Well... Hi there AFF. I just wanted to tell these things, even if I had to talk to a wall. Since we're all anon in here anyway, I guess I'll do it. And I understand if you don't read this because it's boring or anything. This is highly personal, after all, and you don't know me.

So... Here goes. 

I am fourteen years, four months, and twelve days old. I am 154 cm tall, and weigh around 46-47 kg. If you want to know what I look like, check my profile page. I was born and am being raised in Jakarta, Indonesia.

Being a rather normal teenage girl, I have been having... my own issues. Puberty hit about three years ago. And ever since, I have been struggling with myself.

I don't know if this is just me... but I have conversations with myself. I have debate classes. Often, I catch myself arguing with a voice, or even two voices in my head. When I am arguing for something, voices counter with better arguments and logic. It is frustrating. 

I think of myself as having relatively low self-esteem. All my life, I sought approval from others. Applause. Acceptance. Praise. Envy. 
I love having attention. Knowing I am better than the other. Smarter.

"The person who seeks all their applause from outside has their happiness in another's keeping."
-Claudius Claudianus

I know. So I cannot be happy truly on my own regardless of the circumstances. I exult in the praises of those I milk attention from and myself. I am quite vain.

I rely heavily on my intelligence to impress. There are times when my mom is frustrated. Many times. Perhaps she doesn't realize it, but many times one of her "favorite" phrases hits where I can hurt the most: "use your brain," "please think." (Spoken in sarcastic tones, of course). In those times, I feel incredibly put down. I feel stupid. Especially because I do some things without realization. Like why I didn't slip on my sandals when I was going downstairs even though they were right in front of my room door. And when she asks me to put more thought into my habits, she makes me feel incredibly stupid. She may not mean to, but does nonetheless.

And when my intelligence is not recognized, in my eyes, my worth before that person drops. I act according to how high a person's regard for me is, not merely how highly I esteem them.

Thus, I do not see any reason to impress my parents anymore. I mean, they know almost everything about me. Simply put, it is not worth the effort to impress them anymore. In the process, I end up giving my best to others and what's left to my family.

This leads to many conflicts. It's utterly frustrating. In the end, I find myself wondering about myself. Who am I anyway? What AM I doing with my life?

I was once asked to imagine I had all the time and money I wanted in the world, and to picture what I would do. The image that flashed in my mind was that I would continue trying to impress others. Yes, I am insecure. But some dreams change. This is not a dream I am proud of, and I hope it changes to something more noble. Shame on me otherwise.

If I have rebuilt myself into a calculating machine, my function is to impress, not to please. In the process, I wonder if I have lost my true self. I hope I'm still in there somewhere.

Thank you for bearing with this post until the end. I just had to let it out. 

To any fellow youths who are struggling as well... hang in there. You're not the only one questioning my sanity. 

At one point I wished I has DID, to protect myself. I am many-faced and fickle. I use these to my advantage, adapting for different audiences in my life. Among all my masks, I have lost my true self. I hope I'll find myself again one day.

Peace be to you all. 

Blessings,
Josephine