The title says everything. But yeah...what is this blog post about? my love life. is this a rant blog? kind of. is this extremely personal? of course. have i ever told someone on AFF about ANYTHING personal? no. so don't judge. don't bash. you'll be blocked.

first things first...i'm biual. that's right, kitties. the famous (or so people have told me >> they think i'm one of the best authors on the site. PUHLEASE. i'm not good...) teddybearx3 is a biual FEMALE. i have been this way since the 7th grade, when i figured out the feelings my body was creating when i was around this girl named velvet. we dated for a while, but unfortunately like other people i met later in life, she wanted and pushed me towards drugs. unlike a load of girls, loosing my ity cards and/or getting high/drunk IS NOT nor will EVER be on my bucket list (i plan on staying a until i'm out of high-school, thank you very much). anyways, that's one of the things i needed to get off of my chest.

2nd, i've only dated 3 guys and 3 girls in my life. it's not sad, but i am extremely disappointed in myself. my first boyfriend was a guy named nick. he was younger than me. he stole my first kiss and didn't even care. he wanted , i said no and he broke it off. my second boyfriend was a guy named brandon. the sweetest guy ever. i loved him so much that after he broke up with me because of family problems, i sobbed the hardest i ever cried about a break up. he asked me out on a date just recently and of course i said yes (he was the only guy that treated me right) and not two days later, he cancelled and never spoke to me again or even replied when i asked why he cancelled. that stung. the 3rd guy i dated was a guy named james. he goes to my school. we've been off and on since 9th grade. he broke up with me each time for stupid reasons and last year, he broke up with me because of us being on and off (WHICH IS STUPID BECAUSE HE'S THE ONE WHO BROKE UP WITH ME). He wanted and he even went as far as putting his hand down my shirt on the bowling bus WITH someone sitting across from us. just...no. i decided that i didn't want this guy anymore.

now, for the recent guys that i like. there is only two. i'll explain one right now: his name is harley. he was like brandon. i've known him since 3rd grade and i've loved him since 7th grade. he's hilarious and very easy to get along with. he used to bully me, but even so, i'd still admire him from behind. before school started, he apologized for how he treated me. when i confessed to him after finding out he had a girlfriend, he took it well and even said it was cute. we've been pretty good friends since then but it hurts to be madly in love with someone who has a girlfriend and won't even look at you.

now, it's time to move on from harley right? wrong. i still love him, however, i do have the guts to move on. so i look at this guy named jerry. i've known jerry since 3rd grade as well but he's been in and out of school due to getting his GED. he's super nice and my dad even likes him. the only turn off about him is the drug problem (what is it with my heart deciding to like druggies?!). he's constantly smoking pot and stuff, but i put that aside. before school started, he came over to my house. we watched movies, played black ops. he put his arm around me, held my hand, and allowed me to even lay my head on his shoulder. and i even had the guts to kiss him, and he even kissed back. HOWEVER, we went to the playground. we kissed again before he left. later on that day on facebook, he told me not to tell anyone about what happened. and then it hit me. he was ashamed of what happened between us. he didn't want a scandal going around. so i asked why. he didn't say why. so i asked him why he kissed back. he gave me two reasons: because he didn't have a girlfriend, and because it was only in the moment. in the moment. in. the. moment. like are you kidding...? i was only a in the moment type of girl? wow. way to ruin things. anyways, let's continue with the story shall we? recently--like this morning recently--i found out my friend named chantel likes jerry. i didn't think much of it at first, but then she said that he liked her as well. then it hit me. he likes her. he liked me only a little bit--which sparked enough hope in me to think that he actually wanted to be with me. he LIKES her more than me. why? because she smokes pot and does drugs with him, that's why. because i'm anti-drug and anti-alcohol, and she's the opposite. because she's a major flirt and makes it so damn obvious. because she hangs out with him constantly and basically ignores me for him. because he stopped talking to me and basically ignored me for her. because he stopped offering to come over and play black ops ghost with me. because he stopped talking to me PERIOD aside from saying a brief 'hello willow' in the morning at school then he'd go straight to chantel.

never before have i felt so small and so insignificant. because i don't do drugs and drink alcohol, i can't have him? i can't have his heart? because i'm not like chantel, he doesn't like me? like...i felt like crying when i figured this out. and i almost did but i held it in because jerry was right there. i wanted to hug harley or anna (my best friend for 10 years) with all of my strength because i felt so small compared to chantel.

i'm quiet, she's full of energy and life. i hesitate, she's out there and speaks her mind. she's beautiful, and i'm average. she's got a beautiful smile, i don't even have straight teeth. she's got perfect skin, yet i have some acne here and there. she seems independent, when i rely on people to get through some of my problems. she's strong-willed and proud, while i have no self-esteem/confidence and bash myself each second of the day. she smokes pot, gets drunk, and hangs out with really hot guys while i can't even get one of them to even glance at me. she's everything i'm not. in jerry's eyes, she's perfect. in jerry's eyes, i was...nothing...