I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I TRULY DESERVE TO LIVE (MY LIFE)

I JUST WANT YOU ALL TO SHARE MY STORY... MY LIFE... I JUST WANT TO TAKE EVERYTHING OUT FROM MY CHEST... I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF I TRULY TO DESERVE TO LIVE... I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT I DO HAVE A PURPOSE IN LIFE.. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY MY MOTHER KEEPS ON THINKING AND SAYING THAT I DON'T GIVE A SHIY´T ABOUT ANYTHING. .. THAT I'M COLD AND HEARTLESS THAT I'M AN ATTENTION ... I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY..

 

 

 

 

WHEN I WAS STILL A BABY... MY MOTHER LEFT ME AND WENT TO ANOTHER COUNTRY... SHE LEFT ME IN THE CARE OF MY GRANDPARENTS. .. SHE DIDN'T LEFT ME WITH MY DAD BECAUSE... THEY SAID THAT HE DIDN'T CARE ABOUT ME AT ALL... THAT HE WOULD RATHER DIE THAN TAKE CARE OF ME... HE DIDN'T WANT ANY RESPONSIBILITIES THEN... HE COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT HAVING A DAUGHTER. SO I GREW UP WITH MY GRANDPARENTS AND TREATED THEM AS MY PARENTS... I WASN'T AWARE ABOUT MY REAL MOM AND DAD'S EXISTANCE. .. I JUST THOUGHT OF MY GRANDPARENTS AS MY REAL PARENTS. AFTER 7 YEARS MY MOM FINALLY CAME HOME... SHE CAME HOME AND WANTED TO TAKE ME AWAY FROM MY GRANDPARENTS. . WHOM I GREW ATTACHED WITH... I EVEN CALL MY GRANDMA AS MOMMY...

 

 

 

 

SO SHE TOOK ME AND DECIDED TO LIVE A NEW LIFE WITH ME AND MY DAD...SINCE MY DAD.. WAS SOMEONE WHO HATES RESPOSIBILITIES.. HE WOULD ALWAYS HURT MY MOM AND LIVE AS A BACHELOR. .. THEY WOULD ALWAYS ARGUE... THEY WOULD FIGHT EVERY SINGLE DAY.. BUT.. MY MOM WOULD JUST LET HIM BE. THEN. .. I GUESS.. MY MOM GOT FED UP BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY AGAIN... SHE TOLD MY AUNT WHO WAS IN ANOTHER COUNTRY THAT TIME THAT... MY MOM WANTED FOR HER TO TAKE HER... SO SHE DID... IT WAS SUMMER BACK THEN... THERE WAS JUST AROUND 20 DAYS BEFORE MY MOM'S DEPARTURE... WE WENT TO MY GRANDPARENT'S HOUSE TO SPEND THE SUMMER THERE. .. SO WE DID... ONE DAY... IN THE MORNING EVERYBODY WAS BUSY WITH THEIR CHORES.. AND THERE WAS I SIMPLY BORED... I GUESS I WAS AROUND 9 THAT TIME. .. ANYWAY... I WENT TO A NEAR BY SHOP TO BUY SOMETHING. .. IT WAS JUST RIGHT A CROSS US... SINCE OUR HOUSE WAS JUST BESIDE THE MAIN ROAD... SO I WENT... NOBODY WAS AWARE OF ME LEAVING BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL BUSY. .. I CROSSED BY MY OWN.. WENT I WAS ABOUT TO GO BACK... I DIDN'T NOTICED THE MOTOR COMING.. BY THE TIME I KNEW IT... THE MOTOR HAD HIT ME... I WASN'T IN PAIN AT ALL... ALL I COULD SEE WAS THE LIGHT PIERCING THROUGH MY EYES.. ALL I COULD FEEL WAS THE COLDNESS SLOWLY CREEPING INTO MY BODY... I COULDN'T MOVE... I COULDN'T SPEAK... I WANTED TO SCREAM BUT... I WAS NUMB... I WAS BLINDED BY THE LIGHT... I WASN'T SURE IF IT WAS REALLY OR IF I WAS JUST DREAMING... THEN I HEARD A FAMILIAR VOICE... I REMEMBER ME SLOWLY REACHING FOR THE LIGHT WHEN I HEARD MY GRANDMA THERE VOICE... AND THAT WHEN I DECIDED NOT TO FOLLOW THE LIGHT... I DIDN'T WANT TO DIE YET... I STILL WANT TO BE WITH HER... BY THE TIME I'VE OPENED MY EYES... I WAS IMMEDIATELY GREETED BY MY GRANDMOTHER'S FACE... SOBBING HARD... AND THAT'S WHEN IT HIT ME... I JUST GOT HIT BY A MOTOR... I WANTED TO HOLD HER... TO HUG HER BUT... I WASN'T ABLE TO BECAUSE. .. I HAD SO MUCH PAIN... THEY TOOK ME IN A HOSPITAL IMMEDIATELY... THE DOCTORS TOLD MY FAMILY THAT I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO LIVE... I WAS KEPT IN THE HOSPITAL FOR 2 MONTHS.... MY MOTHER HAD ALREADY GONE TO MY AUNT WHO WAS IN SWEDEN... MY DAD... TOOK ME IN... HE WANTED TO TAKE CARE OF ME... HE DIDN'T WANT ME TO BE WITH MY GRANDPARENTS BECAUSE HE HATES THEM...

