It's just frustrating, everything is frustrating. We go way back but look at what we have become. It was just so tempting and that's how i surrendered myself, thinking that once he knew, everything would be okay. Life just had to be cruel, no i stand corrected, human beings are just cruel. Blaming every single thing on anything without even thinking what others would feel. That's right, he is my friend and my brother or at least he was. I'm not sure what to think of him since we hardly communicate. He said it himself, i am just another human being in this world that he knows, and a nosy one at that too. He acts all tough outside but actually inside he's all mush. His puny little pride kept him from acting at how a normal lovestrucked pig would act. However i knew all along, that everything was just a facade and i tried breaking the walls without cracking him since he's so fragile. Though i ended up cracking my own walls that have been protecting my heart and i ended up liking him. I regretted it so much to the point that i hated him and denied the fact. Alas, i finally got trough him and he'd talk to me about his problems and it irritated me. I was so close to him yet i couldn't touch him. I was afraid that if i did he would break, or perhaps i was afraid i would end up breaking myself. Without knowing it, he aready had a new girlfriend and i was just standing there and would watch them laugh. I should be happy right? But i was selfish and i hated her, and i hated myself. I was so pitiful and tried to look for my own place too. There was a big hole in my heart and no one could fill it up. A year has passed and i finally moved on and found myself a new love, but since i was greedy, it wasn't enough and i craved for more. Our relationship was breaking apart and i had no choice but to break it off. Everything was back to square one. He and his lover broke up and it was summer. We were forced to spend the whole summer together since we joined the same camp. I did not love him however, to be quite franked i was annoyed by his presence. I thought to myself, perhaps it was an act of pity since he looked lonely and i forced myself into thinking that i should be his pillar once he finally breaks. Little did i know that i was the one breaking instead. He probably suffered much more than i did so i tried myself to support him as much as i could. Two months has passed and i heard that he and his old lover got together and i was surprised that i was devastated. I was secretly wishing that they would break it off and again i hated myself for that. One day he talked to me saying that their relationship is in jeopardy i was a bit glad but i kept it to myself. I couldn't think like that because i marked him as my enemy but slowly he turned into my friend again but it was probably another one-sided decision. I pretended i was mad at him for being pathetic. How could a small thing sway him but ignore a bigger picture. I thought he was stronger and that's how i came to admire him. Just like they said, never judge a book by it's cover. Perhaps i have been judging him and imagined an image of him that never existed and that's how i came to fall apart. Right now? They're both okay, they're living their lives happily. Me? Of course i'm hurt. Another big scar appeared on my heart. I wanted to be someone to him but it seems i never had any space to occupy. Right now i'm indulging myself on things i never imagined i'd be doing. It's funny how i always call him idiot. Turns out i'm a bigger idiot myself.