Story Title: You've Got Stardust in your Eyes

Author:  kwon-oumi 

Story Type: chaptered

Status: on-going

Main Characters: Choi SeungHyun, Kwon Ji-Yong, Kwon Dami

Genre: Romance, Slight Comedy, slight angst

Description: Choi SeungHyun came back from the US after 16 long years, to get married to Kwon Dami, the girl he's been engaged to since they were kids. Well that's what he was up to, but life is full of surprises.

 

Story Title: 3.5/5

The title is catchy and it can surely grab a reader's attention but I kinda had a hard time associating it with the story. The story is about an arrange marriage and how twisted life can get right? just correct me if I'm wrong.

Foreword/Description: 7/10

Let's start in the description area, the description about the story is short but straight to the point,but you could at least add more to it to spice things up, and then there's this part:

❂ Original:

After 16 years, Choi Seung Hyun came back from America willing to get married to Kwon Dami, the girl he has been engaged to since they were kids... Well, that's what he was up to, but life is full of surprises... 

❂ suggested alteration:

After 16 years, Choi Seung Hyun came back from America, willing to get married to Kwon Dami; the girl that he had been engaged to since they were kids.. Well that's what he planned, but life is still full of surprises.

You forgot to add a comma after America, and a semi-colon should follow after Dami's name. Please always bear in mind to separate two different thoughts with either a comma or a period to emphasize a full stop in a sentence. You see 'came back from America' & 'willing to get married' are both different thoughts. And semi-colon is used to connect a certain thought about a subject and an adverb or adjective that would describe the subject. Then the word has should be replaced by had, you started the description by using a past tense, so kindly stick with the tenses.

For the foreword:

I noticed that you placed the the characters and their personailties in this part. It's fine actually, but just based on my understanding you could have placed a teaser or a short part of the story just to make the readers be aware of what's in store for them in the fic.

Plot: 8.5/10

I'll simply put it this way, I like the plot. But a deduction was necessary due to the shifting of tenses, shifting of P.O.V's please stick to one or two P.O.V's in a chapter;It became confusing to me when I read the last updated chapter.Then you should put spaces after each conversation piece, the punctuation marks used.

❂ Original: [Ch.5]

"Okay! Let's see what do you have to say!"
"Well.. You know I've been raised in the USA, so it's quite normal to kiss the one you like.. I mean.. the one you're going to get married to-" I cut him.
"It's not decided yet if we're going get married or not! 30 seconds left!" 

❂ suggested alteration:

"Okay! Let me hear what you have to say."

"Well..you know I've been raised in America; so it's normal to kiss the one you like,..I mean, the one that you're going to marry-"

"It's not yet decided......, 30 seconds left."

[Question: was she shouting?]

 

Characterization:9/10

You have portrayed the characters well, especially on how you created Dami. But there were times that made me look at the foreword again and read your description about the characters.

Grammatical structures and vocabulary:13/20

I've seen many grammatical errors, and the way that you delivered each line. So I just placed some corrections here; I could put all of it here but it would cause me to make a super long review. If you want to see the other corrections just contact me via PM.

[Ch.1]

❂ Original:

It was a Friday night. I came back home late after a long hectic day, actually, a long week that felt like a decade. All I was thinking about is: how much sleep I will get. Oh God! I missed my bed. I missed my couch. I missed something called "taking a rest".

❂ suggested alteration:

It was Friday night when I came home late from a long hectic day, actually, a long week that felt like a decade. All I thought about is: How much sleep I could get. Oh God! I missed my bed, my couch and something called "Rest".

❂ Original:

I entered and locked my apartment’s door. And what I have seen in front of me made all my resting plans collapse in front of my eyes.  It's Dami, my sister, sitting on the couch biting her nails. "Err! You're here!? I knew I will regret giving you my apartment’s keys.” I said in an annoyed tone, she gave me her usual scary look but she didn’t react. I sat next to her on the couch and asked her this time with a worried tone "What happened this time?"

❂ suggested alteration:

As I entered and locked the door to my apartment, all my resting plans collapsed in right front of my eyes. Dami; my sister, was sitting on the couch while biting her nails.

"You're here?! I knew I would regret giving you a duplicate of my apartment keys." I said in an annoyed tone as she gave me her usual scary look.

"What happened this time?" I worriedly asked as I sat beside her.

❂ Original:

"You won't imagine what happened. I—I'm—I’m deep in now! Do you remember my dad's childhood friend?" I nodded. "Do you by any chance remember his son? The one they kept pairing me with." I nodded again horrified of what might come next. "He came back from America, and the problem is: HE'S SAYING THAT WE ARE MEANT TO BE ENGAGED SINCE WE WERE YOUNGSTERS. Mom confirmed it, as if it isn't enough, there is a problem that is even more frightening." My eyes widened at the thought of what is coming next. "Guess what? He told us that he came all the way back from America to Korea because of me. So we ought to get married soon and go to America with him and live there" she said in a cracked voice, with tears threatening to fall from her eyes.

❂ suggested alteration:

"You won't imagine what happened. I-I'm-I'm in deep now. Do you remember dad's childhood friend?" 

I answered with a nod and made her continue.

"Do you by any chance remeber his son?, the one that they kept on pairing up with me?"

I gave her another nod. Well, seeing her act like this made me worry about what kind of trouble she had entered.

"He came back from America, and the main problem is; He kept on saying that we are engaged ever since we were kids. Mom confirmed it. And-" Her voice suddenly cracked as she looked at me with tears threatening to fall from her eyes. "He told our parents that he'came all the way from America to Korea because of me, and we are ought to get married soon and migrate to America." 

 

☢Reminder/s:

Please avoid repeatition of the same word in one sentence.
Stick to the tense that you used. [which is in the past tense]
Put spaces after every conversation piece to avoid confusion.
Avoid putting three Point of views in one chapter.
 

Writing Skills:10/15

Well even if you had some gramatical errors, I can still say that you did a pretty good work.

Character Development and flow of the story:10/10

The characters were well developed in the story and everything seemed to be in the right place. 

Personal enjoyment:8/10

I enjoyed your story, but as I have said before the lack of spacing and the over use of punctuation marks confused me. 

Reviewer's feedback:7/10

I'm giving you a 7 because of the errors that I have seen in the chapters, but I know that you can still improve and those errors can be corrected right? I'm not a perfect writer but I'm just giving you tips, it's up to you if you'll follow it.  If you want to see the other corrections just contact me via PM and if you need any help, I'm still here. Keep up the good work.I'll still be lurking around and wait for your updates. ^^

Total:76/100