Someone asked me today; "How are you?"

I'm pathetic.

I hate myself. I want so much, dream so big. But then I look at myself and remember 'I don't deserve that' so I no longer want, no longer dream. All I crave for is attention but know that I don't deserve it, so I hide behind a face of indifference and fake smiles. I find myself annoying, I'm not sure how people deal with me, I know I wouldn't. I'm constantly worried what other's think of me. When ever I go out I feel as if everyone is looking at me. If I see two people talking I immediately think they're berating me, judging me. All I want to do is please others, but how can I do that if I can't even please myself? I'm worthless. 

In this world I'm so lost. I don't know what to believe and who to trust. I cling to people without getting to attached to them. If someone gives me the slightest bit of attention I'll give them anything, only to me disregarded when someone betters comes along, I don't blame them though. From birth I haven't been wanted. My birth mother gave me up and then my adopted family could care less that I either starve myself or throw up anything I eat and use my body as a razor's scratching post. But that's okay because I don't deserve anyone's love or concern. I'm unlovable.

I look into the mirror with disgust. Nothing about me is beautiful in anyway. My body is too fat, my face to ugly.I don't think I've genuinely smiled in awhile. I'm scatterbrained. Once in awhile I make sense but more often than not, I don't. I'm repulsing. 

I knew I was once happy, but those memories are so distant. Once the baby, then expected to grow up in the blink of an eye. My childhood stolen from me. But who stole it from me? Society? My "family" and "friends?" Myself? I'm confused.

Maybe everything is in my head. Maybe I have a family that loves me. Maybe I have friends. Maybe I have beauty I can't see. But there's always that voice in the back of my head telling me otherwise, saying I don't have any of those things. And I know it's right. I'm delusional.

I want to drown the voice, make it stop. But how? A razor? Pills? A bullet to the head? I wish. I don't deserve such peace, death that it. Though I think of it constantly. Always wondering 'who would miss me?' 'what would it be like without me?' 'would anyone notice?' There's nothing more I want than to end my life. But I also I know I wouldn't be able to do it. I'm a coward.

I might be suicidal, but only to an extent.

"I'm fine," I replied with a smile.