my darkness. Even though he was so sick, and I was told that it was no use, I still held on tight to one little hope that he would get better in time. But that hope was snatched away from my grasp ever so harshly that I lost my grip, and I lost him forever. So there I was locking myself up refusing to hear the official declaration that he was gone, forever.

I also didn't get to attend my maternal grandma's funeral because my parents convinced me to go to school and take my final exams now that I've said my goodbye to her dead body. Exam that is, so I went and took it. Nobody even noticed my swollen eyes, and I didn't even tell anyone about the said news. There was no need to, after all.

But there I was attending a funeral for the first time after 21 years of age. And it was a friend's funeral, to boot. The situation was indescribable because it was completely new to me.

But still that was nothing compared to how I felt after finding out the cause of his death... So life can really be so harsh, and it really doesn't always go smoothly as you wish that it pushes a person to let it all go and end it altogether.

I was speechless, regardless, cuz I know no matter how much I want to, I can't afford to selfishly put all the burden down and disappear just like that. There is just too much at stake; One wrong  move and many others will go down with me.

So at the end of the day, I learnt a few things at the funeral. There were people who cried because they truly were sad, people who cried because somebody else was crying, and people who stayed indifferent till the end. There were people who were shocked and people who locked themselves up refusing to accept the death or that they were partly at fault because of their own ego. And eventually, people blamed each other for causing the deceased to take such measure. It was unsightly and unpleasant. Nothing felt right.

Dear friend, if you had known this would happen, would you have decided to walk the same painful path twice?