Story link; 《◇》

 

Title. 3/5

There are many stories out there with the same title as yours. That might cause less readers to be interested to read your story when they see it. Anyway, I gave you 3 marks for having a title that actually relates to the story and suits the angsty theme. It's pretty obvious from the title that a character, most probably the main protagonist will die.

 

 

Appearance. 2/5

Your poster and background is beautiful and I love how the pictures are placed just like EXO's logo, but it doesn't suit the story. The poster and background gives out a calm, slightly happy and fluffy-ish vibe from what I see from the pictures of the girls in the poster instead of a sad and angsty vibe. The appearance of the story contrasted with the story. Green and yellow is usually used to represent brightness, calmness and serenity, and not sadness. Sadness should be represented with the colors gray or black, or perhaps dark blue. Your images give the wrong idea to the future readers and this might cause them to lost interest in your story. And that is not good. Therefore, I've deducted 3 marks on that.

 

 

Foreword/Description. 6/10

The foreword and description were quite well written and presentable. The grammar and spelling was excellent and it's impossible for a reader to not get entranced to your story, but I don't get the meaning of "act big". Did you mean acting as though they're better than everyone else? Making the foreword as a prologue is good too. It didn't give out too much, nor did it give out too less. But in my opinion, the trailer showed off too much where Kris read the letter and rushed to meet her. Although you stated that Kris may not appear like how he is in the story in real life, which I found true as Kris would be so busy he couldn't read all his fans' letters, I still found that part of the trailer unrealistic. Nevertheless, the foreword was amazing.

 

 

Plot/Storyline. 15/20

I wouldn't say the plot is very original, as I've read many stories that have their main protagonist suffer of a terminal illness. But the use of spinocerebellar ataxia is definitely rare. I also liked it how the story was pretty relatable and realistic in a way. I know you've stated that the idols may or may not be like what they are in this story in real life, but I really found some parts very unrealistic, for example, the part how Kris read her one letter out of a million, or probably even more than a million and cares for her so much that he took the effort to find her and get to her. That part of the story is pretty cliche as there are quite a few stories out there with the same thing happening in them. In reality, Kris couldn't or wouldn't manage to read all the fans' letters as it will take him weeks or months to do so. Even with his free time, I'm sure he'd rather take a break and rest than reading the letters. It would also be impossible for him to sneak out as there would be many fans stalking him. I also noticed how you used the word 'breathe' a lot too. I understand that Yuri is asking Saehee to just breathe. But you repeated it many times and it became rather boring to read as there were too many repetitions of the word breathe. The plot is actually quite enjoyable to read eventhough there weren't many twists and turns in the story.

 

 

Character Development. 17/30

Although Yuri is relatable by being a caring sister who is always by Saehee's side till the end, there wasn't enough emotion on Yuri after Saehee's death. Kris too, didn't really stand out in his actions eventhough he's an idol. There should also be more elaboration's on Saehee's illness and her suffering. The story kind of lacked important actions especially from those characters I stated above. I've deducted 13 marks because of that as character development is very important in a story. Yuri's character also lacked uniqueness and there should be more interactions between Kris and her. Saehee is basically a typical dying patient besides her stutters and breathing difficulty. I think you should've elaborated more on Saehee's illness. It would also be better if you explained more about Yuri and Saehee's family background. Where is their family? Why aren't their frieneds there to visit them? Other than that, you wrote out the feelings out so well and it makes me actually wonder whether you experienced something similar to this before or not as I was so touched. I found Kris to be a brave character as there might be fans out there who faked having a terminal illness and is dying just to see him. He also dared to go to the hospital when so much misunderstandings would happen because of that from the media's point of view. I also liked it how Luhan was there to support him to go to the hospital, otherwise Kris could've backed out and regretted it.

 

 

Use of Language/Mechanics. 18/20

Well, nobody is perfect in grammar, but I don't know what to say about this. This is one of the rare times that I can't find any errors in your use of language at all. I was searchkng for any errors in your story, rereading your story over 5 times but there were absolutely no errors at all. It's either my eyesight has gotten worse or you really have flawless grammar. I'm sure you done proof-reading for several times since this is for a contest. Your choice of words isn't dull and boring too, it was rather advanced. The only thing I didn't like was the repetition of the word breathe. I felt it was too much. Other than that, everything was good.

 

 

Flow. 9/10

Everything was paced equally, not too fast yet not too slow. I loved it how you neatly ended the story with Saehee's death and how it was unrushed at all, as if it was for me, her death would be quite messy and rushed. However, I don't think the part where you elaborated about what Yuri saw across the street necessary. It would be rather hard for her to see everything so far away that clearly. I love how you used those notes in the story. Your story is really organized well and judging from the way you explained the main moral, I'm sure you absolutely understood the meaning of a simple yet meaningful word; breathe.

 

 

Reader's View/Enjoyment.

Although I love the way you used those notes as it was creative, it hurt my eyes to read those pink notes. And the red lines under certain words really ticked me off. You could've gotten those red lines removed by adding the word into the dictionary. Other than that, this story really struck me. My first interpretation of this story is Yuri was dying and Kris wasn't there for her until her final breath, but I was wrong. It was kind of predictable that Saehee was going to die from reading the foreword and that this story was slightly cliche, but it doesn't really matter, cliche or not. The way you wrote it was beautiful. I also loved how there is a message behind this story instead of those typical love stories out there.

 

 

Additional Comments.

So sorry that I took such a long time to post this review OTL OTL I hope it wasn't too disappointing. Last Breath was absolutely beautifully written and I regret nothing reading it. ♡♡

 

Total score; 70/100