I found out that I will have to have surgery before Christmas ...THIS YEAR~! So not only do I NOT get anything but I can't move around, play with my two hyper-active nieces, or do my job taking care of my sister who isn't suppose to do heavy lifting or a lot of work. Then I have to deal with the fact that my mom is now so stressed out from work and injures(happed at work!) so she is going to have to take a family personal leave so she can take care of me! And get this THEY COULD CHOOSE NOT PAY OR they can. But I truly hate being injured to where I'm causing my family trouble~! I feel like instead of helping them like I really want to I've just becoming more of a problem then a solution for them. It ... I feel like my heart is being torn, stomped on, beaten, and any other painful tortures (you can think of) since I found out I'm not the healthy one. That I am now useless to them! And then I don't ever think I'm going to have that boyfriend who will love me for me and marry me and start a family with me. I always see my self alone watching my sisters and their families. It's like I'm looking through a spyglass but at the same time reaching for something that will NEVER be in my reach. I have so much self pities and doubts that it makes me hate my self so much. I sometimes wonder if this is where all my anger really comes form. It's probably also one of the reason why I can't ever really let my self trust others. I'm so full of uncertain that I find myself thinking of many ways to kill my self and I realize if I kill myself I would just cause my family EVEN MORE problems then solve anything. But I know I'm depressed but I also know I'll never commit suicide so I guess that's a good thing out of all my ty problems. This started out as me telling anyone who would read this that I am going to be having surgery soon to a total ranting and gut spilling of ALMOST everything that has been on my mind since I was ... haha ... since I was 9 years old the year I met the man who would be come my step-dad~! Isn't that just ing sweet as ~!!! I TRULY MOST PASSIONATELY HATE MY LIFE~!!!!!!!

PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME TO GET HELP! IT WOULD BE USELESS SINCE I DON'T LIKE THERAPIST! I HAD TO GO TO ONE WHEN I WAS YOUNGER! AGAIN AROUND THE AGE OF 9 YEARS OLD!!!! DID I MENTION I HATE MY LIFE? WELL I DO! (THE ONLY TIME I'LL PROBABLY EVER SAY THOSE WORD AND THEY ARE TO BIND ME TO THE MAN I LOVE)