The fact that the score for my math test is permanent? I'm really upset. It counts for college. The worst part about it is that my teachers didn't even teach more than half the things that were on that test.

 

The spelling bee is on January 14. I'm so nervous. The words are really complicated and theres 175. They might tell me to spell words that are right out of the Webster's Dictionary, so some aren't even on the list. Its really stressful. My sister qualified too, so now my parents aren't as excited about me achieving my goal, instead all the love and compassion went to my sister as soon as they found out. Once again, I am put off. Will I ever give them something to be proud of? Will they ever be proud of me? I guess not. As soon as they found out, I was left speechless. I ran to my room and cried. I relapsed today.

My suicidal thoughts are still with me. For dinner, we ate McDonalds, and now I feel really bloated and fat and I feel like a loser. My mom keeps on shoving magazing in my face telling me to lose weight. I know she's not trying to be super rude, but... I don't know. I feel like the world is against me. Everything do, achieve, or try ends up detrimental for me. I'm such a loser. I really don't want to be part of this world, and I don't think the world wants me to be here either. So yes, I am planning to act on these thoughts. Maybe sometime in February, because thats when my best and only friend's birthday was, and I want to go with her.