So last year was, well to put it simply, a ty year for me. Don't get me wrong, my glass wasn't completely half-empty but it was hard not to see it that way most of the time. With the new year and all that jazz I had hoped that maybe I could y'know turn a new page, try and move on from the past...well that's pretty hard to do when it comes back, staring you in the face every day. With all the issues and problems I had last year, my depression worsened and came with two new buddies; anxiety and panic attacks. For those of you that don't know most of the time those go hand in hand. Now I've always been a pretty conservative and shy person but after all the crap that's been going on I just don't even want to deal with trying to have friends anymore. Don't get me wrong. The few GOOD and TRUE friends I still have are lifesavers and I love them dearly but I'm tired of always being afraid that one day they'll wake up and hate me. I hate feeling like I can't talk to anyone because I'm worried that I complain too much, that they will think badly of me because the problems I see as big aren't such a big deal to them, that all I ever do is talk about my problems when they're dealing with crap of their own, and that I'm always trying to make it seem like my problems are bigger and worse than theirs. I have a few people in my life who are like that (trying to make their problems seem bigger and worse than mine, etc.) and I absolutely hate it. I don't want to be that way...but I find myself acting like the exact kind of person I hate. 

Let's not even get started on Facebook. That website is like a big flashing billboard, shoving the exact problems that cause me so much anxiety and heartache in my face. Some days I just wake up, take my shower and then sit down and cry. I hate how weak I've gotten and how much I'm having to depend on the company of others to find some sort of happiness. I hate being that person that intentionally looks stuff up on tumblr and thinks 'hey that person has a life just like me.' I'm like a drug addict. I try and cut the people, things, and actions from my life that tear me apart and break me down but that doesn't last long before I find myself apologizing for something I didn't do wrong and going right back to my old habits. In the past year I have come to hate what I've become so much yet I'm so depressed that I can't find the strength to change how I am. People tell me all the time 'you have to be willing to change.' 'you have to work at it' 'it doesn't happen overnight' 'stay strong' 'stop trying to act like your life is so horrible.' No my life isn't absolutely horrible. I'm blessed beyond words and I have some of the most amazing people in my life despite the crappy ones. It's hard to stay strong when I've sunken to such a low point that I have to literally fight some days just to get up and go about a normal day. I know healing doesn't happen overnight but breaking me seemed only to take that long. I am working at it...why do you think I try so desperately to do something different; hang out with the right kind of people? And I am willing to change. I am so willing to change that I'm torturing myself with thoughts of how I'm never going to be good enough for someone's concern and love if I don't change who I am. 

It's come to the point where I don't know where else to turn. Sometimes my thoughts are so scary that I end up having a panic attack over them. My desire to write, watch tv, even jam out to my favorite songs has disappeared. I hate being alone...and feeling alone in a crowded room. I hate who I am...and who I've become when I tried to be different. I used to be able to smile and let everything just roll off my back...but I'm finding it hard to be positive about anything anymore...and as I'm sure you've already guessed...

I HATE THAT I'VE BECOME LIKE THIS!