 

 

 

LIVING WITH MY DAD.. WASN'T EASY... SINCE I WAS STILL HURT.. COULDN'T WALK AND AND COULDN'T MOVE AT THAT TIME. HE WOULD ALWAYS YELL AT ME AND HURT ME..ONE DAY WHEN MY MOM CALLED... SHE SPECIALLY TOLD ME THAT IT WASN'T WORKING ANYMORE. .. HER AND MY DAD... SHE WANTED DIVORCE... WHEN MY DAD ASKED HER WHY SHE TOLD HIM THAT SHE WAS ALREADY PREGNANT WITH ANOTHER MAN'S BABY... I WAS SOBBING REALLY HARD WHEN I LEARNED ABOUT THEM SEPERATING. .. THOUGH.. I WASN'T REALLY SURE WHY... I WASN'T REALLY AFECTED OF THEM SEPERATING... I WASN'T EVEN SAD... BUT I JUST CRIED... AFTER THAT DAY... MY DAD WOULD ALWAYS COME HOME LATE...DRUNK.. HE WOULD YELL AT ME EVERY DAY.. HE WOULD HURT ME AND WOULD ALWAYS COME HOME WITH DIFFERENT GIRLS... MY GRANDPARENTS COULDN'T DO ANYTHING BECAUSE I WAS IN HIS CARE... AND WHEN I WOULD WANT TO COME WITH THEM HE WOULD ALWAYS TELL ME THAT HE WOULD KILL THEM... SO I DIDN'T CALLED NOR TALKED TO THEM.. ONE DAY THEY CAME HOME TO US... THEY TOLD ME THAT I SHOULD FOLLOW THEM. . THAT I DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE AS I DID... MY FATHER WAS THERE AT THAT TIME. .. MY GRANDMOTHER TOLD ME THAT IF I WILL NOT COME WITH THEM... THEY WOULD NEVER COME AND SEEM ME AGAIN... I DIDN'T WANT THEM TO... SO I FINALLY GATHERED ALL MY COURAGE AND TOLD THEM THAT I WANT TO COME WITH THEM..THAT I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITH MY FATHER ANYMORE... I TOLD THEM ABOUT HIM HURTING ME AND ALL THE BAD THINGS HE DID TO ME... THEY TOOK ME AND LEFT MY DAD... ALONE. .. A YEAR AFTER... MY MOM TOOK ME IN SWEDEN... I'M LIVING WITH MY HALF SISTER AND MY STEPFATHER... THE THING IS... EVEN THOUGH SHE TOOK ME... I STILL COULDN'T FEEL HER BEING MY MOTHER.. I CAN'T.. BECAUSE SHE WOULD JUST GIVE HER ATTENTION TO MY HALF SISTER AND WOULD ALWAYS BLAME ME ABOUT EVERYTHING.. WE WOULD ALWAYS FIGHT BECAUSE... SHE ALWAYS TELL ME THAT I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING. .. THAT ALL I CARE AND THINK ABOUT IS MYSELF. .. RIGHT NOW. .. I'M JUST ALL FED UP OF EVERYTHING. .. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I DIDN'T DIE... I THOUGHT THINGS WOULD GET BETTER BUT... I GUESSED I WAS WRONG.. I'M ALL ALONE.... AND NOW SINCE MY LITTLE SISTER CAME.. NO ONE WOULD SPARE THEIR ATTENTION TO ME... THEY WOULD JUST LOOK AT HER AND PRAISE HER... ALTHOUGH. .. I'M DOING MY BEST IN EVERYTHING I DO... THEY WOULD ALL JUST LOOK AT HER... AND NOW SINCE SHE CAME... MY GRANDPARENT WOULD JUST LOOK AT HER... AND THAT SHE HAVE EVERYTHING.. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED... ALL THE ATTENTION I WAS SEEKING FOR MY WHOLE LIFE... SHE HAD IT JUST LIKE THAT..I GUESS... THAT'S THE REASON WHY I BECAME COLD... THE REASON WHY I FORCED MYSELF TO BE THIS HARD... BECAUSE ALL I WANT IS LOVE. .. BECAUSE I'M TIRED OF BEING ALONE. .. TIRED OF BEING IGNORED... FED UP OF EVERYTHING... THIS IS MY LIFE...

