What happened after.
They say angst can be a feeling.
How?
Is it the bitter taste in his mouth, the pang of loss in his stomach, or the emptiness of the cavity in his chest?
Or is it all?
Kyungsoo slowly types the word ‘angst’ into the google search bar, and immediately he is treated with a variety of meanings.
Wikipedia says that angst is: " fear or anxiety (anguish is its Latinate equivalent, and anxious, anxiety are of similar origin).”
Fear? Maybe. Anxiety? Not so much.
Anguish.
Such an apt word. Like a gush of remorse, flooding through gates he cannot close. Like a downpour of rain, swirling through the canal, brown and dirty and sick, filling up his insides with like thick, slushy, half-melted ice.
The image of the dead body flashes briefly in his mind. Lying spread-eagled on the ground, eyes chocolate brown and glazed and still open for Kyungsoo to see that there was clearly no more life in them. Hands pale and clammy, so much unlike the warm life that used to pulse through his veins when he was alive.
Even his name was painful to say. Kai. Jongin. Kai.
Kyungsoo puts his head down on his desk, forehead chafing painfully against the keyboard, but Kyungsoo is oblivious to the pain, to much engrossed in the internal struggle between his emotions and rationality.
A single droplet forms, but he brushes it away, angry at himself for feeling, angry at himself for caring too much.
Stupid Kai. Who asked him to go into that place unarmed anyway. That stupid bastard, he never knew what advice to take.
And stupid Sehun. Making him go all alone.
Another droplet forms. Kyungsoo catches it as it falls downwards, and it lands miraculously on his pale palm, clear, translucent, shining. And then another falls, followed by it’s sibling. They’re hot and angry and rolling down his cheeks, tracing wet trails on his grimy face.
And then he realises, that it’ll be Sehun watching them examine Kai during his autopsy, it’ll also be Sehun watching as they burn his body. Sehun, Sehun, Sehun. That idiot.
Kyungsoo wants to go, but as he cries, he realises that he won’t have the guts to be there. He never had the guts to go with Kai and confront Kris’ gang anyway.
“Coward,”Kyungsoo whispers, bitterly to himself. Maybe, wishing that he was somewhere else instead.
Comments