I hate relationships and guys. Why is this so hard? :(

 

I've had a crush on my friend on and off for 3 years so far. He is a huge flirt and almost most of the girls I know had a crush on him (or a short fling??? Not sure. Don't quote me  on that). Anyways, he dated 2 of my friends-- 1 freshman year, the other summer of 2013. 

 

Sophmore he started chasing after me, but I wasn't ready to take him seriously. That mentality that he was just a player stuck in my head so I said no. I didn't want to get hurt. And then you know, since I rejected him, he started going after a friend of mine. So then he started to go back and forth between this friend and me.

 

In the fall of 2013, he started coming after me again. I accepted going to homecoming dance with him and everything was nice. But I didn't have enough time to sort out my feelings— if I truly liked him or not. He did everything a girl could ever wish for. He even gave me a huge cake for my birthday which was so freaking delicious and amazing. But then he got impatient and wanted to confess to me. Me being the stupid selfish and immature idiot I am, I avoided seeing him sometimes or I was just too busy to deal with it.

 

he finally got fed up and told me straight up in text messaging though. And note, this is a month before finals and heck, I didn't want to jeopardize my grades if I was going head over heels and being a love sick girl the whole entire time instead of studying. So, I made a quick decision and rejected him.

 

1. I didn't want to date him cuz it was just disgusting every time I thought of him and his exs//my friends kissing and being together. It just makes me feel uncomfortable

 

2. Because both of the exs got their hearts broken by him

 

3. 1 ex--my friend-- kept on pushing us together. I didn't like the pressure coming from her cuz it felt like.. She wanted to get some kind of revenge or whatever. I have no clue. It felt like that.

 

4. Ex #2 thought that we were having some kind of "thing" over summer, so I didn't want her to think that there was something going when there really wasn't. I mean it's kind of mean and rude to start dating someone's ex so quickly right?

 

now this is where all the drama happens because after doing a reflection during Xmas break, I realized that I REALLLLYY liked him. A LOT. and so now I'm getting jealous of him going after my friends and being cozy like he always is. I'm fantasizing if we were a couple and going out on dates. I'm wallowing in despair and listening to sad songs that FOR SOME REASON applies to what the guy feels like. Example: George Michael's Last Xmas song and Infinite's Can U Smile. 

 

And I'm confused on his feelings now too. We were finally talking and erasing the awkwardness between each other. And during that time it also felt like he was ranting to me, like feeling bitter about how he didn't like homecoming.... Or maybe I just don't know what I'm talking about

 

Like we went out to eat sushi, but I ate a little so that it wouldn't have to be so much. And he told me that later he ate a whole ton at home cuz he was starving. And then he was saying that I was a GECKO. A GECKO during the dance cuz my eyes never stayed focused on him. But you know, I didn't want him to like pull a move on me! I was scared and nervous and like bleh!

 

 

 

well I don't know..... Gah. I don't know what to do with my life. 

 

And here I should be studying instead of thinking all about this. Jeez what a loser I am D:<