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agnesjogen123 #1
dongsaeng after i read about your story in your life i felt how sad and alone you are now.. there is some things thati can relate your story ifeel you of being alone and need attention and love but one hting i can advice you is just to be wait the time and may your patience it take long even though your both parents are separate and have own family you still to thank them .. you no mother its hard and not easy please wait and it worth to wait.... take care and if you want someone to thank dont hesitate to mentin me on twitter @itsmeAGJO90 i love you there GOd above loves you..
Kitteeey21 #2
After reading your story I was so impress that how could a young girl suffer that much? Your a very strong person .. One day they would realize everything and when that day comes you deserve everything ... I always thought that life would be always hard but not this hard I really salute you for being this kind of person even though you became cold I know somewhere deep in your heart you still have the kind of love an unexplainable love .. Your grandparents raise you well ... Stay positive never let their words bring you down, the burdens their in your heart never be afraid to tell the world about it .. If you always feel lonely never think that no one loves you because God will always be their for you .. When you feel like your down or sad never be afraid to lean on Gods shoulder nor be afraid to tell him everything because even though you can't see him he will always be in our side in our hearts to tell us that we will never be alone in this world and he will always find ways to make us happy :)
Aban17 #3
oh, i didnt know that you've suffered in that kind of life in such a young age. coz i've always imagine you as bubbly person. dont ever think that you are alone in this world, you have many friends here in aff if you want to release anything burden in your heart just do it here. there's always a reason why we're living now. and im sure one of this days those who are surrounding will appreciate how special you are with them. so authornim dont ever think of dying, you just have to be positive. fighting!! hengsho ^^
darkangel189 #4
I know how you feel..sometime you feel the world is against you and no one want your existence...Listen girl...everyone has their share of stories in life..some are meant to be kept deep in our heart waiting it to burst... you need to be grateful for the life you are given..appreciate it...don't even think about giving it up..you should appreciate of all around you...I'm sure everything happen for a reason...don't regret it...just live it even it killing you inside..I bet your mum has a reason or a story she just can't share give her a chance...I live a hard life myself losing my dad when I was 18 cause of cancer...it was hard my mum give full attention to our younger sister. .I say it's unfair sometimes but when I look at it my sister received fatherly love only till she is 9..she miss out a lot of thing where me and my other sibling had with our father. I even have a step mother too I will still hate her for a reason that I will only know..my dad has 2 wife my mum is the 1st one..I loathed the 2nd wife cause all the bad things she did to my mum..after my dad died being a single mother is pretty tough life for her..but I'm trying my best to help her through proving that I can succed in life through my studies..what I'm saying is just hang on..even its hard for you..you need to understand everyone has problem that couldn't be share...don't push yourself away from it instead pull it to get closer and understand and learn from it...if you are down...find someone to talk to your friends..bff..or maybe try to get close to your sister. .it won't hurt try:) just don't ever give up..
OhItsYing #5
Wow you've lived such a hard life :3
And you aren't very old I think.
Your mum, she is trying, should give her credit for that :3 maybe you should try talk to her, ask her why she thinks like that of your attitude. And I kinda had that issue with my bb sister too, everyone praising her more and stuff. Oh well I got used to it. I also made more friends and mingled with them more than family sometimes, bc I kinda found more comfort in them >,<
Just do whatever that gives you warmth I guess. Good stuff.
And if you really can't stand it, grow up faster and leave home ASAP.
Good luck for your future !
Ofc you deserve life. It's not your fault that your life is like this so far.
But you can change it, it's not your fault if you're born like that but it's your fault if you die like that too.
kikigimbapp #6
Heyy :) Just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. Personally, I don't think you ever will be alone because you have us hehehehhe :) We're here to listen and to support you throughout whatever is going on even if we can't be there you can always talk to us :) I feel sorry for you though :) I wish you the best and don't worry.. we'll always be here for you :)
xxOneLovexx #7
First of all, you need to get the ridiculous idea of death out of your head... Never talk or even think about it.

Instead of looking at how your life was, think about your future life... Try to be more positive about what's hidden for you in the coming seconds, hours, days, weeks, months and years.

Don't forget to be happy and try not to think of negative stuff :*******************

XOXO
peaceout13 #8
Oh gosh,I tear just fell off my eyes...I FEEL SO SORRY FOR YOU!!! They have hurt you many times...I wish I can hug you right now...All,I wish is for a better future for you...May the God praise you with all his luck...
mommyEyia #9
wow! you've been through a lot.. may I ask how old are you? anyways I hope and pray for the day to come that your life will go a 360 turn.. what I mean is you deserve to live happy life..not the life that you have now.. upon reading your story.. you deserve so much better so always hope for a greater tomorrow.. problems come and go.. but right now I want you to be on a pit stop.. just relax be happy live life to the fullest.. God loves you so much.. rely on Him trust Him.. He won't fail you.. can I give you a hug? (>^,^)> Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.........
always smile and be happy!!!
mye007 #10
,life right???
I hope i could just hug you,. (it helps believe me,)
Believe it or not, i have also a up life,. My dad hates me as well to the point that every single chance he has to hurt me emotionally like saying he wants to kill me and the like,. I grew tired and numb as time goes by,. So i understand why you ended up not caring about anythinv at all since its like it doesn't matter anymore,.
sandaragon #11
It's ok god will not going 2 give a challenges dat u cannot do. I know wat u feel becoz I was like u before no one care about me I have 2 sibling and I'm the second my grandparent love my older sister and my parents love my younger brother even now they don't really see me as good as them. I really know wat u feel so please don't give up and always remember every living things in the world deserve 2 live becoz god decide it(^-^)
corea18 #12
God Bless you
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