Of course it's the month of April when things finally start happening.

 

School, Basketball, Drama Performance- MY FRIENDS FINALLY NOTICING ME.

Things are suffocating.

 

And although the performance is at the end of the month my teacher just had to say:

"It isn't as far as it seems."

 

Thank you, dear teacher you had to just point that out.

 

April is No Fool's Month.

 

I feel like I can't screw anything up, especially a project we will be starting in class.

And my drama teacher took a liking to my poetry and told me to read it- when I already have a scene with my friend and doing the introduction with another friend.

People told me I should be overjoyed, but to be honest I am terrified.

I have slight stage fright if it's my first time doing something...

(Doing sad improv with my friend infront of everyone made me cry- being terrified and a sad scene looks good when you cry, but on the inside it felt like 'it will ruin everything if I screw up' )

 

The reason I took Drama was to take over this fear, but now I feel like I'll break down in front of everyone and ruin our show...

How am I supposed to say my lines when I am crying?

I'm just so scared...

 

My teacher saying that'll get more homework than other students like my mom asked, does not help.

Nor does getting told I have basketball practice on the 8 and then my first game on the 10.

Or the fact that'll get more spotlight than I was anticipating.

 

I'm not exactly as depressed as I was in Febuary.. (I was contemplating on taking my own life- because something really bad happened and I didn't feel like pretending to be happy for the rest of my life)

 

And I feel like maybe this time I really will go off tracks of happiness and maybe will do the horrible deed I have never tried before.

 

My friends don't know any of this at all and I do not want to burden them with my problems.

To some I may be in shoes they would love to be in- but to me I am in one of my most stressful moments this year.

 

So many high expectations that I don't know I'll fufill...

 

The last thing I want to do is let someone down.

 

I didn't earn my teacher's respects by lying to their faces or being a 'kiss-up'!

I did it because I always went through with a job and never stopped. When I wouldn't finish in time- I would look in their eyes and admit it. And each time I would get surprised since I would be mentally preparing myself for a brutal tongue lashing.

 

You can call me a drama queen, or lash out at me, but I will always try not to look hurt.

Everyday my friends who never opened their eyes to K-Pop or Anime would just call me names for not liking the things they like.

Am I really not regular girl since I don't know all of the Magcon Boy's names. Or name all of the 1D members from the top of my head?

 

Then I am sorry for not being a 'regular girl'.

Most of them seem to like about me is the flat screen T.V in my basement and all the Minecraft we played.

 

Only a handful of my friends know about how far this 'phase' has gotten. I love them, but they don't seem to accept that this is who I am and I won't change.

 

This is now just a mish mash of life and depressing feelings, but writing this whole post made me cry...

And I am feeling a little bit better...

Bye for now..

^-^

-Jommy

(sorry if this was sort of depressing, I just needed to let it out somewhere- ignore it if you want)