Third Review [ IGNORE]
Third Review: Happy Birthday! by kimchi_mochi || Reviewed by: banabestfriend26
Title: 3/5
Too simple. The important thing to remember about titles, it has to attract readers. Something to make them curious about the content of
your story. "Happy Birthday!" is quite laid down and it fits more as a chapter title than a story title itself.
Description/Foreword: 4/5
The description was plain. There's no mystery or anything worth being curious about, maybe put something to drag the readers to read it.
I'm also not good at these but how about some: "What would happen if...." or " How would this day turn out?" you know, classics are the best.
Story Plot/Originality: 8/10
It was cliche. Birthday celebration added with a sweet boyfriend shows up in almost every fluff/romance fanfic, I do wish you could've put
some plot twist the ending part is cute though and like the mentioned genre; fluffy.
Flow: 9/10
The flow was little 'bumpy', this is a one shot and simply adding some sentences or merely press the enter button twice will do.
Example:
“Yup! You forgot your own birthday? You’re such a silly girl. Go get ready; we’re going to celebrate it!” He ruffles my hair before heading
out of my room. I’m still lost. I grab my phone and indeed today’s date is my actually my birthday. I chuckle at my forgetfulness and walk into
the bathroom to clean myself.
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Checking my reflection on the mirror for the last time, I smile in satisfaction and go to the kitchen where Woohyun is. I greet him and
settle myself against the counter and notice that he just prepared breakfast. “Woooo!~ You made me seaweed soup?! Woaaahhhh!
You’re the best!”
Instead of doing that, you could do something like:
“Yup! You forgot your own birthday? You’re such a silly girl. Go get ready; we’re going to celebrate it!” He ruffles my hair before heading
out of my room. I’m still lost. I grab my phone and indeed today’s date is my actually my birthday. I chuckle at my forgetfulness and walk into
the bathroom to clean myself.
Checking my reflection on the mirror for the last time, I smile in satisfaction and go to the kitchen where Woohyun is. I greet him and settle
myself against the counter and notice that he just prepared breakfast. “Woooo!~ You made me seaweed soup?! Woaaahhhh! You’re the best!”
Same for the other scene where you placed the "-------" you could totally show a different pace of the story by writing it. As for the *skip*
part, I suggest you do the same like the example above.
Grammar/Spelling: 8/10
Since English is not your first language. Here's some corrections I found.
1) “Urgghhh! Five minutes..” I let out a groan when I hear a voice is disturbing my sleep.
Should be: “Urgh! Five more minutes..” I groaned when I hear a voice, disturbing my sleep.
2) Feeling annoyed by this person’s action, I sit up straight and throw my meanest glare from my half-opened eyes towards him.
He seems to have notice it, and just try his best to act cool even though his eyes are telling the opposite. A yawn escapes my mouth as I begin
rubbing my eyes to get a clearer vision.
Should be: Feeling annoyed by his action, I sit up straight and glared at him, my eyes half-closed. Noticing it, he tries to act cool. A yawn escapes
my mouth as I rub my eyes to get a clearer vision.
3) “What time did you sleep last night? You seem really tired today,” he said.
Should be: “What time did you sleep last night? You look really tired today,” he said.
4) “Apparently, our teacher said that there’s some incomplete things in my assignment and she told me to fix it. Tchh. I’ve been
procrastinating that thing for a while and just a few days ago I realize the dateline is today. Sooo, yeah. Hehehe” I explain to him and
then grin innocently as I see his expression change.
Should be: “Apparently, the lecturer said that there’s some incomplete things in my assignment and she told me to fix it. Tchh. I’ve been
ignoring that thing for a while before I realized the deadline is today. Sooo, yeah. Hehehe.” I explained, grinning innocently as I watch his
expression change.
5) “See, that’s why I told you not to delayed things. You’re so stubborn!”
Should be: “See, that’s why I told you not to delay things. You’re so stubborn!”
6) “Oh yeah!! I almost forgot! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!!!” He grin happily before pecking my cheeks and lips. “Errr, today is my birthday?”
I ask him as I was dumbfounded by his words.
“Yup! You forgot your own birthday? You’re such a silly girl. Go get ready; we’re going to celebrate it!”
He ruffles my hair before heading out of my room. I’m still lost. I grab my phone and indeed today’s date is my actually my birthday.
I chuckle at my forgetfulness and walk into the bathroom to clean myself.
Should be: “Oh yeah, I almost forgot! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!” He grin happily before pecking my cheeks and lips. “Errr, today is my birthday?”
I ask, dumb
“Yup! You forgot your own birthday? You’re such a silly girl. Go get ready; we’re going to celebrate it!”
He ruffles my hair before heading out of my room. I’m still lost so I grabbed my phone and checked. Indeed today’s date is my actually my
birthday. I chuckle at my forgetfulness and walk into the bathroom to clean myself.
7) He reach for the spoon of the seaweed soup, taking a bit a the soup and hold it in front of my mouth
Should be: He reached for the spoon of the seaweed soup, tasting it before holding it in front of my mouth.
8) We stop by at my college for me to past my assignment to my lecturer before continuing our journey to an unknown destination.
Along the ride, I keep asking Woohyun of our destination but he just told me to rest and he’s not telling me since it is a surprise
Should be: We stop by at my college for me to past my assignment to my lecturer before continuing our journey to an unknown destination.
Althroughout the ride, I keep asking Woohyun of our destination but he just told me to rest, refusing to tell me since it is a surprise.
9) Bingo!! I giggle at him. Once, he buys the tickets and popcorns we head inside. The movie isn’t starting yet and the advertisement is on
the screen. I notice that a pair of eyes is watching me so I turn to my right and Woohyun is staring at me.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” I ask him as I munch on some popcorns.
Should be: Bingo!! I giggle at him and once, he buys the tickets and popcorns we head inside. The movie isn’t starting yet and
the advertisement flashed on the screen. I notice a pair of eyes watching me so I turn to my right only to see Woohyun staring at me.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” I ask him as I munch on some popcorns.
10) “YAH!!! KIM MYUNGSOO!! SHE’S MINE!! Go get your own girl!” That made the whole dorm erupted into a fit of laughter well
except for Woohyun of course.
Should be: “YAH!!! KIM MYUNGSOO!! SHE’S MINE!! Go get your own girl!” he shouted, making everyone erupt into a fit of
laughter well except for Woohyun of course.
Enjoyment: 10/10
Yes yes yes~ It's so fluffy :3 Like the cheesiness added to the fluffy factor.
Notes: Is that too harsh? Sorry T_T I'm not the best at grammar myself so please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. I kinda rephrased some
sentences I think would fit but it's your choice to change them or not. Also, I've added the flow since I still believe every story has a flow,
unless they're scenarios. Anyways, thank you for requesting and good job for your second fic~
Total: 42/50
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