I'm back, but not better. I'm still a walking travesty and I haven't changed. I ing hate the mental hospital. They act like they care, but they don't. I highly doubt they understand me at all, but it's okay because no one does. I can't sleep. Every negative thought is rushing to my head and I don't know what to do. I want to cut again but my parents will easily find out every little that I do and it frustrates me. I'm also under a lot of pressure for the fact that the spelling bee is in a couple days and my parents expect me to win it. But why me? 

Why am I still alive? Why am I too cowardly to kill myself? I do I write suicide noted but not use them? I'm such a piece of . I don't know what to do with myself, but dying sounds pleasant to me.

you know how in the mental institution the nurse always has to be with you to know you're not doing anything to hurt yourself? Of course you don't. At least today was pancake day, and my parents luckily forgot to give me my sleeping pills because I often have insomnia. 

I got used to no skinship because the rules of the mental institutions are no food in your room, you can only use the phone for ten minutes, no towels in the rooms, and no physical contact with the other patients. Hugs make me uncomfortable, changing in the locker rooms is too public for me... Why the am I even alive? I don't want to be here anymore. I want to scream while jumping off a bridge, I don't ing want to be alive. I want to be murdered, killed by myself, I really really don't want to be here anymore and there's nothing anyone can do to change that.

Dr. Krupp, my psychiatris always asks me the usual routine of questions; “do you feel like hurting yourself?” , “how are you sleeping?”, “how is your mood?” (I can't say bad, depressed, etc.). She also prescribes me Ambien, which is stronger than the sleep medicine.

I don't see how people see life as beautiful. It's a living nightmare to me. I wish my existence had ended. I can't say it enough times; I don't want to be here

i ought to be dead sooner or later. But for now, I'm horrendously cutting.

-Jazlyn Claire