Hey guys. So this is my second post on blog. Im not good in writting but im trying my best to..

As u know, im a huge fan of zhang yixing or his stage name Lay from EXO. But i just realized that im getting too attached with him. I cried when everytime i tweet abt him. I also, have torns of quotes that i wrote for him. Not to forget, letters. Maybe i sounded like a sasaeng but i swear to GOd, i never meet him and i wish i could see him in reality before i die. And i think, i just make him like one of my strength to keep moving on. It's weird that im not into guys around me at the campus or class. I dont why but im choosing Lay all the time. I know that i never be he's but its not that im not trying to not get into him so much. 

Guess, i fall in love with the person i cant have.

My friends used to said that if God wills me & him, then we will be but guys, i dont think i deserve to have him. I meet alots of his beautiful stans out there. Even more beautiful than me. Im kinda sad & frust with myself. Why? Why cant i be like one of them? I wish i was born to be pretty girls like them. If i stand in the crowd , Lay will noticed me. But guess what? It will never be.

Somehow, i've been thinking to leave this fandom & live as a normal girl. Forgetting abt this fangirling thinggy & make Lay as my history.. I dont know guys. I feel so insecure that sometimes i do selfharm. Its pathetic, i know that.. but thts the only way to show to myself how hate am i to my damn self..

Somehow, i think, im the ugliest fan of him. I should not stan him but guess, i made a mistake that will never can be corrected.. sigh.