So..today is the day I get to watch SHINee. And I know..I seem pretty bummed. It's not that. I mean I'm so excited. I REALLY REALLY AM. I couldn't contain myself through the week knowing I got the honor of watching SHINee perform live. But you know..lately life has been a . Before my birthday alot of happened. I broke my glasses..I almost got crashed by a car, I lost my PE clothes. I was given plenty of lectures in school for doing absolutely nothing wrong. My mom caught my brother yet again, smoking behind her back. I wasn't able to purchase any tickets and all that good stuff. It hurt me since these events occured a few days before my birthday, but I held myself together. Because I had hoped for a wonderful birthday. 

I had a beautiful day. And I was surprised (Usually good things don't happen on my birthdays). It went out so wonderful. My friend surprised me with sold out tickets to SHINee's concert. I was happier than I could ever be. I was honored. For the first time in my life, since I was 8 years old and SHINee debuted, I could finally see the ones who saved me from losing my life on that stage. I could finally experience the efforts they give on stage. I was too happy that day. I had recieved plentyful presents. Expensive things that I still treasure, but then life hit me. I had known the day had gone on too good. My brother, and my mother got into an argument again. My sister was angered at me for some reason, even I didn't know why. You'd think it was a normal argument between a child and a mother but because of that argument, I didn't see my brother for at least 2 days straight. 

I never knew if he came home or not. If he was okay. If my mom was okay. It was heart breaking to know they would fight on my birthday...So inevitably..I cried that night. I don't know for how long..but when I woke up there were still tears. It's over dramatic to write that but it's true. What point is there to lie to you all? No benefits would have been earned doing that. The next day was okay. I was stressed out being given stacks of work from my teachers. I was depressed to have to come home to yet another day of my mother's anger about my brothers disappearance. She was obviously mad. She refused to talk more than one word to us. Days have gone by..nothing good has happened. I find out that I'm apparently distancing myself from friends. I discover childhood friends who are now cutting out of depression..overdosing themselves, and even trying to commit suicide. I think to myself, "Why? Even after my birthday, couldn't april be my happy month?" Selfish of me to wish for something outrageous like that. As if life could ever be kind. 

I know what you're thinking..what does this have to do with the concert? Well since it's the concert I wanted it to at least be the best day of my life. I want to be in the front row, or somewhere close enough so I know I'm not dreaming. It's selfish of me to have to want more. I'm in section 16. The farthest section. And I was fine before, considering how my friends were going to sit right beside me. But somehow they managed to switch their tickets to section 9, one of the closest. I was hurt. I tried my all to get my own, but I couldn't. Once they found out I was going to be alone they insisted I traded with one of them since it is a birthday celebration for me. I refused. How could I take that away from them? To think I even considered taking one of their offers... I couldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. So I said, "You better get good videos and have fun okay? I'm serious. It's okay. I'll be alright without you guys, just make sure you enjoy it or I'll cut you." They were playful/cheerful words, but even I knew deep down I was disappointed. I was heart broken. It's selfish because there are people who would die to go. There are people who would appreciate just being there, breathing the same air as them. Being in the same place as them. And here I am..complaining that it's not good enough.

It's selfish of me to actually yearn for more. Just because it was my birthday I expected more. I wanted more. It's so hard. Commiting these deeds even when you want to be the one to have these deeds done to you. I was hoping somewhere out there, someone would just be kind enough to give me an extra ticket. Telling me, "You deserve these tickets. You've had it hard on you. It's time you experience a day of pure happiness at least once on your birthday." But I knew that was just plain selfishness yet again. Why can't I appreciate something like this? Why is it that I want more? It hurts. Because I know the answers. I can't appreciate it because it's not enough. I want more..because being far away would just be like always. It would be the same as before, where they are out of my reach. Where they won't even have a single thought of a fan who sits far back. Where they won't learn to know my existence. Selfish. So selfish of me. Hopefully..today goes better than expected...hopefully. I find out If I'm even allowed to go or not. Hopefully..well..honestly..is there anything left for me to hope for?

Sorry for the rant. I honestly couldn't hold this in any longer...