Presentation (title + foreword/description)

 

Title: The title is good but a bit vague. You can’t tell if it’s about angst, fluff, or what have you. And it’s a bit generic too, it doesn’t catch the eye of the readers (which should be important because it’s the first thing the readers see when looking for a good read)

Description: It was good. It gave a good summary to the whole story but I did found some sentences that just sound awkward though.

 

“They haven’t spoken in what seemed to Kyungsoo—months.”

 

Though it is grammatically correct, it sounds a bit awkward. Especially the pause (the dash) after Kyungsoo. Here are some alternatives that you might find that sound a bit better.

 

“Both of them haven’t spoken in, what seemed to Kyungsoo, months.”

OR

“They haven’t spoken in, what seemed to Kyungsoo, months.”

 

Okay, here’s another awkward sentence I found.

 

“[…]; soaked in the morning sunlight.”

 

Again it is grammatically correct the words “soaked” & “sunlight” is contradictory to each other. When readers read “soaked” they immediately imagine water but then you follow it up with…sunlight? Better use words that are well linked to sunlight, like “bask” because it also gives that warm feeling when you read it, does it not?

 

Theme (plot + overall message)

 

The plot was good! Though it’s hard to gauge it out in the first paragraph since it sounds a bit vague, once you read to the second one it all connects so it’s good.  

 

Characterization 

Kyungsoo was portrayed well as well as Jongin but…I’m a bit thrown off by Baekhyun’s character. When Kyungsoo asked where Jongin was he suddenly sounded angry…but why? Was it because he didn’t like mornings? Or was just a bad hangover? Remember, show don’t tell :)

 

Flow

The story wasn’t rushed…until you get to the ending. After not talking to each other for a while they just…kiss and make up? Shouldn’t they talk about WHY they went all cold turkey so that they could avoid it again? Or the fact that Jongin might have some serious commitment issues? (which could prove a problem in their relationship.) Details, details.

 

 

Writing Style

 

The writing style was good, I had no problem reading the story and you added a lot of details (though you left some holes) but other than that it was good.

 

Grammar and Vocabulary

 

Though there were little to no grammatical sentences you did have a lot of awkward phrases and sentences that kind of make me grimace a bit but other than that, everything is okay.

 

Enjoyment 

 Honesty is key. The first chapter didn’t really sound that appealing to me it was, like your title, generic but when you get to the second chapter it gets good. The plot holes are there (don’t excuse your story from plot holes just because it’s a one shot!) but if you don’t scrutinized it too much you can still fully enjoy the story. I know I did.

 

Reviewer's Comments

 

I love Kaisoo fics and so I might be a bit mean here (because I really just want nothing for the best for my OTP *gets shot*) hahaha other than what I placed above your story was great :D