This post is made purely for my release. You may read and comment or just click the back button, do whatever you feel...I had feeling bottled up and I didn't even know about it. However, I do appreciate comments/advice seeing as I think I'm gonna need some help figuring this out.

What is my problem? There has to be something wrong with me to let him go...

So for those of you reading, I'm sure you are confused. Hell, I am too. I just went through a whole bunch of mindery...

Back in high school, there was this guy that was an academic year younger than me (my hoobae). We started talking and we hit it off really well. Everyone though we were gonna go out...that was until I found out a rumor that he physically abuses girls. I was so scared I made up a lie that I had a boyfriend and stopped talking to him completely and avoided crossing paths with him.

PAUSE! See?! Now that was your first up! Why didn't you just TALK to him like you were doing... 

Yeah well I was young and scared and I watched too many Lifetime Movies. Gosh...PLAY! 

Anywho, we didn't talk to each other for a long time (almost 2 years) and we barely made eye contact. He had finally moved on and got himself a new girlfriend. I knew that because I was walking down the hallways after school one day and saw them kissing at the lockers. So ing AWKWARD! I finally got the urge to talk to him my SENIOR YEAR.

Senior year?! Your balls finally dropped senior year? 

Yeah well...-

No. Stop that's just another excuse waiting to come out of that stupid head of yours. Stop talking and let her continue.

But you- 

Let her continue!!

When I talked to him it was at the Homecoming football game. I remember because he tease me about our outfits for band/bandfront. All I said to him was "Hi, D" Yeah we'll call him D. Anywhos D was really surprised when I actually came over and talked to him. We ended up talking alone for a bit and I apologized for everything. I was stupid and I was scared. I didn't have the chance to tell him why.

Then that was it. See didn't see each other again until last summer at the local carnival. Everyone from high school was there. He showed up with a bunch of his friends looking so cute, just like how I remembered him before. His beautiful smile with those pouty lips...adorakable glasses...those eyes that looked at me and made me feel like the most beautiful girl around...then that silly smirk he would have when he caught me staring >:/ Not that I minded. I missed it. I missed it all. I missed him. We began talking and catching up on each other, like nothing ever happened. Anywho my guy friend, X, that was with me (who likes me mind you) is friends with D and they started talking. Somehow they got on the topic about me and started arguing about who is going to take me and who I like better. X started pulling my arm towards him like I was a damn tug-of-war rope while D grabbed my waist and gently pulled me towards him protectively. I leaned against him, relishing the moment I had while I had it. I realized I still liked him. I never did stop.

Fast Forward to a couple nights ago, I had a dream and D was in it. Only we were together and I was leaning in to kiss him, only for him to pull away teasingly. I remember looking at him indifferently as if I wasn't really trying to kiss him anyway, then looked away pouting. He pulled me towards him and kissed me gently. When he pulled away, I tried to keep the biggest smile from forming on my face by biting my bottom lip. He leaned in again and kissed me again and again. Each kiss become more passionate than the one before and then we slow down and lean our foreheads against each other with lazy smiles on our faces. And then I wake up. I was super mind ed after that dream because not only was it supremely random, it was also very vivid and so realistic. I could literally feel his lips and the warmth of his mouth on mine and his breath hitting my lips. I felt our foreheads touching!

This all leads me to wonder, can one possibly dreaming the same dream as another person? Is there anyway that D could feel that too?

Fast forward to 30 minutes before I started writing this post, I was on Facebook and a friend of mine posted this beautiful picture of herself as her profile pic. Turns out the pic was from Oct. 2010 and guess who commented on the picture?

If you guessed D, you're absolutely correct. *Here's a virtual hug \\(^____^)//*

I clicked his name to see his profile (surprisingly we're not friends) and looked at a few of his pictures. Memories flooded back into my head and my stomach started turning and my heartbeat got faster. Tears welled in my eyes but never dared to spill.

. Could I possibly be in love with him? I still know everything about him. He's going to school somewhere nearby, a town that I'm considering going to school. I'm afraid if I do, there's that possibility that I might see him and I just might glomp him and confess to him all of these feeling that have been bottled up. But for what? How could he possibly still feel the same way about me still? I mean I'm sure to this day he hasn't forgotten the name of the fake boyfriend that I went out with...but there's no way that he could possibly still have anything for me, could he?

If you made it all the way down here without clicking away from the page, thank you for actually taking the time and reading this craziness. I actually feel a bit better after writing my thoughts out. It's not exactly helping my poor tum tum that's still turning (.____.,) Aigoooo~ This is too much. I can say that have never felt this way about anyone since my 1st love in middle school (another story for another day). Not even for the guy I was talking to last quarter at school (which makes me feel like I was only happy that someone actually like me) I also never felt this way about my ex who claims he still wants to spend the rest of his life with me and wants another chance. Is this a good thing that I feel this way?