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I'm sorry... you don't want to read this anyway... these are just random thoughts

I haven't been able to update and I don't even know why I just can't think. I don't stop thinking but I can't stay put long enough to actually do something. I'll have my final defense and last challenge before I know if I'll graduate next year on February 7 and I'm so nervous. I'm too anxious and depressed.

I will try to update but really I just want to write dark stuff and all my ongoing fics are too happy.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just escape or die... yeah sorry but that's true... I just don't want to live anymore and only the pressure and responsibilities keeps me going because I know when I die instead of being sad my parents will just get mad. I was their only offspring who could actually do something okay so I'm not allowed to be flawed or to fail. My sis can drop out of school the other sis can just watch TV all day but I can't be weak. I can't go wrong but everything is going wrong right now.

I don't want it. I don't want to be the smart one, the eldest, the talented one... I don't want to be my parent's pride because I'm not any of those, I'm not smart, I'm not talented I'm a lucky bastard and this is all image. I was packaged and programmed for success but I think I'm just a great big failure, a disaster the world need to get rid of. I just wanted a simple life. Even without the good stuff or money I can be happy. But of course I can't settle down for simple.

I like me but I hate the me they are seeing. I hate the me they had created. I just wanted to be what I am... even if it's not too ideal.

 

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nirvana91 #1
Stay strong racheose!!make your dream come true...
nihongo3 #2
oh Racheose please be strong honey.. We as a human must have a faith..even if your family cant give u the most pleasure time, space for you, just think that your family are really love and care for you.. you try interpret their words, their expectation into something that you can bear, to something that can keep you think you can do it.. Because my parent too have this kind of problems.. I think all of us here have this probs.... Just how we turn their expectation to something that we can bear is depend on your self :D chill and please be happy :D I love u and i know all people in here love u too!! :D
illuminousink #3
oh racheose... you're probably going througg depression. and it hurts. like what most people feel(who do have that too). I dont want to say that I know how you feel because I dont. But what I can say is that I've felt depressed before too. All I can think of was suicide and to die and to just disappear. What helped me... was surrounding myself with people who made me smile. made me laugh. understood me. We(Your AFF family) may not be there physically. but we're here for you emotionally, mentally and spiritually? not sure about the last part but I'm sure you get me. We dont really know you in real life right? But what we do know, is you're you. You're a differnt person outside of AFF but sometimes we're actually glad that you're honest to us than what you do in real life. No one expects you to be perfect here. Everyone supports you(or most of us). We like you and probably love you as our dongsaeng or unnie. I know I might just be blabbering awkward nonsense but seriosly, I really do think that you're looking down on yourself. you give waaaaaaaay too low credit. You are awesome. An amazing writer, a cheerful(yet emo) cutie, and lastly a very talented person who actually should be one of the top writers in AFF. NO JOKE. You're awesome racheose. dot ever forget that.
im_ha_ni_94 #4
omo unnieee..be strong,,and im also like that TT_TT what with this fate???
AnneOnym #5
racheose, we all feel like that sometimes! I'm four years away from having to defend my own dissertation (I just finished my first semester in the PhD program)... so, I'm sure I'll be going through my own sort of craziness when that time comes. But sometimes, yeah, who we present to others and who we really are (and who we really want to be) are often at odds with each other. But everyone is flawed and everyone fails -- that's just life; no one can or should expect perfection. Thinking of you :) Be happy :)
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