He is someone who i can’t imagine living without, even though i’ve managed to my whole life. For me, just watching him, watching the way his beautiful lips curl up at the simplest of moments, the way his breathtakingly wide eyes widen even more in surprise, the way his gorgeous round face lights up when someone praises him, it all reminds me of how i’m so lucky to have just known about his existence. He makes me feel like a proud mother who sees all of her son’s accomplishes. But sometimes he makes me feel like i’m small and weak and i think about how well he could take care of me. He is playful and childish but he is also mature and strong and serious. So many contrasting qualities in one person may seem unlikely to imagine but they exist in him.

His voice is something i can never forget even if i tried. Just like his entire being, it too is unique and makes him who he is. It’s something i don’t have to see in order to recognize or hear enough of to be satisfied. It’s something that seems so small and fragile, but has the ability to make every head turn when it has power. In his voice i hear his accomplishments, his hard work, his nervousness, and his confidence. It stays in my head, becomes engraved in my memory and i replay it over and over like a broken record. i listen to him with different feelings and intentions than before and i’m able to notice things that i never did each time. His voice has a soothing effect. It is something that seems to have no intentions of being noticed but it is. i notice it and i appreciate it. i’m thankful for it. He has such a small and calm voice, but it’s too beautiful to be disregarded. He may not be so proud but i am and i treasure it. It may not be as strong and powerful or have a wide range of notes, but it’s perfect and it makes me more proud of him than i can ever be of myself.

But he is not so proud. That is his only flaw. The disappointment i see on his face or even hear in his voice when he makes a mistake breaks something in me. i can only imagine what he must think to himself when he does it. “i’m useless”, “i can never be good enough” or “i’m slowing everyone down” are what fills my head when i see him cover his face in shame. It makes me want to reach out to him, to comfort him and tell him that he’ll be okay and he should try again. i feel relieved when the other members do it instead, but as i continue to watch him, something tells me that his feelings are not completely resolved, that he still feels uneasy despite the words of love and encouragement from the others. That makes me feel uneasy in return. i wish i could breathe confidence into him. i wish i could make him see what i see, how perfect he is, how amazing he is. But that is something he can only do for himself. i know he can, so i’ll continue to wait.

He is kind. He’s so kind and caring that i look up to him like a child does to her mother at times. His relationships with the other members is simply mesmerizing. He seems to have a different relationship with every single one and that makes me happy. i get to see the different sides of him, watching his composure slip away as he enjoys himself. i never knew someone could have so many contrasting qualities and it seems like he has mood swings sometimes. He seems to be the one taking care of everyone else, but what i see is them taking care of him instead. Whether it’s buying him things, giving him sweet words of encouragement or simply holding him, those small gestures show me how much they care about him. The way he looks when the others surround him, the look of being loved and cared for, makes me feel elated and thankful that he knows what i know.

i’ll never love him as much as the other members do, but i know that i could never love anyone else the same way that i love him. My feelings for him are as unique as he is. They were shaped in the most unique way and they seem to be reserved only for him. i seem like just another lovesick fan but there’s no other way for me to describe it when i don’t even understand it. i never thought i would come to love him so much but i do. i never had any intention of making him such an important person to me but i did and i’ve never been so happy to. i’m just another life he changed, another fan who vows to support him until the very end, another girl who claims to love him unconditionally. But there will never be another him, another boy who will become my pride and joy, another man who will make me feel the same about anyone else. There will never be another Do Kyungsoo.

happy birthday.

-ay