Sooo...

I think, I have some similarities with a bunny. the question is, WHY do I think about myself=a bunny??

Well, when I brought Archie *my bunny*, a friend said that pets are the reflection of its owner. That time, I was just laughing, saying that I'm cute like a bunny etc, and my friends were making a face. One thing is I'm trying to hide that the words atcually hit my heart like an arrow.

What I'm gonna say in this blog are tha thought that I've been keeping to myself, I'm not gonna say that I'm a good person, but I never think that I'm bad either. As human, I have so many -way too many- flaws and scars. and in this note I'll tell you some of it..

So, bunny, right? A rabbit has a scared-nature. it scared of creatures that are bigger than him, scared of new environment. In my case, I'm very scared of human. Uhm, I know I'm a human myself, but I just can't forget the fact that human are the most scariest creature in some ways, scarier than ghost. I'm very cautious when I met new people. I WAS a naive girl, trusting people easily, but in the end they're just using me for their own good and I left behind. That's why it'll take a long time for me to be friend with someone. even if we already befriended, it'll take some more time for me to learn trusting that person. Complicated much, huh? I know it is, but I can't help it. The bad thing about me, when I trust someone, I'll blindly believe in everything he/she said, believe that they'll never lie, BUT once I know they're lying to me, I'll NEVER EVER trust them again. Even if we can still be friend, I just can't treat them the same way like before.

Someone said that bunies can die if they're lonely, that's why you need to keep your bunny accompany 'cause they got lonely so easily. No, guys.. I won't die easily. Yep, I easily got lonely, but I love being alone. Confusing, huh? It's just that I just need to know that wherever I am, there's someone who cares about me deep from his/her heart. Still, because I'm afraid of being alone, it build some kind of paranoid in me. That sometimes I feel that I'm being left out.

When my father's gone, my mom had a hard time because she was pregnant *my lil sister* and I was just a kindergartener. Fortunately, my grandma was there to help my mom since my aunty *my mom's big sis* never help, she's just a selfish human, I learned. But, when I was 6 or 7 my grandma died because of her sickness and my mom can't handlled me and my sis. So in the end, I was sent to a dorm outside the city, spending my elementary years there, without my mom most of the time. I thought that my mom hated me back then, but now I know, she just can't help it. But still, that memory made the lone me.

Guys, I was bullied in my high school days. No, not physically, but mentally. They talked bad about me, no one befriend with me, I was left alone, left out, and isolated. I once didn't trust people, I couldn't. Because whenever they came to me, they're just using me for their own benefits. I'm not being arrogant, but I got a great grade in my high school, so whenever they came to me, they're just asking me to give them answers for the test or copying my homework. Since I'm kinda fair, I always refused it, and it was the starter of everything. If they're asking me to teach them, I'd gladly help them. but, they're asking me to help them cheat. Eversince they started isolating me, I never trusted them anymore, turning me into an ignorant girl that whoever came near me, I didn't really care about them. why would I care if in the end they're just using me? 

The one that helped me was my (fake) big brothers. not FAKE in bad ways, it's just they treated me like their lil sister eventhough in fact, I'm not, and they care so much about me. If it's no them, I don't know what I'm gonna be today. Because of them, I learned once again about trusting people, that some people can be trusted..

And then, when I entered uni, I met her, one of my besties. Because of some things, we've became close and inseparable. As the time passed, I met another two girls and we're like a clique now. We're not in a good term right now, mostly because of me. I hate myself for this, but I also hate them for some reasons. So, what happened? So, once I felt left behind, I feel like I can't no longer hold back my inner self from not being angry. Usually, I'll just go, take some time alone to cool down that I won't carelessly. I'm childish and emotional, guys, I admit it. I'll cry when I'm sad, angry, happy, etc. Sometimes I feel like a cry-baby. The problem that made our term bad is they made me felt left behind and untrusted. When one of them was sick, I'd be very worried, I even skipped my class if they asked me to go to the doctor with them.

That day, I was in my class and one of them who supposed to be in the same class couldn't come because of some things, but she didn't tell me right away, she asked my other friend to text me and it was twenty minutes after the class started. I felt like, is it hard to tell me that she has something to do directly? and also, as soon as possible? I was waiting like fool and when the classmates asked me about where she was, I couldn't answer them while they know that the four of us USUALLY inseparable. It was just after class, I was hungry like hell 'cause I hadn't eat from the morning, and I text another one who was free, asking if we can eat together because one didn't come to class, while the other one SUPPOSEDLY in the other class, different class, in the same time. We have this silent agreement about waiting for the others and we'll go home together, so I THOUGHT I'd go eating, then went back to puck up the one who's still in her class. But then.. ONCE AGAIN I was waiting and waiting like a FOOL. I send a text massage to my free friend (??), but she didn't reply, so I called her. And there she was, saying that she's together with the one who supposedly in the other class, asked he to accompany her going to a doctor and they're about to go to a petshop to buy her *the free one* pet's food. So, she was sick and didn't tell me, moreover SHE *the free one* is the one that have been with me from the start. we've been friend longer than with the other two. Yet, she's keeping it from me? And... Wth, if you're sick, why would you still bother yourself to go to a pet shop? You should rest..

And I was crying that day. I'm a cry-baby, I know, you don't have to say it again.. When she said she didn't want to make me worry, okay I accept that. Then, she said she didn't want me to skip my class, I was like WHUD?!!! So, is it okay for the other two to skip the class? aaahhh... I dunno. I dunno anymore. I know I can act like this *ignoring all of them*, I know that what I'm doing now could make them more sick than they are now *especially HER*,but I can't help myself. It's just I need some times to be alone. I'm even considering about going to AMAZON *the jungle* and have a meditation there, but then I realized I don't have any money and I don't know if I could survive there.. If I could, maybe I'd turn into a woman version of Tarzan..

haaaaahhh, I'm sorry that in the it's not a bout a bunny anymore.. So, I guess, I'll end this. I'm sorry for disturbing you, make you spend your time to read this.. I just need to TALK to someone, but I don't know who, so I wrote it..

bye~ have a nice day~